Last week was a flurry of phone calls in order to try to get a grasp of what was ahead. I first called the radiation oncologist to see if my appointment could be moved up. Early in the week, I realized that I would not finish all 33 of my treatments before the end of this year and with insurance still so up in the air I wanted to at least attempt to get most, if not all, in by December 31st.
After I explained our situation, both with my husband's employment and my insurance coverage, they were able to work me in a bit earlier. Although, I was told that moving forward would depend on the degree I had healed from surgery. There was nothing I could do about that but pray and pray I did - that I would be sufficiently healed to move forward if that was God's plan for me.
I also verified with our state insurance division what I had suspected. Due to the nature of my policy, each time it is renewed it goes through underwriting. This means they have every legal right to call my treatment for breast cancer a pre-existing condition even though it was covered by them in the previous six months. I will be doing some additional calling and research in the coming weeks as I explore what every option for insurance may be. This will be yet another prayer concern...for patience as I wade through the details, phone calls, automated voice operators, etc. Lord help me!!
As I said, my appointment with the radiation oncologist was moved up and I met with her last Thursday. She did think I was healed enough to proceed (thank you, God), but also told me they normally like to wait four weeks after surgery to begin radiation. I was then taken to another room where they mold a special pillow to your arms as they are raised above your head, measure everything to get the precise angles for treatment, and mark you to ensure each treatment is given in the same location each time. Everyone was very kind and thoughtful. I was also thrilled to learn that I was going to begin treatment the following Monday rather than Tuesday or Wednesday as I thought it would be. Yet another day or two I'd get in before December 31st! Finally, the doctor returned to go over basic instructions prior to treatment on Monday. She also told me that she was trying to be very sensitive to our insurance/financial situation and that, while she couldn't promise me anything, occasionally they come in on Saturdays and if that happened she would make every effort to have me come in so that I could get all treatments completed before the end of the year. Wow! God is so good!!
In addition to praying that two Saturday treatments will be possible, my prayer will be that I continue to stay healthy and able to do each treatment. As I pray though, I also recognize that my Father is in complete control and I can trust Him no matter how it all comes together.
I began radiation treatment this past Monday and have now completed five of the 33 treatments. Thus far, I haven't noticed any side affects. I'm a little sore perhaps, but my body has been through a biopsy, two surgeries and now a week of radiation in a little less than two months. I'm a little tired maybe, but truth-be-told I haven't managed to get into my intended routine of going to bed earlier each night, slowing down and taking care of myself. I'll get there...
The outpouring of concern and care has been amazing. We are doing so well, I am certain, because of the prayers of many. Meals have begun to come a couple times each week. I have a team of wonderful people who are either on my rotation of child care or are on a back up list should the need arise. I am blessed to have both my parents and my husbands parents living nearby, willing and able to help out. One friend informed me that she would be paying to have her cleaning service come in every other week so I don't have to worry about keeping up with everything. I have a husband that is happy to help with whatever task I may need help with. It is truly overwhelming at times. And I am so incredibly grateful that the Lord provides just what I/we need, just when we need it.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Twists and Turns in the Road
I find it interesting to reflect on the chain of events or twists and turns in the road we have experienced over this past year. Like a good story, I notice something new each time I think about all that has transpired. And I am amazed and humbled to see how the Creator of all things has worked in my life.
I could easily sit and lament over all the difficulties that have come our way. Industry downturns leading to decreased sales and commissions for my husband in April and May. A flood of epic proportions wiping out his employer and devastating the community around us in June. A decision to move me, temporarily, from group medical coverage to individual short term major medical coverage for a $225 per month savings in June. A struggle to clean up and rebuild in our community over the summer. A diagnosis of breast cancer in September. Not to mention the things of concern going on nationally.
And yet, I'm not (most of the time)fearful. Do I wish we had made some different choices along the way? Sometimes. Knowing what we know now, perhaps we would have made different ones. None of us gets a window to the future and so we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. My one regret would be not seeking wisdom in prayer more often, for even the "little" things. Perhaps we may have made some different choices if we had prayed through them more. Only the Lord knows.
