I Was Made for Another World

"C. S. Lewis Song" by Brooke Fraser

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free,
wanting to come alive?
Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath,
so we better breathe it
And I was made to live,
I was made to love,
I was made to know you

Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me

You may wonder as I did why the song is titled as it is. I love the writings of C.S. Lewis. In the book Mere Christianity, he writes, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." I believe this song was born out of this very idea. It's not a new idea at all. King Solomon put it to the test and you can read about it in Ecclesiastes. Although I have come no where near experiencing everything in this world, I can also say with certainty that I was made for another world.

I have somewhat recently "discovered" Brooke Fraser. Her music is thought provoking and beautiful.

Out With the Old...

I am soaking in the "newness" of this day. In reality, each day is new and I don't normally make grand resolutions or things of that sort with the new year, but today feels different. Today I am cancer free.

One of my friends laughs at me because she makes resolutions, and I say, "Why do I want to make a resolution I know full well I will break? There's nothing magical about January 1st." - my more cynical side. I don't have anything against resolving changes or improvements in your life. I just think those resolutions mean more when you make them in the moment, rather than waiting to officially begin on a certain date or day of the week even. I mean, how many times have I thought to myself - starting Monday I'm going to be disciplined about getting to the gym or eating better or organizing my craft room or whatever?

As I look ahead to 2009 I have many thoughts running through my mind. My list can be pretty long when I get rolling on it. I would like to spend more time snuggling with my kids, reading, playing games or whatever rather than feeling guilty about my to do list. I would like to get serious about taking care of myself. I want to eat more healthy, fruits and vegetables especially. I want to get more physically fit, which does include shedding some pounds so I have more energy and feel better overall. I want to finish decluttering. We did a lot before and after we moved into our house a little over a year ago, but I still have a couple of untouched areas that make me feel weighted down. I would also like to read through the Bible this year in addition to studying some books individually. I'd like to be more intentional about keeping in touch with people and getting to know others better. There are some other thoughts I could mention too, but it's already looking like a pretty busy year!

I feel I should also mention that, although I am feeling good about my health right now, I didn't wait for the completion of my treatment to begin some of these things. With the exception of the recent cookie and sweet treat season, I have been eating healthier. I have also been more intentional about snuggling and playing with our children as well as working on some other things as time and energy have allowed. Life is worth living well, whether things are rosey or not.

If I had to summerize - I want to live authentically, purposefully and well in 2009. On my own, I would only fail miserably, but Lord willing, I will move one step at a time toward His plan and purpose for my life.

The Home Stretch

Today, I was able to get the final Saturday radiation treatment I needed in order to finish all 33 treatments by the end of the year. I will get three more treatments next week and the radiation portion of my treatment will be complete. As the weeks have gone on, the slight fatigue has stayed about the same, but the discomfort increased. What began as mild soreness, has grown into a sunburn-like irritation. There is also at times a sharp pain in the area the tumor was removed. Thankfully it doesn't last for more than a moment or two, but it too has become more frequent as the weeks progressed. The nurse I see weekly at the radiation center said this can last for up to a year and in rare cases doesn't go away. Only time will tell...

September 29th, the day I learned of my cancer, seems like so long ago. We have physically and emotionally come a long way since then. At the same time though, the time has gone fast. While I didn't feel like I had much time to process things and treatment options at the time, I feel good about the choices we made. I really was able to sort through some things emotionally along the way as well.

The next phase of treatment is five years of hormone therapy, which will involve taking tamoxifen daily for that time. There are some side affects that I'm not excited about, but I am choosing to focus on the blessings and not the costs. I will meet again with my medical oncologist Tuesday and will know more about the next steps then. I had also considered participating in a study involving taking a bone strengthening drug for three of the five years. After reading the material I was given and reading up on the drugs involved, I have decided against it. The side affects for the three drugs were pretty severe and I would definitely be on one of them. I concluded that the negatives outweighed the positives by too much and I didn't sense that this was something I was supposed to do.

The Lord has been so good to us. He has faithfully worked out each detail as we knew He would. As of January 1st I will be back on the group medical converage through Jim's employer that was flooded out. They aren't back to work, but since they haven't closed up or let employees go, that insurance is still available to us. I also cannot adequately express our deep gratitude for the outpouring of love we have experienced throughout these last couple of months. The loving care our family received has allowed us to focus on resting, healing and each other.

Today as I was traveling home from treatment it occurred to me that I will need to be careful not to forget the things I have discovered along the way. Unfortunately, it's so easy to forget. I get busy and once again let daily life rule the day rather than being intentional about my choices and where my heart is. I pray that the Lord will help me to both remember what I have learned and to continue on this road of being transformed into the likeness of Christ. I've come a long way, but there's so much more road to travel.

