The Gospel Call to Foster

A little seed of "maybe someday..." was planted in the soil of my heart somewhere in the midst of camp fires, silly songs, frog catching and general shenanigans over the four summers I worked at a camp for disadvantaged or at-risk kids many moons ago.  It was hard.  It was exhausting.  And I loved it.  I had revisited this notion on occasion and looked it over, at times giving it more scrutiny than others.  Then this past summer as I gazed at the familiar but seemingly far off notion, something had changed.

Although it still didn't seem "the right time", I could no longer turn away vowing to visit again.  It was past time to answer the gospel call of faith giving birth to sacrificial service.  Not out of duty, but because it was no longer possible to find contentment in my own comfort.  The call had been getting steadily louder over the years and I couldn't pretend it was for someone else anymore.

This began the more intentional conversation with my husband and praying.  Lots of praying.  The conclusion we reached together was to begin the process of looking into getting licensed for foster care.  This process was more lengthy for us than some, partially due to switching the party through whom we were licensed early on and partially, if I'm honest, due to the fears ever hovering under the surface of my thoughts.

Some people seem to undertake foster care from a selfless place of overflowing love for children in need.  While I certainly have a softness toward those in need and am more than willing to get involved, this isn't a weekend project or an occasional letter to a sponsored child overseas.  I longed to be one of those who, full of idealism and excitement, dives in with gusto to make a difference in the life of a child.  I even sort of talked myself into thinking that's how I felt, until we got licensed.  And calls with referrals began coming in at a rapid pace.  And we had an overnight "trial" with two children that would be our first placement.

I managed to fool myself pretty well until that overnight.  Then I panicked.  "What are we doing?!"  "We can't do this!"  "How can I handle the energy of these two little ones?!"  "How will we still manage to homeschool...or do anything for that matter?!"  "We just went through all the time and training to get licensed and now I'm gonna cave.  I'm going to give up.  I'm going to back out."  "Does anyone get this far and realize they just can't do it?!"  These are a few of the near hyperventilation-inducing thoughts streaming through my consciousness on the day we took them back to their shelter mom, a place one had been living for seven months and the other three months.  What is supposed to be short term emergency care until placement can be found in a county overrun with need, but pretty barren when it comes to loving homes ready to care for the needy, ends up being anything but short term.  I couldn't even look shelter mom in the eyes when we left.  Couldn't bring myself to quietly indicate to her these two souls were more than I/we could handle.

The car ride home was a mixture of sadness and relief.  I thought that was it.  I told myself we wouldn't back out of foster care, but this just wasn't the right placement.  I called our caseworker and spoke to her about our concerns. She was very understanding and gracious, but also gave possible solutions to our issues.  She wasn't pushy, but also didn't let us back out rationalizing all the reasons this wasn't the right "fit".  She gave us a couple of days to think it over.

It was then that I had to come to terms with my own selfishness.  Our caseworkers solutions resolved all of our issues, but instead of that bringing relief, I remained panic-stricken.  I began to face the fact, perhaps really for the first time, that I have been a tremendously selfish person with my time, my routine and our finances in many more areas than I had previously recognized.  While our concerns about our family, homeschooling, etc were valid, the real reason I did not want to accept this placement was because it was going to take a huge amount of my time and energy.  It seems funny to even type that.  I did sign up to be a foster parent.  What did I really think was going to be required?  All I can say is, it's one thing to know it intellectually and it's another to know it to the core of your being that your life is about to turn upside down.

We spent a lot of time praying and reaching out for prayer in those couple of days.  However, ultimately we did exactly what I knew all along God was calling us to do.  Leave our worries of, "How am I going to do this??", behind.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Trust Him to supply our every need, physically, emotionally and spiritually because the truth is I can't do this.  But He can, even through a selfish, broken person like me.

When I was in college (and not following the Lord I might add) my mantra during particularly stressful projects, exams, etc was, "I'm not gonna die from this."  It was surprisingly comforting to remind myself the stress, though real, wasn't fatal.  A dear friend going back to school many years later enjoyed my mantra when I shared it with her and found it to be biblical.  Psalm 118:17 says, "I shall not die, but I shall live, and recount the deeds of the LORD."  I think it may be my life verse.

