One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today I met with my doctor to learn the results of my biopsy. One year ago today I began the journey of a breast cancer survivor. One year ago today I stumbled forward into the process of surrender to the Lord's plans for my life, no matter what they were.

I remember that day well. My thought process was a series of questions and statements that didn't necessarily connect one to the other. "What if I have cancer? Am I going to die? How will Jim manage to do everything? I can face this. God, what are you doing? How will we manage the medical expenses if I have cancer? The Lord has provided for us before in job loss, He will be faithful to us again. I'm going to trust."

I wasn't sure how I would react upon receiving the diagnosis. I had already reasoned that the news was likely not good. Afterall, if the biopsy showed good results wouldn't they just give me those over the phone? Instead I had received a call that Monday morning that my doctor wanted to see me at 1:00 to go over the results. I positive self-talked my way into thinking I would handle whatever the doctor had to say just fine. We would get through this just like we had gotten through so many other hard things. We would trust God through it. When my doctor gave Jim and I the news I wasn't prepared for the wave of emotion that washed over me. Surrender is not something you can resolve to do. It is a letting go, it is a washing of the Spirit over you.

Monday, September 29, 2008 was a very hard day, but in many ways it was a very good day. I again came to the end of myself and in so doing placed my life fully in the hands of my Creator, the Author of my life. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:13 -16 NIV)

I have continually looked back and thought over the journey in an effort not to forget. We are really quite flaky, easily growing complacent when things are going smoothly, at least I am. I don't like to dwell on the actual cancer and treatment. It even feels almost awkward when people ask me how I'm doing with an unspoken reference to my health. I want to say, "That's in the past, I'm moving forward." It's not the cancer that is important, it's what you do with it that is. While I hope that having cancer has changed me, I don't want it to define me. And so looking back over the emotion, the lessons, the faithfulness of God is what really matters to me, those things, not the cancer, are what I will take with me into eternity

Health Update - The Grace of God

A few people have asked me recently and so I thought I should post a brief update on how I am doing.

First, here's the timeline:
September 10, 2008 - Routine yearly mammogram
September 19, 2008 - Second mammogram
September 25, 2008 - Biospy
September 29, 2008 - Results of biopsy from my family doctor
October 7, 2008 - Meet with surgeon
October 16, 2008 - Surgery to remove tumor
October 23, 2008 - Follow up with surgeon
October 27, 2008 - Second surgery to remove more tissue
November 4, 2008 - Follow up with surgeon
November 7, 2008 - Meet with medical oncologist to discuss diagnosis and treatment
November 13, 2008 - Meet with radiation oncologist to discuss treatment
November 17, 2008 - Begin daily radiation treatments
December 31, 2008 - Complete daily radiation treatments
January 28, 2009 - Begin daily pill (Tamoxifen) to be taken for five years and also follow up with radiation oncologist

Wow, my head sort of spins looking over all that again! I am also once again awed by the grace of God that was given to me through that time.

I am feeling well and doing well. There have been no noticable side affects from the Tamoxifen, another thing for which to be thankful. I am scheduled to meet with my medical oncologist again at the end of April and I will have a mammogram in July. Other than that and a bit of soreness if I stretch my right arm just right, things have pretty much returned to "normal". However, even as I write that statement, I am hopeful that I haven't returned to where I was prior to my diagnosis. I hope that I am moving toward transformation into the image of Christ little by little, day by day.

I Was Made for Another World

"C. S. Lewis Song" by Brooke Fraser

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free,
wanting to come alive?
Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath,
so we better breathe it
And I was made to live,
I was made to love,
I was made to know you

Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me

You may wonder as I did why the song is titled as it is. I love the writings of C.S. Lewis. In the book Mere Christianity, he writes, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." I believe this song was born out of this very idea. It's not a new idea at all. King Solomon put it to the test and you can read about it in Ecclesiastes. Although I have come no where near experiencing everything in this world, I can also say with certainty that I was made for another world.