"The Word" by Sara Groves

I've done every devotional
Been everyplace emotional
Trying to hear a new word from God
And I think it's very odd
That while I intend to help myself
My Bible sits upon the shelf
With every promise I could ever need

Chorus:
And the Word was
And the Word is
And the Word will be
And the Word was
And the Word is
And the Word will be

People are getting fit for Truth
Like they're buyin' a new tailored suit
Does it fit across the shoulders
Will it fade when it get's older
We throw ideas that aren't in style
In the Salvation Army pile
And search for something more to meet our needs

Chorus (two times)

I think it's time I rediscover
All the ground that I have covered
Like 'Seek ye first'
What a verse
We are pressed but not crushed
Perplexed but don't despair
We are persecuted but not abandoned

We are no longer slaves
We are daughters and sons
And when we are weak we are very strong
And neither death nor life
Nor present nor future
Nor depth nor height
Can keep us from the love of Christ

And the Word I need
Is the Word that was
That put on flesh to dwell with us

In the beginning...

Chorus

Rather than write more, I think I'll let the song speak for itself. A good reminder to us all that God doesn't change, yet remains relevant yesterday, today and tomorrow. Rediscover or discover Him for yourself...

The Half Way Point

I am officially half way through my radiation treatments now. As the weeks have progressed I have noticed a bit more fatigue, which usually begins to set in mid to late afternoon. For the most part I manage to push through it without much difficulty, but there have been days that I have become "zombie mom" by early evening. I will add that those have been rare, maybe just one or two days. I have managed to get a nap in here and there too, which helps.

The other affect of radiation that I am beginning to notice is skin tenderness. Thus far my skin is just mildly pink. Given my sensitivity to the sun, I really expected to react fairly quickly. Whether due to my being faithful to apply the creams I was given or due to skin reacting differently to radiation X-rays than to the suns rays, I do not know. Now along with that pink tone a slight discomfort has set in. It's very subtle and not extremely uncomfortable. I would liken it to when you have been out in the sun just a bit too long, narrowly escaping a sunburn. Your skin becomes somewhat dry, tight and perhaps the slightest bit sore. This is the closest I can come to describing how I feel at the moment.

I am also pleased to report that I will be receiving a treatment this Saturday morning, which will get me one day closer to completing everything before the end of the year. Although I am thrilled to be able to get this treatment, I also feel a little guilty about it. I spoke with my radiation oncologist this past Monday about whether it looked as though a Saturday treatment would be possible. She encouraged me to check with the technicians each Friday about it and also placed a note regarding this in my file. Yesterday I decided to ask about the possibility of not doing the last two treatments if Saturday treatments weren't possible. I had learned earlier in the week that the final five treatments, rather than treating the whole breast, are more localized to the spot where the tumor was removed. My thinking was that I could stop treatments at number 31, but they could perhaps "bump up" the final five localized ones to treatments 27 - 31 (rather than 29 - 33). Upon checking with the doctor about this, I was told that although they didn't have anyone coming in for emergency treatment this Saturday, they were going to schedule me to come in and do a treatment. I felt more than a little sheepish since it was not my intent to force their hand so-to-speak and said so to the technician. She assured me it wasn't a problem. I have decided I need to just get over it and be thankful for the opportunity.

We have been getting meals at least two times each week from wonderful friends from our Adult Bible Fellowship at church and the rotation of sitters I have in place for our children is going well too. They are having a wonderful time going to play at different places each day for a short while, although I must admit, I will be glad when treatments are complete and there will not be a need to go out each day, especially when the weather turns bad.

I have more on my mind and heart today, but time does not allow for more at the moment...

Just What I Need

Last week was a flurry of phone calls in order to try to get a grasp of what was ahead. I first called the radiation oncologist to see if my appointment could be moved up. Early in the week, I realized that I would not finish all 33 of my treatments before the end of this year and with insurance still so up in the air I wanted to at least attempt to get most, if not all, in by December 31st.

After I explained our situation, both with my husband's employment and my insurance coverage, they were able to work me in a bit earlier. Although, I was told that moving forward would depend on the degree I had healed from surgery. There was nothing I could do about that but pray and pray I did - that I would be sufficiently healed to move forward if that was God's plan for me.

I also verified with our state insurance division what I had suspected. Due to the nature of my policy, each time it is renewed it goes through underwriting. This means they have every legal right to call my treatment for breast cancer a pre-existing condition even though it was covered by them in the previous six months. I will be doing some additional calling and research in the coming weeks as I explore what every option for insurance may be. This will be yet another prayer concern...for patience as I wade through the details, phone calls, automated voice operators, etc. Lord help me!!