We accepted that placement, our first.  A month out from it, I'm so very glad we did.  More to come on that and recounting the deeds of the LORD, but that is for another post.

Merry Christmas 2014

As we approach the anniversary of our move to Minnesota, there is much to reflect on.  It has been quite a year, with its ups and downs, but God has been faithful through it all.

On December 30th we made the trek north and planned to close on our home later that day.  We had been on the road maybe 30 minutes when we received the call no one wants to get from their realtor.  The financing for the buyer of our house in Iowa was delayed, therefore, so was our closing here.  We made the decision to keep going even though we didn't know exactly when closing would happen.  We were confident that the Lord was moving us, so we continued to step out in faith.  As it turned out, we were only homeless (AKA residents of Holiday Inn Express) for three days and the owners of our home here let us unload the truck into the garage on January 1st (Happy New Year!) so we wouldn't have additional truck rental fees.  Our residency officially began on January 2nd, 2014. We were relieved and grateful. 

January began with freezing temps, unpacking and settling in.  Despite the frigid winter, we still managed to meet a few neighbors and get involved in the homeschool community in the Mankato area.  The kids were involved in a gym class once each week at MSU, taught by the students, and we gradually began a new 'normal'.  Initially, we made regular trips back to Iowa for Gabbi to continue to see her orthodontist.  It was a good excuse to get back (we only got stranded in Iowa once by snowy weather) to see family and friends.  Gabbi and James were also each able to spend their birthday weekends with friends from Iowa, which made celebrating them for the first time living at a distance a bit easier. 

As signs of spring began to appear, so did our impatience to get outdoors, find a church home and many other things that always seemed to come together too slowly for our liking.  Due to the many trips to Mankato house hunting, then packing and preparing to move and finally the unpacking and settling into our new home, the kids had about a month and a half of work they needed to catch up on before closing out Gabbi's freshman and James' 5th grade year.  One of the saving graces for us was the fact that there were so many make up days due to the below freezing temps.  Gabbi and James only ended up going about a week and a half longer than the area public schooled kids.

The kids and my niece at Minneopa State Park Just as summer was beginning and we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with the school year, we had another set-back.  Due to a large amount rain in a short period of time and the fact that our home did not have a sump pump (something we had not thought much about in December), Jim woke up one morning to get ready for work, stepped out of bed and heard/felt, "squish".  Our entire lower level was wet.  Thankfully, it wasn't more than saturated carpet, but damage was done none-the-less.  Jim and I spent that day calling our insurance agent, lining up a company to clean up and dry out the basement, moving everything from the basement into the garage (a little déjà vu, in reverse) and tearing out as much of the wet carpet and pad as we could to save on expenses.  Another blessing was the man who had replaced our roof earlier in the year, was able to come over that morning and put a sump pump into the well where the radon mitigation system was previously the only thing using that space.   It was a long emotional day and a long seven weeks until we could again use the lower level space.  The summer was certainly interesting, with Jim and I taking over Elora's room, James and Elora being roommates and having more than half of our living space unusable.  Despite the cramped quarters, we still managed to host my niece, Destiny for a week and a half in the midst of the chaos as well as enjoy a visit from Jim's dad, which was a nice break from focusing on the mess.

As you may imagine, summer ended too soon and the school year got underway in September.  Gabbi and James both continue to do well, though Gabbi often wishes she could go back to the work load her brother has.  Seems that four year difference is a killer every year when you compare workloads with your younger sibling.

 

Jim and I at the Twins game

We have enjoyed getting acquainted with Minnesota very much.  Jim and I were able to enjoy both a major league baseball game (Twins vs. Yankees for Derek Jeter's last game here) and a pro hockey game (Minnesota Wild) thanks to KIA.  We have enjoyed exploring the nearby trails and lakes, though we didn't make the dent in them we would have liked last summer.  An occasional trip to IKEA and/or the Mall of America in Minneapolis has also been fun.  And none of this even touches on the visits we have enjoyed from many family and friends.   If you haven't come to visit, we hope you will soon!