I have somewhat recently "discovered" Brooke Fraser. Her music is thought provoking and beautiful.

Out With the Old...

I am soaking in the "newness" of this day. In reality, each day is new and I don't normally make grand resolutions or things of that sort with the new year, but today feels different. Today I am cancer free.

One of my friends laughs at me because she makes resolutions, and I say, "Why do I want to make a resolution I know full well I will break? There's nothing magical about January 1st." - my more cynical side. I don't have anything against resolving changes or improvements in your life. I just think those resolutions mean more when you make them in the moment, rather than waiting to officially begin on a certain date or day of the week even. I mean, how many times have I thought to myself - starting Monday I'm going to be disciplined about getting to the gym or eating better or organizing my craft room or whatever?

As I look ahead to 2009 I have many thoughts running through my mind. My list can be pretty long when I get rolling on it. I would like to spend more time snuggling with my kids, reading, playing games or whatever rather than feeling guilty about my to do list. I would like to get serious about taking care of myself. I want to eat more healthy, fruits and vegetables especially. I want to get more physically fit, which does include shedding some pounds so I have more energy and feel better overall. I want to finish decluttering. We did a lot before and after we moved into our house a little over a year ago, but I still have a couple of untouched areas that make me feel weighted down. I would also like to read through the Bible this year in addition to studying some books individually. I'd like to be more intentional about keeping in touch with people and getting to know others better. There are some other thoughts I could mention too, but it's already looking like a pretty busy year!

I feel I should also mention that, although I am feeling good about my health right now, I didn't wait for the completion of my treatment to begin some of these things. With the exception of the recent cookie and sweet treat season, I have been eating healthier. I have also been more intentional about snuggling and playing with our children as well as working on some other things as time and energy have allowed. Life is worth living well, whether things are rosey or not.

If I had to summerize - I want to live authentically, purposefully and well in 2009. On my own, I would only fail miserably, but Lord willing, I will move one step at a time toward His plan and purpose for my life.

The Home Stretch

Today, I was able to get the final Saturday radiation treatment I needed in order to finish all 33 treatments by the end of the year. I will get three more treatments next week and the radiation portion of my treatment will be complete. As the weeks have gone on, the slight fatigue has stayed about the same, but the discomfort increased. What began as mild soreness, has grown into a sunburn-like irritation. There is also at times a sharp pain in the area the tumor was removed. Thankfully it doesn't last for more than a moment or two, but it too has become more frequent as the weeks progressed. The nurse I see weekly at the radiation center said this can last for up to a year and in rare cases doesn't go away. Only time will tell...

September 29th, the day I learned of my cancer, seems like so long ago. We have physically and emotionally come a long way since then. At the same time though, the time has gone fast. While I didn't feel like I had much time to process things and treatment options at the time, I feel good about the choices we made. I really was able to sort through some things emotionally along the way as well.

The next phase of treatment is five years of hormone therapy, which will involve taking tamoxifen daily for that time. There are some side affects that I'm not excited about, but I am choosing to focus on the blessings and not the costs. I will meet again with my medical oncologist Tuesday and will know more about the next steps then. I had also considered participating in a study involving taking a bone strengthening drug for three of the five years. After reading the material I was given and reading up on the drugs involved, I have decided against it. The side affects for the three drugs were pretty severe and I would definitely be on one of them. I concluded that the negatives outweighed the positives by too much and I didn't sense that this was something I was supposed to do.

The Lord has been so good to us. He has faithfully worked out each detail as we knew He would. As of January 1st I will be back on the group medical converage through Jim's employer that was flooded out. They aren't back to work, but since they haven't closed up or let employees go, that insurance is still available to us. I also cannot adequately express our deep gratitude for the outpouring of love we have experienced throughout these last couple of months. The loving care our family received has allowed us to focus on resting, healing and each other.

