A New Chapter

A chapter ends and a new one begins. Most of the time I think the point where one ends and another begins is undetectable, perhaps until looking back from a later vantage point. Perhaps sometimes it isn't detectable because there isn't a definite ending or beginning, but more of a blending from one chapter into another.

Over the past months I have pondered many times when/whether I would pick up this blog again. I have had moments where I thought, "I need to find time to sit down and write about _______." Time. Something I learned to cherish more as I faced breast cancer and went through treatment. Once spent, time is something you can never get back. I want to use it well if I can (I too often don't succeed). It's largely due to this that I haven't written anything for awhile. It's not that I don't always have plenty to say, just ask my family, but I guess I have felt that unless I am really directed by God's Spirit, other things in my life are more pressing at the moment. Worse yet, I may be writing out of my flesh and with a selfish heart motive if I don't follow God's leading. And so here I am, writing about a new chapter in our lives after many months of silence. However, in order to write about the new, I need to revisit the old.

When I received the news of my breast cancer, and maybe even while I waited on the biopsy results, I went through a grieving period. I think many people who face difficult things that will alter their lives forever, grieve. Much of the grieving was over the physical changes to my body that would come with treatment. I'm not terribly caught up with how I look or wearing the latest styles, but I do think that every woman wants to look nice. I grieved over how I would look to my husband after my lumpectomy. I also grieved over the thought that we would not be able to have any more children. We had no plans to have more children, but I felt that this joy too had been taken from me and I was surprised to find myself very sad over it.

I had the initial consultation with my medical oncologist post-surgery and she went through every part of my recommended treatment including answering my questions and concerns. It was then I realized that we could still choose to have more children. My emotions went from saddness to confusion. So, do we want more children? Jim was still looking for work, due to the 2008 flood, and at our ages? Starting again with late night feedings and diapers? I just didn't know, but I knew that my feelings of deep saddness at the perceived loss of more children was real. A little time went by. I finished treatment and began my medication. Jim and I periodically talked about the possibility of more children. I prayed a lot that God would either remove the desire for more children from my heart or that He would make it clear that we should add to our family. In my mind 'clear' meant a good job for Jim as well as a stable life and finances. But God's ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). Having all my "ducks in a row" leaves nothing open for faith and trust.

More than a year went by and that nagging desire was still there. Stability, not so much. I began to see that this continued desire was there for a reason, I needed to focus a whole lot less on the "facts" and more on faith. After more discussion and prayer, Jim and I decided I would go off my meds for 6 months and we would see what happened. With our other two children, it seemed the moment we began trying to have them I became pregnant. When several months went by and I didn't get pregnant I began to think maybe it wasn't going to happen. Over the course of that time I became more and more at peace with the possibility of our family being complete.

In December, I was talking to Jim about going back on my meds again in another month or so and feeling okay about that. In January, I realized my period was late. I didn't write down when I'd had it the previous month so I wasn't sure just how late. About mid January I mentioned to Jim that I thought I should have had my period by then. With raised eyebrows he said, "Really?" I said, I couldn't be sure, but that I'd wait another week and then get a pregnancy test. The week went by and I bought the test. I worried it would be positive. I worried I would be really sad if it was negative. I took the test and it was...positive?

I was happy, but also in shock a little. Okay really, I do know how this happened, but are you sure God? I'm going to be 40. I went in and told Jim. He was ecstatic. A week went by, I went to my doctor to confirm things and realized I needed to find an OB (our doctor no longer delivers babies). I didn't want to go to just anybody in the yellow pages, I wanted to ask women I knew who they liked and recommended, but that would obviously mean telling people. Gulp. We began with our children, parents and a few close friends all the while I was still processing the whole thing.

I am now about 12 weeks pregnant with our third child and due in September of this year. Slowly, I am getting excited too. We have had a couple of ultrasounds and everything looks good. I have begun replacing some of the baby things we'll need (We had sold nearly everything we had) and I will have two very good helpers when our youngest arrives this fall. A new chapter has begun.

One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today I met with my doctor to learn the results of my biopsy. One year ago today I began the journey of a breast cancer survivor. One year ago today I stumbled forward into the process of surrender to the Lord's plans for my life, no matter what they were.

I remember that day well. My thought process was a series of questions and statements that didn't necessarily connect one to the other. "What if I have cancer? Am I going to die? How will Jim manage to do everything? I can face this. God, what are you doing? How will we manage the medical expenses if I have cancer? The Lord has provided for us before in job loss, He will be faithful to us again. I'm going to trust."