And yet I am grateful for what we are going through. That sounds crazy I know, but we are learning things about God, about ourselves, about those caring for us that we may never have learned another way. For example, one lesson came from a short passage in Micah 5:13b "...you will no longer bow down to the work of your hands." That verse pierced me like an arrow. Honestly, I have always considered us a bit less fortunate in the financial area than many of those around us. While we are extremely wealthy when compared with most of the world, I compared myself with my neighbor and I was envious. Envious of nice vacations, stylish wardrobes, larger homes... Rather than being content with what I do have, I wished for more and was always planning on how we could budget better or work harder to get more. Then our ship would come in and I would be so generous with all that God would bless us with! Reading that verse in Micah as we studied it brought home the realization that I was worshiping the idol of things, the idol of self-effort and the idol of my perceived control instead of worshiping my Creator who is Provider and Sustainer of all things. While I know God does not want me to sit idle, I have a greater understanding that the fact we can pay our bills is because of His faithfulness. He has given us the ability to work and earn an income. He has caused others to give out of their abundance to us. (Because of my pride, that's not always an easy thing to accept.) He has provided my husband's work, our home, our food, our clothing, the ability to breathe... I can't take credit for one iota of it. And that's the way He wants it. The glory is His alone.
As I reflect on my list of twists and turns in our road, I can name a blessing, or many, that have come out of each difficulty. Here are just a few: an awe inspiring outpouring of neighbor helping neighbor and a community coming together, Eight Days of Hope - where over a thousand people came from all over this nation to rebuild homes and lives and to give hope and got nothing monetary in return, the opportunity to share my faith as I walk through this health challenge, being a witness to the greatness of my God and being able to testify to how He has seen us through every trial, dealing with medical billing departments and insurance people not only ethically, but righteously (another lesson from our Adult Bible Fellowship at church)...
And so, while I can't deny that there is some stress and I do wonder how we will manage to stay on top of medical bills along with our other expenses, I also know that the Lord is again showing me His sovereignty, faithfulness and love.
I could easily sit and lament over all the difficulties that have come our way. Industry downturns leading to decreased sales and commissions for my husband in April and May. A flood of epic proportions wiping out his employer and devastating the community around us in June. A decision to move me, temporarily, from group medical coverage to individual short term major medical coverage for a $225 per month savings in June. A struggle to clean up and rebuild in our community over the summer. A diagnosis of breast cancer in September. Not to mention the things of concern going on nationally.
And yet, I'm not (most of the time)fearful. Do I wish we had made some different choices along the way? Sometimes. Knowing what we know now, perhaps we would have made different ones. None of us gets a window to the future and so we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. My one regret would be not seeking wisdom in prayer more often, for even the "little" things. Perhaps we may have made some different choices if we had prayed through them more. Only the Lord knows.
And yet I am grateful for what we are going through. That sounds crazy I know, but we are learning things about God, about ourselves, about those caring for us that we may never have learned another way. For example, one lesson came from a short passage in Micah 5:13b "...you will no longer bow down to the work of your hands." That verse pierced me like an arrow. Honestly, I have always considered us a bit less fortunate in the financial area than many of those around us. While we are extremely wealthy when compared with most of the world, I compared myself with my neighbor and I was envious. Envious of nice vacations, stylish wardrobes, larger homes... Rather than being content with what I do have, I wished for more and was always planning on how we could budget better or work harder to get more. Then our ship would come in and I would be so generous with all that God would bless us with! Reading that verse in Micah as we studied it brought home the realization that I was worshiping the idol of things, the idol of self-effort and the idol of my perceived control instead of worshiping my Creator who is Provider and Sustainer of all things. While I know God does not want me to sit idle, I have a greater understanding that the fact we can pay our bills is because of His faithfulness. He has given us the ability to work and earn an income. He has caused others to give out of their abundance to us. (Because of my pride, that's not always an easy thing to accept.) He has provided my husband's work, our home, our food, our clothing, the ability to breathe... I can't take credit for one iota of it. And that's the way He wants it. The glory is His alone.