Homeschooling in Minnesota is a little different than what we had available in Iowa and while there are some things we miss, we have enjoyed this new experience as well.  There's a new homeschooling co-op this year called Mankato Homeschool Connection that we have joined.  The group has nearly doubled in size as the year has progressed.  We love the community and comradery the co-op provides, but the highlight has definitely been Gabbi and I co-teaching the art class for 4th - 8th graders and now, 2nd - 4th graders.  I get a fantastic helper and partner in crime to figure out projects and she gets to use the time, planning and prep toward a credit for something she loves - art. :-)  James and Elora have enjoyed it too.  James is the "kid whose always talking" as a classmate put it last week when he was gone as well as the kid who always seems to be laughing and having fun.  Elora delights each week in "going to play with the kids".  I have been asked to join the leadership team and plan to do so for at least the remainder of this school year.  In addition to co-op, there is a wonderful group of homeschoolers here and I have enjoyed getting to know many of the other moms via the Facebook group, monthly Mom's Nights and summer park days. 

Elora on the beach at Duck Lake.  Gabbi, James & Destiny
navigate the paddle boat in the distance.

Jim's job is going well, though as with anything, has it's occasional frustrations.  On a particularly bad day, my eternal optimist will say, "I would love my job if it weren't for the people." :-)  Recently it was a delight for Jim to use some of the rewards points they get from KIA to purchase Omaha steaks for all of his employees for Christmas and to say thank you for all they do.  The best gift to us was seeing the look of surprise and happiness on the guys' faces as Jim and his co-worker, Gene, handed out the packages.

As the year comes to a close, I believe we may have finally found the church family we have so longed for.  It has been a challenging year and at one point, we made the decision to step back for a time because we recognized we had more healing and forgiving to do over the situation with our previous church last year.  God has been faithful through it all.  I have also nearly completed the goal I set for myself almost two years ago now to memorize the book of Ephesians.  This particular book of the Bible has become such a delight and treasure to me.  I'm not sure what I will do to stay in the Word daily beginning in January, but I'm looking forward to embarking on new learning and discovering.

Moving has definitely felt surreal at times.  When we travel back to Iowa, it no longer feels like "home".  Yet, it sometimes still feels like this move is only temporary.  It's as if at some point I'll wake from a vivid dream or we will soon be headed somewhere new.  For me it is a picture of how Abraham and Sarah must have felt when they left all they knew to go where God called them.  The Bible tells us "...he [Abraham] was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God." (Heb 11:10)  We are all sojourners in this place.  This world is not our home.  And so, with Abraham and others of faith, we "look to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Heb 12:2)

During this Advent season, we remember the joy of His birth, the purpose of His life, the depth of His love and sacrifice and the power and glory of His resurrection.

Merry Christmas to you and Happy New Year from our family to yours!

Aquarium at MOA

Christmas image design by Gabbi

You are the Potter, I am the Clay

The word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD: "Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will let you hear my words."  So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel.  And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do.  Then the word of the LORD came to me: "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the LORD.  Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.  Jeremiah 18:1 - 6

Clay doesn't look like much and it isn't terribly useful for anything, but a master craftsman knows it's potential.  

He has a design and a purpose in mind when he throws a lump of clay to the wheel.

The clay must be exactly centered on the wheel or the vessel will be difficult to work with and lopsided.  Slowly, methodically the craftsman will press down on the clay as the wheel spins, moving it to exact center before working it back up and out into the vessel he has purposed.  When the vessel is shaped, he may then use the rotation of the wheel to create further designs or patterns to add to it's beauty.

You turn things upside down!  Shall the potter be regarded as the clay, that the thing made should say of its maker, "He did not make me"; or the thing formed say of him who formed it, "He has no understanding"?  Isaiah 29:16

In order to remove the vessel from the wheel where it first took shape, the craftsman cuts it off using a thin wire.  A tool is used because it is stuck tight to the wheel.  Trying to pull it off without the wire would damage the pottery. Sharp tools are then used to carve, etch and create designs.  Images or imprints may be pressed into the clay.  Glazes may be applied to enhance and beautify the carved designs.  If the craftsman holds the vessel carelessly or applies the tools too roughly, the vessel will bend or crack under his heavy hands.  