Today as I was traveling home from treatment it occurred to me that I will need to be careful not to forget the things I have discovered along the way. Unfortunately, it's so easy to forget. I get busy and once again let daily life rule the day rather than being intentional about my choices and where my heart is. I pray that the Lord will help me to both remember what I have learned and to continue on this road of being transformed into the likeness of Christ. I've come a long way, but there's so much more road to travel.

"The Word" by Sara Groves

I've done every devotional
Been everyplace emotional
Trying to hear a new word from God
And I think it's very odd
That while I intend to help myself
My Bible sits upon the shelf
With every promise I could ever need

Chorus:
And the Word was
And the Word is
And the Word will be
And the Word was
And the Word is
And the Word will be

People are getting fit for Truth
Like they're buyin' a new tailored suit
Does it fit across the shoulders
Will it fade when it get's older
We throw ideas that aren't in style
In the Salvation Army pile
And search for something more to meet our needs

Chorus (two times)

I think it's time I rediscover
All the ground that I have covered
Like 'Seek ye first'
What a verse
We are pressed but not crushed
Perplexed but don't despair
We are persecuted but not abandoned

We are no longer slaves
We are daughters and sons
And when we are weak we are very strong
And neither death nor life
Nor present nor future
Nor depth nor height
Can keep us from the love of Christ

And the Word I need
Is the Word that was
That put on flesh to dwell with us

In the beginning...

Chorus

Rather than write more, I think I'll let the song speak for itself. A good reminder to us all that God doesn't change, yet remains relevant yesterday, today and tomorrow. Rediscover or discover Him for yourself...

The Half Way Point

I am officially half way through my radiation treatments now. As the weeks have progressed I have noticed a bit more fatigue, which usually begins to set in mid to late afternoon. For the most part I manage to push through it without much difficulty, but there have been days that I have become "zombie mom" by early evening. I will add that those have been rare, maybe just one or two days. I have managed to get a nap in here and there too, which helps.

The other affect of radiation that I am beginning to notice is skin tenderness. Thus far my skin is just mildly pink. Given my sensitivity to the sun, I really expected to react fairly quickly. Whether due to my being faithful to apply the creams I was given or due to skin reacting differently to radiation X-rays than to the suns rays, I do not know. Now along with that pink tone a slight discomfort has set in. It's very subtle and not extremely uncomfortable. I would liken it to when you have been out in the sun just a bit too long, narrowly escaping a sunburn. Your skin becomes somewhat dry, tight and perhaps the slightest bit sore. This is the closest I can come to describing how I feel at the moment.

I am also pleased to report that I will be receiving a treatment this Saturday morning, which will get me one day closer to completing everything before the end of the year. Although I am thrilled to be able to get this treatment, I also feel a little guilty about it. I spoke with my radiation oncologist this past Monday about whether it looked as though a Saturday treatment would be possible. She encouraged me to check with the technicians each Friday about it and also placed a note regarding this in my file. Yesterday I decided to ask about the possibility of not doing the last two treatments if Saturday treatments weren't possible. I had learned earlier in the week that the final five treatments, rather than treating the whole breast, are more localized to the spot where the tumor was removed. My thinking was that I could stop treatments at number 31, but they could perhaps "bump up" the final five localized ones to treatments 27 - 31 (rather than 29 - 33). Upon checking with the doctor about this, I was told that although they didn't have anyone coming in for emergency treatment this Saturday, they were going to schedule me to come in and do a treatment. I felt more than a little sheepish since it was not my intent to force their hand so-to-speak and said so to the technician. She assured me it wasn't a problem. I have decided I need to just get over it and be thankful for the opportunity.

We have been getting meals at least two times each week from wonderful friends from our Adult Bible Fellowship at church and the rotation of sitters I have in place for our children is going well too. They are having a wonderful time going to play at different places each day for a short while, although I must admit, I will be glad when treatments are complete and there will not be a need to go out each day, especially when the weather turns bad.

I have more on my mind and heart today, but time does not allow for more at the moment...