As I reflect on my list of twists and turns in our road, I can name a blessing, or many, that have come out of each difficulty. Here are just a few: an awe inspiring outpouring of neighbor helping neighbor and a community coming together, Eight Days of Hope - where over a thousand people came from all over this nation to rebuild homes and lives and to give hope and got nothing monetary in return, the opportunity to share my faith as I walk through this health challenge, being a witness to the greatness of my God and being able to testify to how He has seen us through every trial, dealing with medical billing departments and insurance people not only ethically, but righteously (another lesson from our Adult Bible Fellowship at church)...
And so, while I can't deny that there is some stress and I do wonder how we will manage to stay on top of medical bills along with our other expenses, I also know that the Lord is again showing me His sovereignty, faithfulness and love.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
The True Reality
Shadowfeet by Brooke Fraser
Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing, less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
and I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day
[CHORUS]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
Theres distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way
[CHORUS]
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things
You make all things
[CHORUS 2]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
(You can listen to this song below on my playlist if you haven't heard it.)
Wow, does this song say exactly what I'm feeling. I feel as though my faith has grown exponentially over the last couple of years and particularly now. One of the things I have been learning is that the spiritual is the reality (the true reality) and the physical on this earth is just a type and picture or a shadow of that reality. As I begin to grasp this more and more, and believe me I have a long way to go, I feel more and more an alien in this place. Both Hebrews 11:13 and 1 Peter 2:11 refer to believers as aliens and strangers in the world.
Looking at the larger physical world around me I feel two things. The first is a deep sadness for all the ways that this man/I blow it. We are often so far from God's ways. In fact too many times we create a god of our own making and fancy rather than serving the God that is God. The God of the Bible, both Old and New Testament. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He doesn't change with the times, with the latest style, cultural norm or even the polls. He will not be conformed to my image of Him, but as His child, He WILL conform me to His image.
The second thing I feel as I look at the world around me is that I don't belong here. I love my family and my life, but at times living in this fallen world knowing (as much as humanly possible) what awaits me in eternity is almost too much. How I long for Jesus to return and take His children up with Him in the clouds(1 Thessalonians 4:16 - 17). Recently, we have been listening to Focus on the Families Radio Theater series on the Chronicles of Narnia. We have the entire CD set. I have read all the books, but there's also something about listening to them come alive. The Last Battle, the seventh and final book in the series, is becoming one of my favorite. I so identify with the characters at the end when they discover the "true Narnia" or the true reality as the song puts it. The absolute bursting joy the characters express is exactly what I imagine experiencing heaven to be like. I can't wait.
You may think after reading all this that I am just eagerly waiting to die. Not exactly. While I believe I can say that I don't fear death, I'm not ready just yet. I still have children to raise, teach and love. I still have a husband to love and, I hope, spend much more time with. I still have family and friends that are dear to me. Yes, this is the paradox. I can't wait to go, but I want so much to stay. And so my prayer will be to recognize and experience the kingdom of heaven on earth while I wait upon the true reality.
I have had people say to me over the course of the last month or so, "You are so strong." or "You are handling this so well." If I appear to be strong it is only Christ in me that makes it so. If I appear to be handling things well, you have probably seen me on those days that I have clung again to the hope that is my Lord and Savior and not on the days that I have tried to keep things under control on my own and failed. As this journey has begun, and not by my choosing I will add, I have stood at a crossroads. One path led to self pity, fear, anguish and despair. Another led to trust, faith, peace and hope. As I see it, there is only one path and by His grace I am on it. He does make all things new.
Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing, less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
and I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day
[CHORUS]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
Theres distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way
[CHORUS]
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things
You make all things
[CHORUS 2]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
(You can listen to this song below on my playlist if you haven't heard it.)