Finally, the craftsman puts his mark, his signature on the vessel.

But now, O LORD, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.  Isaiah 64:8

The final step is firing, which can range from 200 - 2500 degrees.  The firing process hardens the clay so it can be used.  It bonds the glaze to the surface of the vessel and makes the design permanent, the finished masterpiece of the craftsman.

For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.  But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us."  2 Corinthians 4:6 - 7

It was only recently when viewing these videos, that I contemplated all of the deeper meaning that 'potter' and 'clay' have in scripture.  As I considered the process of creating a finished work, I went back in time to the pottery studio in college.  I loved the feel of the clay, the rotation of the wheel and the way a project would take shape with some slight pressure of my hands here, a little movement of my fingers there.  There is a beautiful rhythm and grace to it, that I'll be honest, I never felt close to mastering, but was thrilling none-the-less.  This is how I imagine the LORD forming us from the time we are conceived, though He had us in mind long before then.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  
Psalm 139:13

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you...  Jeremiah 1:5

We enter this world fully formed and beautiful.  

Beautiful, because we bear the image of the Master Craftsman. 

From that time forward He begins to mold and shape, carve and etch. Sometimes it can be painful and we don't understand what He is doing or why, but He is the Potter.  He has a planned design for each of us and because of His love, because of His glory, He cannot allow us to just sit on the wheel. Carefully, He removes the pieces that don't belong to His finished work.  He applies the glaze, which seals us so that we can be used for His plan and purpose.  Finally, the fires enable us to become firm.  We can no longer be manipulated or marred, because we are the completed masterpiece.

It can be easy to become so focused on the challenging transformation process of the vessel or even the pottery itself, that we miss the true beauty.  The design, skill, and care of the Master Craftsman, the treasure that lies within the pottery, these are what make it truly beautiful.  The clay would have no shape, no value, no beauty, but for His loving hand.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.  Psalm 139:14

Regaining My Sight

I'm ashamed to admit my first reaction upon discovering he'd left his stuffed puppy behind, the one his older sister gave to him when he was born, was anger and frustration.  "Why couldn't he be more responsible?  Why was he always depending on others to do things for him, bail him out?  Why hadn't I been tougher with him earlier on, instilling a greater sense of responsibility?"  All of these thoughts, along with feelings of guilt for babying him too much over the years, ran through my head as I scolded him for not taking care of his own things.  As tears of sadness and loss were streaming down his face, I lectured this tenderhearted boy about growing up and taking responsibility for himself.

Parenting fail.

I shake my head and chuckle to myself as I remember my ideas of parenting before I actually was one.  It was all about getting a child on track, ensuring, though a valued and loved part of the family, they did not have false notions about being the center of it.  It was all about starting with the right foods, the right toys, the right environment.  After all, if we could just get started 'right', we should be able to continue along that happy path into the years of toddler, school-age, adolescence and beyond, right?  Yep, I was pretty naive. I was pretty textbook first-born, with a desire for perfection and control.  I guess I still am that person more than I'd like to admit.  Somewhere along the way, maybe it was that first tiring week of having a newborn with her days and nights completely switched, I realized that I controlled...ab-sol-utely...nothing.

Someone has said, "Nothing will drive you to your knees faster than parenting."  

I have experienced that to be true.  If the realization that you have one shot with these small people in your care doesn't drive you to your knees, I don't know what will.  I'm learning this doesn't mean striving for perfection, but instead releasing my expectations and agendas and living right here, in this moment, where God has us right now.  I am not saying that order and discipline have no place, far from it.  But if you are like me, order and discipline are not the areas that are lacking.  What is lacking is grace.  Ironically, I can be pretty tough on myself internally, but quickly bristle if someone else criticizes, warranted or not.  Why then, is criticism my modus operandi when difficulties with our children occur?  Again, I'm not saying parents should overlook every misbehavior or character issue.  We do our children, and the world they will one day be adults in, no favors by letting everything go in the name of positive self-esteem.  I am saying that each issue should be examined in light of the circumstances and in light of the individual child before determining the best response.