As I said, my appointment with the radiation oncologist was moved up and I met with her last Thursday. She did think I was healed enough to proceed (thank you, God), but also told me they normally like to wait four weeks after surgery to begin radiation. I was then taken to another room where they mold a special pillow to your arms as they are raised above your head, measure everything to get the precise angles for treatment, and mark you to ensure each treatment is given in the same location each time. Everyone was very kind and thoughtful. I was also thrilled to learn that I was going to begin treatment the following Monday rather than Tuesday or Wednesday as I thought it would be. Yet another day or two I'd get in before December 31st! Finally, the doctor returned to go over basic instructions prior to treatment on Monday. She also told me that she was trying to be very sensitive to our insurance/financial situation and that, while she couldn't promise me anything, occasionally they come in on Saturdays and if that happened she would make every effort to have me come in so that I could get all treatments completed before the end of the year. Wow! God is so good!!

In addition to praying that two Saturday treatments will be possible, my prayer will be that I continue to stay healthy and able to do each treatment. As I pray though, I also recognize that my Father is in complete control and I can trust Him no matter how it all comes together.

I began radiation treatment this past Monday and have now completed five of the 33 treatments. Thus far, I haven't noticed any side affects. I'm a little sore perhaps, but my body has been through a biopsy, two surgeries and now a week of radiation in a little less than two months. I'm a little tired maybe, but truth-be-told I haven't managed to get into my intended routine of going to bed earlier each night, slowing down and taking care of myself. I'll get there...

The outpouring of concern and care has been amazing. We are doing so well, I am certain, because of the prayers of many. Meals have begun to come a couple times each week. I have a team of wonderful people who are either on my rotation of child care or are on a back up list should the need arise. I am blessed to have both my parents and my husbands parents living nearby, willing and able to help out. One friend informed me that she would be paying to have her cleaning service come in every other week so I don't have to worry about keeping up with everything. I have a husband that is happy to help with whatever task I may need help with. It is truly overwhelming at times. And I am so incredibly grateful that the Lord provides just what I/we need, just when we need it.

Twists and Turns in the Road

I find it interesting to reflect on the chain of events or twists and turns in the road we have experienced over this past year. Like a good story, I notice something new each time I think about all that has transpired. And I am amazed and humbled to see how the Creator of all things has worked in my life.

I could easily sit and lament over all the difficulties that have come our way. Industry downturns leading to decreased sales and commissions for my husband in April and May. A flood of epic proportions wiping out his employer and devastating the community around us in June. A decision to move me, temporarily, from group medical coverage to individual short term major medical coverage for a $225 per month savings in June. A struggle to clean up and rebuild in our community over the summer. A diagnosis of breast cancer in September. Not to mention the things of concern going on nationally.

And yet, I'm not (most of the time)fearful. Do I wish we had made some different choices along the way? Sometimes. Knowing what we know now, perhaps we would have made different ones. None of us gets a window to the future and so we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. My one regret would be not seeking wisdom in prayer more often, for even the "little" things. Perhaps we may have made some different choices if we had prayed through them more. Only the Lord knows.

And yet I am grateful for what we are going through. That sounds crazy I know, but we are learning things about God, about ourselves, about those caring for us that we may never have learned another way. For example, one lesson came from a short passage in Micah 5:13b "...you will no longer bow down to the work of your hands." That verse pierced me like an arrow. Honestly, I have always considered us a bit less fortunate in the financial area than many of those around us. While we are extremely wealthy when compared with most of the world, I compared myself with my neighbor and I was envious. Envious of nice vacations, stylish wardrobes, larger homes... Rather than being content with what I do have, I wished for more and was always planning on how we could budget better or work harder to get more. Then our ship would come in and I would be so generous with all that God would bless us with! Reading that verse in Micah as we studied it brought home the realization that I was worshiping the idol of things, the idol of self-effort and the idol of my perceived control instead of worshiping my Creator who is Provider and Sustainer of all things. While I know God does not want me to sit idle, I have a greater understanding that the fact we can pay our bills is because of His faithfulness. He has given us the ability to work and earn an income. He has caused others to give out of their abundance to us. (Because of my pride, that's not always an easy thing to accept.) He has provided my husband's work, our home, our food, our clothing, the ability to breathe... I can't take credit for one iota of it. And that's the way He wants it. The glory is His alone.

As I reflect on my list of twists and turns in our road, I can name a blessing, or many, that have come out of each difficulty. Here are just a few: an awe inspiring outpouring of neighbor helping neighbor and a community coming together, Eight Days of Hope - where over a thousand people came from all over this nation to rebuild homes and lives and to give hope and got nothing monetary in return, the opportunity to share my faith as I walk through this health challenge, being a witness to the greatness of my God and being able to testify to how He has seen us through every trial, dealing with medical billing departments and insurance people not only ethically, but righteously (another lesson from our Adult Bible Fellowship at church)...

And so, while I can't deny that there is some stress and I do wonder how we will manage to stay on top of medical bills along with our other expenses, I also know that the Lord is again showing me His sovereignty, faithfulness and love.