I wasn't sure how I would react upon receiving the diagnosis. I had already reasoned that the news was likely not good. Afterall, if the biopsy showed good results wouldn't they just give me those over the phone? Instead I had received a call that Monday morning that my doctor wanted to see me at 1:00 to go over the results. I positive self-talked my way into thinking I would handle whatever the doctor had to say just fine. We would get through this just like we had gotten through so many other hard things. We would trust God through it. When my doctor gave Jim and I the news I wasn't prepared for the wave of emotion that washed over me. Surrender is not something you can resolve to do. It is a letting go, it is a washing of the Spirit over you.

Monday, September 29, 2008 was a very hard day, but in many ways it was a very good day. I again came to the end of myself and in so doing placed my life fully in the hands of my Creator, the Author of my life. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:13 -16 NIV)

I have continually looked back and thought over the journey in an effort not to forget. We are really quite flaky, easily growing complacent when things are going smoothly, at least I am. I don't like to dwell on the actual cancer and treatment. It even feels almost awkward when people ask me how I'm doing with an unspoken reference to my health. I want to say, "That's in the past, I'm moving forward." It's not the cancer that is important, it's what you do with it that is. While I hope that having cancer has changed me, I don't want it to define me. And so looking back over the emotion, the lessons, the faithfulness of God is what really matters to me, those things, not the cancer, are what I will take with me into eternity

Health Update - The Grace of God

A few people have asked me recently and so I thought I should post a brief update on how I am doing.

First, here's the timeline:
September 10, 2008 - Routine yearly mammogram
September 19, 2008 - Second mammogram
September 25, 2008 - Biospy
September 29, 2008 - Results of biopsy from my family doctor
October 7, 2008 - Meet with surgeon
October 16, 2008 - Surgery to remove tumor
October 23, 2008 - Follow up with surgeon
October 27, 2008 - Second surgery to remove more tissue
November 4, 2008 - Follow up with surgeon
November 7, 2008 - Meet with medical oncologist to discuss diagnosis and treatment
November 13, 2008 - Meet with radiation oncologist to discuss treatment
November 17, 2008 - Begin daily radiation treatments
December 31, 2008 - Complete daily radiation treatments
January 28, 2009 - Begin daily pill (Tamoxifen) to be taken for five years and also follow up with radiation oncologist

Wow, my head sort of spins looking over all that again! I am also once again awed by the grace of God that was given to me through that time.

I am feeling well and doing well. There have been no noticable side affects from the Tamoxifen, another thing for which to be thankful. I am scheduled to meet with my medical oncologist again at the end of April and I will have a mammogram in July. Other than that and a bit of soreness if I stretch my right arm just right, things have pretty much returned to "normal". However, even as I write that statement, I am hopeful that I haven't returned to where I was prior to my diagnosis. I hope that I am moving toward transformation into the image of Christ little by little, day by day.

I Was Made for Another World

"C. S. Lewis Song" by Brooke Fraser

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free,
wanting to come alive?
Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath,
so we better breathe it
And I was made to live,
I was made to love,
I was made to know you

Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me

You may wonder as I did why the song is titled as it is. I love the writings of C.S. Lewis. In the book Mere Christianity, he writes, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." I believe this song was born out of this very idea. It's not a new idea at all. King Solomon put it to the test and you can read about it in Ecclesiastes. Although I have come no where near experiencing everything in this world, I can also say with certainty that I was made for another world.

I have somewhat recently "discovered" Brooke Fraser. Her music is thought provoking and beautiful.

Out With the Old...

I am soaking in the "newness" of this day. In reality, each day is new and I don't normally make grand resolutions or things of that sort with the new year, but today feels different. Today I am cancer free.

One of my friends laughs at me because she makes resolutions, and I say, "Why do I want to make a resolution I know full well I will break? There's nothing magical about January 1st." - my more cynical side. I don't have anything against resolving changes or improvements in your life. I just think those resolutions mean more when you make them in the moment, rather than waiting to officially begin on a certain date or day of the week even. I mean, how many times have I thought to myself - starting Monday I'm going to be disciplined about getting to the gym or eating better or organizing my craft room or whatever?

