A Lenten Journey: Kicking Holes in the Facade

I still remember with a slight wince what my oldest daughter said to me when she was probably about four or five.  She was again lamenting the fact that her younger brother, then one or two, "never" got into trouble, meanwhile she was "always" in trouble.  I assured her that it may seem that way now, but as he got older and busier, he would get into his fair share of trouble.  I proclaimed to her the truth that everyone gets into trouble sometimes.  It was then she hit me with the zinger.  "But you never get in trouble Mommy.  You do everything right."  Ouch.  If she only knew.  Slowly, steadily, like the first rays of sun bursting over the horizon, I came to the realization that she needed to know that Mommy doesn't do everything right.  The last thing I wanted her to do was equate love with perfection.  

I'm not sure when the carefully constructed walls protecting my own desire for perfection began to crumble, but a hole was knocked in those walls that day.  Little by little, I have grown more at ease with the real and scrambled less for the facade.  It's a process that I suspect will take a lifetime of learning and growing.  My daughter?  She's now almost fifteen and believe me, she knows her mother is not perfect! 

With this in mind, I am stepping forward to break down more of that wall.  To kick another hole in the facade. 

My last post told of this my first lent, giving up unnecessary spending and resting in all that God has provided me.  Several weeks ago I had a mini triumph.  We traveled back to our home town for a weekend and I forgot to pack my make-up bag.  I had thoughts of running to the drug store to pick up "the essentials", but then decided rather than spend that money needlessly, I would be real for the weekend.  Yea, me!  Yea, God!  Fast forward to this past weekend.  Tax return in hand, we headed for the Twin Cities and the IKEA store.  You know where this is headed...  We now have a wonderful big girl bed for our youngest and a bed for the guest room that together allow us to accommodate four guests. (You see how I rationalized that there?  Did you notice I told you about the triumph before I admitted the failure?)

So what do we do, what do I do when I fall flat on my face before God?  Well...perhaps that's the posture He wants me to take in the first place.  Sure it feels great when I'm running this race with grace and ease, but who usually gets the glory?  Do I really grow that way?  Isn't it the times that I stumble or crash and burn completely that as I look back I can point to those moments and say, "Look what God did in the midst of all that mess!"  It's true that He is faithful and I am not, but isn't that the point?  He is faithful.  He picks me up.  He cleans me off.  He says, "I love you.  Keep running."  It's not about me, not really.  It's about the glory of Him shining through me, broken and unfaithful as I am, because He loves me that much.  He knows I am unable to shine without Him, but I need reminding.

For many months now I have slowly begun to come to a greater awareness of my idols.  I can't point to a specific experience that was the catalyst to asking God to show me the idols in my life, but I've been requesting over and over that He open my eyes, that He break my heart, that He transform my mind.  I've known they were there, but until I really asked for eyes to see, my flesh wanted to continually turn away, gloss over, pretend.  As I travel this Lenten journey, I'm discovering a few more idols lurking in the corners, trying to blend into the scenery as they have so effectively done before.  I confess, I'm having difficulty focusing on just the one idol.  I may be the worst participant of lent ever.  But I wonder, is the point to give something up for 40 days successfully or is the point to surrender something (or somethings) over each and every day.  

"We can live out of our need for a reputation, rather than our promise of redemption."  Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need for Approval--and Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes by Jennifer Dukes Lee

Will you, will I, live out of our need for a reputation?  Or will we live out the promise of redemption?  

There's grace and love for this journey and this traveler.  The same is true for you.