Wow, does this song say exactly what I'm feeling. I feel as though my faith has grown exponentially over the last couple of years and particularly now. One of the things I have been learning is that the spiritual is the reality (the true reality) and the physical on this earth is just a type and picture or a shadow of that reality. As I begin to grasp this more and more, and believe me I have a long way to go, I feel more and more an alien in this place. Both Hebrews 11:13 and 1 Peter 2:11 refer to believers as aliens and strangers in the world.
Looking at the larger physical world around me I feel two things. The first is a deep sadness for all the ways that this man/I blow it. We are often so far from God's ways. In fact too many times we create a god of our own making and fancy rather than serving the God that is God. The God of the Bible, both Old and New Testament. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He doesn't change with the times, with the latest style, cultural norm or even the polls. He will not be conformed to my image of Him, but as His child, He WILL conform me to His image.
The second thing I feel as I look at the world around me is that I don't belong here. I love my family and my life, but at times living in this fallen world knowing (as much as humanly possible) what awaits me in eternity is almost too much. How I long for Jesus to return and take His children up with Him in the clouds(1 Thessalonians 4:16 - 17). Recently, we have been listening to Focus on the Families Radio Theater series on the Chronicles of Narnia. We have the entire CD set. I have read all the books, but there's also something about listening to them come alive. The Last Battle, the seventh and final book in the series, is becoming one of my favorite. I so identify with the characters at the end when they discover the "true Narnia" or the true reality as the song puts it. The absolute bursting joy the characters express is exactly what I imagine experiencing heaven to be like. I can't wait.
You may think after reading all this that I am just eagerly waiting to die. Not exactly. While I believe I can say that I don't fear death, I'm not ready just yet. I still have children to raise, teach and love. I still have a husband to love and, I hope, spend much more time with. I still have family and friends that are dear to me. Yes, this is the paradox. I can't wait to go, but I want so much to stay. And so my prayer will be to recognize and experience the kingdom of heaven on earth while I wait upon the true reality.
I have had people say to me over the course of the last month or so, "You are so strong." or "You are handling this so well." If I appear to be strong it is only Christ in me that makes it so. If I appear to be handling things well, you have probably seen me on those days that I have clung again to the hope that is my Lord and Savior and not on the days that I have tried to keep things under control on my own and failed. As this journey has begun, and not by my choosing I will add, I have stood at a crossroads. One path led to self pity, fear, anguish and despair. Another led to trust, faith, peace and hope. As I see it, there is only one path and by His grace I am on it. He does make all things new.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
I Am Blessed
It's been a little while since my last post and I feel like so much has happened! In the time since my last surgery we have celebrated Halloween, said good bye to a loved friend (a year old filly named Seattle Scoot, granddaughter of Seattle Slew, which belonged to close friends who are more like family), and elected a new President as well as traversed the ups and downs of this second recovery for me. While I have had much on my mind and heart this last week+, I opted not to get on my soapbox...at least not now. :-)
Yesterday I had my follow up visit with the surgeon. It went well and I am healing fine. The additional tissue that was taken was completely free of cancer. I will now move on to the next phase of treatment, which I expect to be radiation therapy. My surgeon has been very careful not to say chemotherapy is off the table, mainly I think because that is not for him to decide. However, I am hanging on to what my radiation oncologist told me which was that she would be very surprised if chemotherapy was found to be necessary. I will meet with a medical oncologist on Friday of this week and look forward (if that's quite possible or accurate to say) to hearing what she has to say about my treatment and prognosis. I chose, at least initially, to see the same medical oncologist as my mother. I am hoping that there may be some benefit to her seeing both my mom and I. We are considering doing some genetic testing at some point.
On Tuesday, November 18th, I will go to the radiation oncologist and have the preliminary work done that is necessary to begin radiation therapy. I am guessing at this point, but I think I will begin radiation therapy the week of Thanksgiving and should finish the six and a half week daily treatments just after the first of the year.