Almost without exception, in the moments I am criticizing or lecturing our children about some infraction or issue, the Lord will bring to my remembrance occasions where I have been guilty of similar infractions or issues (often recently!).  "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Heb 4:12  I don't believe these are moments of mommy guilt.  These are moments when my loving Heavenly Father shows me His long-suffering with me, His child, and asks me to do the same for the children He has entrusted to me.

Shortly after scolding my son, it dawned on me that I had not seen my glasses when I unpacked the suitcase.  Instant realization and remorse sank deeply into my heart.  In the moments of his distress and brokenness I had not been his comforter.  Instead I had been his accuser, pointing fingers at his carelessness. Now the joke was on me, in my carelessness I had left behind something of higher cost.  I had left behind my sight.  How very grateful I am that my Lord does not leave me to stumble in blindness, but rather, gently helps me regain my sight with His higher vision.

While it is important that our kids grow to be responsible adults, of infinitely greater importance is that they grow to be caring, responsible adults.  I am the first and greatest representative of Jesus to them in their lives.  I am too often not a great representative.  Perfection is not what is needed, however, love and grace are.  I want our kids to know the truth of Ephesians 4:32, "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." as well as Hebrews 12:6, "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.". Truth and grace are two sides of the same coin.  Jesus is full of grace and truth (John 1:14).  Interestingly, truth seems to always follow grace in scripture.

The rest of the story, as Paul Harvey would say, is I immediately went to our son and apologized for being angry and scolding him for something that had been accidental and could have happened to anyone.  I then admitted I couldn't find my glasses and thought I had left them behind as well.  "You did?", he gasped.  "I did," I said, "Will you forgive me for being so hard on you?"  Forgiveness was given, freely, I will add.  Later the next day we received a call from the hotel where we had stayed.

That which was lost had been found.

This is Only a Test...

My name is Wendy, and I'm addicted to the world's standards, the comparison game.  I like to seem as though I'm not.  I even fool myself occasionally and think I'm not, but the truth smacked me right in the gut the other day.

In Minnesota, home schooled students are required to take standardized tests once each year.  A few days ago our kids took the tests we chose to use and I received their scores.  My morning prayer time had been sprinkled with petitions that the kids do their best, that they be at ease and confident about what they know and that I not take the results, whatever they may be, too seriously.  They have tested before, so I know the drill.  I view their test scores more a measure of me as their teacher than I do a measure of them as the student.  I understand, at least intellectually, standardized tests can't measure all of what a student knows let alone all of the areas in which they excel.  They don't measure creative talent, compassion, athletic ability, generosity, trustworthiness, etc.  Yet, I still feel defeated when our kids don't excel in every area on those tests.

The truth is, I think every parent secretly hopes their child is gifted, a genius, amazingly talented in some way.  The truth is, if I'm painfully transparent, I want our children to excel by the world's standards in order to reap the world's praise for what an exceptional homeschooling mom and teacher I am.  Ick!!  It's difficult to admit that to myself, let alone publicly, but somehow I don't think I'm alone.  If I were the only one, there wouldn't be parents yelling at Little League refs, 'helping' young Suzy or Johnny with their homework or making themselves crazy taxiing their children to a different activity every night (or multiple activities!).

Unfortunately, over and over I measure this idea of giftedness by the world's standards.  It's a great paradox really, one of the reasons we chose to school our children at home was so we could provide the kind of individualized learning environment where our children would love to learn and could thrive in every academic area.  Yet I find myself battling against the 'norm', the type of education I experienced, over and over.  I smile as I write, idealism is rarely reality.  I need daily reminders (sometimes minute by minute!) not to follow the way of the masses, but to follow the way of the Master.  In a nutshell, I am my biggest hindrance.  Me, with my faults and my flesh.  Me, with my unrealistic pie-in-the-sky expectations.  Me, with my mistaken notions about who God created these children, on loan to us, to be.  Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."  Part of parenting is training to be sure, but too often I attempt to train our children in my way, rather than the way they should go.

Expectations can be insidious things.  They don't often match up with heavenly plans, heavenly paths.

