A chapter ends and a new one begins. Most of the time I think the point where one ends and another begins is undetectable, perhaps until looking back from a later vantage point. Perhaps sometimes it isn't detectable because there isn't a definite ending or beginning, but more of a blending from one chapter into another.
Over the past months I have pondered many times when/whether I would pick up this blog again. I have had moments where I thought, "I need to find time to sit down and write about _______." Time. Something I learned to cherish more as I faced breast cancer and went through treatment. Once spent, time is something you can never get back. I want to use it well if I can (I too often don't succeed). It's largely due to this that I haven't written anything for awhile. It's not that I don't always have plenty to say, just ask my family, but I guess I have felt that unless I am really directed by God's Spirit, other things in my life are more pressing at the moment. Worse yet, I may be writing out of my flesh and with a selfish heart motive if I don't follow God's leading. And so here I am, writing about a new chapter in our lives after many months of silence. However, in order to write about the new, I need to revisit the old.
When I received the news of my breast cancer, and maybe even while I waited on the biopsy results, I went through a grieving period. I think many people who face difficult things that will alter their lives forever, grieve. Much of the grieving was over the physical changes to my body that would come with treatment. I'm not terribly caught up with how I look or wearing the latest styles, but I do think that every woman wants to look nice. I grieved over how I would look to my husband after my lumpectomy. I also grieved over the thought that we would not be able to have any more children. We had no plans to have more children, but I felt that this joy too had been taken from me and I was surprised to find myself very sad over it.
I had the initial consultation with my medical oncologist post-surgery and she went through every part of my recommended treatment including answering my questions and concerns. It was then I realized that we could still choose to have more children. My emotions went from saddness to confusion. So, do we want more children? Jim was still looking for work, due to the 2008 flood, and at our ages? Starting again with late night feedings and diapers? I just didn't know, but I knew that my feelings of deep saddness at the perceived loss of more children was real. A little time went by. I finished treatment and began my medication. Jim and I periodically talked about the possibility of more children. I prayed a lot that God would either remove the desire for more children from my heart or that He would make it clear that we should add to our family. In my mind 'clear' meant a good job for Jim as well as a stable life and finances. But God's ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). Having all my "ducks in a row" leaves nothing open for faith and trust.
More than a year went by and that nagging desire was still there. Stability, not so much. I began to see that this continued desire was there for a reason, I needed to focus a whole lot less on the "facts" and more on faith. After more discussion and prayer, Jim and I decided I would go off my meds for 6 months and we would see what happened. With our other two children, it seemed the moment we began trying to have them I became pregnant. When several months went by and I didn't get pregnant I began to think maybe it wasn't going to happen. Over the course of that time I became more and more at peace with the possibility of our family being complete.
In December, I was talking to Jim about going back on my meds again in another month or so and feeling okay about that. In January, I realized my period was late. I didn't write down when I'd had it the previous month so I wasn't sure just how late. About mid January I mentioned to Jim that I thought I should have had my period by then. With raised eyebrows he said, "Really?" I said, I couldn't be sure, but that I'd wait another week and then get a pregnancy test. The week went by and I bought the test. I worried it would be positive. I worried I would be really sad if it was negative. I took the test and it was...positive?
I was happy, but also in shock a little. Okay really, I do know how this happened, but are you sure God? I'm going to be 40. I went in and told Jim. He was ecstatic. A week went by, I went to my doctor to confirm things and realized I needed to find an OB (our doctor no longer delivers babies). I didn't want to go to just anybody in the yellow pages, I wanted to ask women I knew who they liked and recommended, but that would obviously mean telling people. Gulp. We began with our children, parents and a few close friends all the while I was still processing the whole thing.
I am now about 12 weeks pregnant with our third child and due in September of this year. Slowly, I am getting excited too. We have had a couple of ultrasounds and everything looks good. I have begun replacing some of the baby things we'll need (We had sold nearly everything we had) and I will have two very good helpers when our youngest arrives this fall. A new chapter has begun.
