Regaining My Sight

I'm ashamed to admit my first reaction upon discovering he'd left his stuffed puppy behind, the one his older sister gave to him when he was born, was anger and frustration.  "Why couldn't he be more responsible?  Why was he always depending on others to do things for him, bail him out?  Why hadn't I been tougher with him earlier on, instilling a greater sense of responsibility?"  All of these thoughts, along with feelings of guilt for babying him too much over the years, ran through my head as I scolded him for not taking care of his own things.  As tears of sadness and loss were streaming down his face, I lectured this tenderhearted boy about growing up and taking responsibility for himself.

Parenting fail.

I shake my head and chuckle to myself as I remember my ideas of parenting before I actually was one.  It was all about getting a child on track, ensuring, though a valued and loved part of the family, they did not have false notions about being the center of it.  It was all about starting with the right foods, the right toys, the right environment.  After all, if we could just get started 'right', we should be able to continue along that happy path into the years of toddler, school-age, adolescence and beyond, right?  Yep, I was pretty naive. I was pretty textbook first-born, with a desire for perfection and control.  I guess I still am that person more than I'd like to admit.  Somewhere along the way, maybe it was that first tiring week of having a newborn with her days and nights completely switched, I realized that I controlled...ab-sol-utely...nothing.

Someone has said, "Nothing will drive you to your knees faster than parenting."  

I have experienced that to be true.  If the realization that you have one shot with these small people in your care doesn't drive you to your knees, I don't know what will.  I'm learning this doesn't mean striving for perfection, but instead releasing my expectations and agendas and living right here, in this moment, where God has us right now.  I am not saying that order and discipline have no place, far from it.  But if you are like me, order and discipline are not the areas that are lacking.  What is lacking is grace.  Ironically, I can be pretty tough on myself internally, but quickly bristle if someone else criticizes, warranted or not.  Why then, is criticism my modus operandi when difficulties with our children occur?  Again, I'm not saying parents should overlook every misbehavior or character issue.  We do our children, and the world they will one day be adults in, no favors by letting everything go in the name of positive self-esteem.  I am saying that each issue should be examined in light of the circumstances and in light of the individual child before determining the best response.

Almost without exception, in the moments I am criticizing or lecturing our children about some infraction or issue, the Lord will bring to my remembrance occasions where I have been guilty of similar infractions or issues (often recently!).  "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Heb 4:12  I don't believe these are moments of mommy guilt.  These are moments when my loving Heavenly Father shows me His long-suffering with me, His child, and asks me to do the same for the children He has entrusted to me.

Shortly after scolding my son, it dawned on me that I had not seen my glasses when I unpacked the suitcase.  Instant realization and remorse sank deeply into my heart.  In the moments of his distress and brokenness I had not been his comforter.  Instead I had been his accuser, pointing fingers at his carelessness. Now the joke was on me, in my carelessness I had left behind something of higher cost.  I had left behind my sight.  How very grateful I am that my Lord does not leave me to stumble in blindness, but rather, gently helps me regain my sight with His higher vision.

While it is important that our kids grow to be responsible adults, of infinitely greater importance is that they grow to be caring, responsible adults.  I am the first and greatest representative of Jesus to them in their lives.  I am too often not a great representative.  Perfection is not what is needed, however, love and grace are.  I want our kids to know the truth of Ephesians 4:32, "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." as well as Hebrews 12:6, "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.". Truth and grace are two sides of the same coin.  Jesus is full of grace and truth (John 1:14).  Interestingly, truth seems to always follow grace in scripture.

The rest of the story, as Paul Harvey would say, is I immediately went to our son and apologized for being angry and scolding him for something that had been accidental and could have happened to anyone.  I then admitted I couldn't find my glasses and thought I had left them behind as well.  "You did?", he gasped.  "I did," I said, "Will you forgive me for being so hard on you?"  Forgiveness was given, freely, I will add.  Later the next day we received a call from the hotel where we had stayed.

That which was lost had been found.