So Wednesday, I hit a wall.  Again.  As I tried to fend off the tears welling up and threatening to crack my confident teacher-mom exterior to the kind woman who administered the tests, I was intermittently telling myself to pull it together, praying for help to keep it all in perspective and mentally fighting off the accusations of self-doubt and failure.  I asked her about curriculum suggestions of all things, knowing full well this was not about curriculum or even really about my ability as their teacher.  This was about my own worldly perspective.  This was about me trying to pigeon hole our children into the same molds, the same ways of learning, the same measures of success, the world uses.  As this realization dawned yet again, I felt my broken heart crying out with Paul, "Wretched man that I am! Who will save me from this body of death." (Romans 7:24)  I know the Truth, yet I'm duped again and again by the false promises of the world!

Then quietly, like a balm to my soul, the Lord reminded me of the myriad ways our kids are thriving.  While I was lamenting math and spelling scores, He was speaking truth into my heart.  He showed me the creative gifts He has given our daughter.  She sees things in living color and embraces the big picture.  She has an inner 'sense' about people, is compassionate and other focused.  She is a thinker and considers things critically.  The Lord also showed me the ways He has gifted our son.  He has never met a soul who he wouldn't or didn't consider a friend.  He is a noticer, often commenting about things when I thought he hadn't been paying attention at all.  He is tender-hearted and embraces life with laughter and delight.  Both of our children love the Lord and desire to follow Him.

Our oldest and I were having a conversation last week about President Lincoln.  We talked about how hard he worked to keep our nation together when it seemed impossible.  We talked about how he believed in the states' rights, but some might have felt he overstepped those rights.  Then she made this observation, "He believed in the rights and freedoms of the individual more than he did the rights of the government, but it was for the good of all."

So what is the measure of success?  Is it a test score or is it a growing, developing human being?  Is it the assembly line of the masses or is it the pathway of the individual?  Do I want our children to follow the way of the world and it's empty praise?

Or do I pray they follow the Way of the Master, the One who uniquely created them so they might one day hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant"?

A Lenten Journey: Kicking Holes in the Facade

I still remember with a slight wince what my oldest daughter said to me when she was probably about four or five.  She was again lamenting the fact that her younger brother, then one or two, "never" got into trouble, meanwhile she was "always" in trouble.  I assured her that it may seem that way now, but as he got older and busier, he would get into his fair share of trouble.  I proclaimed to her the truth that everyone gets into trouble sometimes.  It was then she hit me with the zinger.  "But you never get in trouble Mommy.  You do everything right."  Ouch.  If she only knew.  Slowly, steadily, like the first rays of sun bursting over the horizon, I came to the realization that she needed to know that Mommy doesn't do everything right.  The last thing I wanted her to do was equate love with perfection.  

I'm not sure when the carefully constructed walls protecting my own desire for perfection began to crumble, but a hole was knocked in those walls that day.  Little by little, I have grown more at ease with the real and scrambled less for the facade.  It's a process that I suspect will take a lifetime of learning and growing.  My daughter?  She's now almost fifteen and believe me, she knows her mother is not perfect! 

With this in mind, I am stepping forward to break down more of that wall.  To kick another hole in the facade. 

My last post told of this my first lent, giving up unnecessary spending and resting in all that God has provided me.  Several weeks ago I had a mini triumph.  We traveled back to our home town for a weekend and I forgot to pack my make-up bag.  I had thoughts of running to the drug store to pick up "the essentials", but then decided rather than spend that money needlessly, I would be real for the weekend.  Yea, me!  Yea, God!  Fast forward to this past weekend.  Tax return in hand, we headed for the Twin Cities and the IKEA store.  You know where this is headed...  We now have a wonderful big girl bed for our youngest and a bed for the guest room that together allow us to accommodate four guests. (You see how I rationalized that there?  Did you notice I told you about the triumph before I admitted the failure?)