As I look ahead to 2009 I have many thoughts running through my mind. My list can be pretty long when I get rolling on it. I would like to spend more time snuggling with my kids, reading, playing games or whatever rather than feeling guilty about my to do list. I would like to get serious about taking care of myself. I want to eat more healthy, fruits and vegetables especially. I want to get more physically fit, which does include shedding some pounds so I have more energy and feel better overall. I want to finish decluttering. We did a lot before and after we moved into our house a little over a year ago, but I still have a couple of untouched areas that make me feel weighted down. I would also like to read through the Bible this year in addition to studying some books individually. I'd like to be more intentional about keeping in touch with people and getting to know others better. There are some other thoughts I could mention too, but it's already looking like a pretty busy year!

I feel I should also mention that, although I am feeling good about my health right now, I didn't wait for the completion of my treatment to begin some of these things. With the exception of the recent cookie and sweet treat season, I have been eating healthier. I have also been more intentional about snuggling and playing with our children as well as working on some other things as time and energy have allowed. Life is worth living well, whether things are rosey or not.

If I had to summerize - I want to live authentically, purposefully and well in 2009. On my own, I would only fail miserably, but Lord willing, I will move one step at a time toward His plan and purpose for my life.

The Home Stretch

Today, I was able to get the final Saturday radiation treatment I needed in order to finish all 33 treatments by the end of the year. I will get three more treatments next week and the radiation portion of my treatment will be complete. As the weeks have gone on, the slight fatigue has stayed about the same, but the discomfort increased. What began as mild soreness, has grown into a sunburn-like irritation. There is also at times a sharp pain in the area the tumor was removed. Thankfully it doesn't last for more than a moment or two, but it too has become more frequent as the weeks progressed. The nurse I see weekly at the radiation center said this can last for up to a year and in rare cases doesn't go away. Only time will tell...

September 29th, the day I learned of my cancer, seems like so long ago. We have physically and emotionally come a long way since then. At the same time though, the time has gone fast. While I didn't feel like I had much time to process things and treatment options at the time, I feel good about the choices we made. I really was able to sort through some things emotionally along the way as well.

The next phase of treatment is five years of hormone therapy, which will involve taking tamoxifen daily for that time. There are some side affects that I'm not excited about, but I am choosing to focus on the blessings and not the costs. I will meet again with my medical oncologist Tuesday and will know more about the next steps then. I had also considered participating in a study involving taking a bone strengthening drug for three of the five years. After reading the material I was given and reading up on the drugs involved, I have decided against it. The side affects for the three drugs were pretty severe and I would definitely be on one of them. I concluded that the negatives outweighed the positives by too much and I didn't sense that this was something I was supposed to do.

The Lord has been so good to us. He has faithfully worked out each detail as we knew He would. As of January 1st I will be back on the group medical converage through Jim's employer that was flooded out. They aren't back to work, but since they haven't closed up or let employees go, that insurance is still available to us. I also cannot adequately express our deep gratitude for the outpouring of love we have experienced throughout these last couple of months. The loving care our family received has allowed us to focus on resting, healing and each other.

Today as I was traveling home from treatment it occurred to me that I will need to be careful not to forget the things I have discovered along the way. Unfortunately, it's so easy to forget. I get busy and once again let daily life rule the day rather than being intentional about my choices and where my heart is. I pray that the Lord will help me to both remember what I have learned and to continue on this road of being transformed into the likeness of Christ. I've come a long way, but there's so much more road to travel.

"The Word" by Sara Groves

I've done every devotional
Been everyplace emotional
Trying to hear a new word from God
And I think it's very odd
That while I intend to help myself
My Bible sits upon the shelf
With every promise I could ever need

Chorus:
And the Word was
And the Word is
And the Word will be
And the Word was
And the Word is
And the Word will be

People are getting fit for Truth
Like they're buyin' a new tailored suit
Does it fit across the shoulders
Will it fade when it get's older
We throw ideas that aren't in style
In the Salvation Army pile
And search for something more to meet our needs

Chorus (two times)

I think it's time I rediscover
All the ground that I have covered
Like 'Seek ye first'
What a verse
We are pressed but not crushed
Perplexed but don't despair
We are persecuted but not abandoned

We are no longer slaves
We are daughters and sons
And when we are weak we are very strong
And neither death nor life
Nor present nor future
Nor depth nor height
Can keep us from the love of Christ

And the Word I need
Is the Word that was
That put on flesh to dwell with us

In the beginning...

Chorus

Rather than write more, I think I'll let the song speak for itself. A good reminder to us all that God doesn't change, yet remains relevant yesterday, today and tomorrow. Rediscover or discover Him for yourself...