The first few days after surgery were a little rough with nausea, weakness and discomfort and then I came down with a cold too. After a couple of days I felt better for the most part, but by midday would be just exhausted and unable to tackle much. It was during this time that I made the decision to take a leave of absence from my part time job. While I'm only scheduled four hours per week, I realized in those moments of fatigue that having one more thing to worry about "handling" just isn't worth it. It has been interesting on this journey to come to those realizations of what I truely value in my life and what is an extra. We are funny creatures really. It has taken looking squarely at my own mortality to have a better understanding of what is important in my life. Unfortunately, I don't think my experience is uncommon. I highly recommend the movie The Bucket List if you haven't seen it. You will laugh and you will cry (if you are like me). While I'm not planning to skydive or go on any exotic trips and I'm not terminally ill like the characters in the movie, it did give me pause to think about some things.
Yesterday was also the first day that I felt like myself again, at least mostly. My energy level was good. I accomplished several things. I'm sure my husband was especially glad. He really is a marvelous man, husband, father and friend. His job currently involves construction and at times, some pretty labor intensive work. He comes home some evenings exhausted, but never complains if supper isn't much to write home about or even if he has to handle making supper or caring for kids or whatever. I would also be remiss if I didn't say that we have been well cared for by many friends and family with meals and outings for the kids. This has also helped tremendously. More than anything though, I am gratefully aware that my husband will be there with me every step of this journey. I know times like this can be stressful on some marriages, but it has made ours stronger. I am very blessed.
Yesterday I had my follow up visit with the surgeon. It went well and I am healing fine. The additional tissue that was taken was completely free of cancer. I will now move on to the next phase of treatment, which I expect to be radiation therapy. My surgeon has been very careful not to say chemotherapy is off the table, mainly I think because that is not for him to decide. However, I am hanging on to what my radiation oncologist told me which was that she would be very surprised if chemotherapy was found to be necessary. I will meet with a medical oncologist on Friday of this week and look forward (if that's quite possible or accurate to say) to hearing what she has to say about my treatment and prognosis. I chose, at least initially, to see the same medical oncologist as my mother. I am hoping that there may be some benefit to her seeing both my mom and I. We are considering doing some genetic testing at some point.
On Tuesday, November 18th, I will go to the radiation oncologist and have the preliminary work done that is necessary to begin radiation therapy. I am guessing at this point, but I think I will begin radiation therapy the week of Thanksgiving and should finish the six and a half week daily treatments just after the first of the year.
The first few days after surgery were a little rough with nausea, weakness and discomfort and then I came down with a cold too. After a couple of days I felt better for the most part, but by midday would be just exhausted and unable to tackle much. It was during this time that I made the decision to take a leave of absence from my part time job. While I'm only scheduled four hours per week, I realized in those moments of fatigue that having one more thing to worry about "handling" just isn't worth it. It has been interesting on this journey to come to those realizations of what I truely value in my life and what is an extra. We are funny creatures really. It has taken looking squarely at my own mortality to have a better understanding of what is important in my life. Unfortunately, I don't think my experience is uncommon. I highly recommend the movie The Bucket List if you haven't seen it. You will laugh and you will cry (if you are like me). While I'm not planning to skydive or go on any exotic trips and I'm not terminally ill like the characters in the movie, it did give me pause to think about some things.
Yesterday was also the first day that I felt like myself again, at least mostly. My energy level was good. I accomplished several things. I'm sure my husband was especially glad. He really is a marvelous man, husband, father and friend. His job currently involves construction and at times, some pretty labor intensive work. He comes home some evenings exhausted, but never complains if supper isn't much to write home about or even if he has to handle making supper or caring for kids or whatever. I would also be remiss if I didn't say that we have been well cared for by many friends and family with meals and outings for the kids. This has also helped tremendously. More than anything though, I am gratefully aware that my husband will be there with me every step of this journey. I know times like this can be stressful on some marriages, but it has made ours stronger. I am very blessed.
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