So what do we do, what do I do when I fall flat on my face before God?  Well...perhaps that's the posture He wants me to take in the first place.  Sure it feels great when I'm running this race with grace and ease, but who usually gets the glory?  Do I really grow that way?  Isn't it the times that I stumble or crash and burn completely that as I look back I can point to those moments and say, "Look what God did in the midst of all that mess!"  It's true that He is faithful and I am not, but isn't that the point?  He is faithful.  He picks me up.  He cleans me off.  He says, "I love you.  Keep running."  It's not about me, not really.  It's about the glory of Him shining through me, broken and unfaithful as I am, because He loves me that much.  He knows I am unable to shine without Him, but I need reminding.

For many months now I have slowly begun to come to a greater awareness of my idols.  I can't point to a specific experience that was the catalyst to asking God to show me the idols in my life, but I've been requesting over and over that He open my eyes, that He break my heart, that He transform my mind.  I've known they were there, but until I really asked for eyes to see, my flesh wanted to continually turn away, gloss over, pretend.  As I travel this Lenten journey, I'm discovering a few more idols lurking in the corners, trying to blend into the scenery as they have so effectively done before.  I confess, I'm having difficulty focusing on just the one idol.  I may be the worst participant of lent ever.  But I wonder, is the point to give something up for 40 days successfully or is the point to surrender something (or somethings) over each and every day.  

"We can live out of our need for a reputation, rather than our promise of redemption."  Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need for Approval--and Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes by Jennifer Dukes Lee

Will you, will I, live out of our need for a reputation?  Or will we live out the promise of redemption?  

There's grace and love for this journey and this traveler.  The same is true for you.  

I Am Preapproved

When Jennifer Dukes Lee sent out the invitation for people to join her on a Lenten journey as part of the launch of her new book, Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need for Approval - and Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes, I knew I wanted to jump on board.  The Lord had already been quietly showing me the many ways I have not been wholly devoted to Him.  Maybe it's my strong will, but He doesn't usually leave me room to doubt when I am hearing from Him.

I have never participated in giving up something for Lent before.  I thought it was for those raised in a different religious tradition than I and it seemed like a Christian twist on making a New Year's resolution that appeared less than genuine to me.  Just being honest here, so please don't condemn me for my ignorance!  I was intrigued and interested in being intentional for 40 days prior to the celebration of Easter.  It seemed quite fitting to focus my heart and mind on recognizing and ridding myself of those things that take my time, my attention, my mind and heart away from Jesus.  So I began thinking about what I should give up.

Where are the idols in my life and where do I sense the Lord wanting me to begin?

I considered several things, but the thing that kept returning to my mind was...

That master the Bible warns us about over and over, money.  

I have always been a pretty thrifty person, though I'd much rather it be out of desire than necessity.  I do enjoy consignment/thrift store shopping, craigslist, do-it-yourself projects, pinterest, and finding a great deal. Is there anything wrong with that?  Not exactly.  There's nothing wrong with being a good steward and providing for your family.  The Proverbs 31 woman was an expert at this.  "She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.  She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.  She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.  Her lamp does not go out at night." Proverbs 31: 16-18 (ESV).  Where I go wrong is making purchases that go beyond our budget, loving that 'thrill' of buying something new only to think I shouldn't have bought it later, feeling ashamed of our less than put-together home, and wishing for more money so I could buy more stuff rather than being content with the abundance I have. 

The truth?  I would have much rather given up Facebook, sugar or some other idol in my life because it would have been easier and I would much rather tell you about something else than this.  I'm not proud to tell you, this particular idol and I go back a looong way.  It goes back to wanting to have the brand name stuff that all the 'cool' kids wore.  It goes back to my thinking that success and having a lot of money and material things go hand-in-hand.  It goes back to wanting the attention or approval of others because I have achieved 'the American dream'.

Truth?  A wise friend told me years ago as we were making the agonizing decision to sell our home rather than declare bankruptcy, "It's all gonna burn one day anyway.  Your house is not your home."  Truth?  True friends, the ones that genuinely care about me, could care less what stuff I have, how my house looks or how large my bank account is.  Truth?  I already have all the approval I need in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

If you'd like to join me, you can check out more by clicking the links above.  You can also join the The Love Idol Movement on Facebook and you can print some great cut outs to remind you that you are Preapproved here and here.

"In love he predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved."  Ephesians 1:5-6 (ESV)