One year ago today I met with my doctor to learn the results of my biopsy. One year ago today I began the journey of a breast cancer survivor. One year ago today I stumbled forward into the process of surrender to the Lord's plans for my life, no matter what they were.
I remember that day well. My thought process was a series of questions and statements that didn't necessarily connect one to the other. "What if I have cancer? Am I going to die? How will Jim manage to do everything? I can face this. God, what are you doing? How will we manage the medical expenses if I have cancer? The Lord has provided for us before in job loss, He will be faithful to us again. I'm going to trust."
I wasn't sure how I would react upon receiving the diagnosis. I had already reasoned that the news was likely not good. Afterall, if the biopsy showed good results wouldn't they just give me those over the phone? Instead I had received a call that Monday morning that my doctor wanted to see me at 1:00 to go over the results. I positive self-talked my way into thinking I would handle whatever the doctor had to say just fine. We would get through this just like we had gotten through so many other hard things. We would trust God through it. When my doctor gave Jim and I the news I wasn't prepared for the wave of emotion that washed over me. Surrender is not something you can resolve to do. It is a letting go, it is a washing of the Spirit over you.
Monday, September 29, 2008 was a very hard day, but in many ways it was a very good day. I again came to the end of myself and in so doing placed my life fully in the hands of my Creator, the Author of my life. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:13 -16 NIV)
I have continually looked back and thought over the journey in an effort not to forget. We are really quite flaky, easily growing complacent when things are going smoothly, at least I am. I don't like to dwell on the actual cancer and treatment. It even feels almost awkward when people ask me how I'm doing with an unspoken reference to my health. I want to say, "That's in the past, I'm moving forward." It's not the cancer that is important, it's what you do with it that is. While I hope that having cancer has changed me, I don't want it to define me. And so looking back over the emotion, the lessons, the faithfulness of God is what really matters to me, those things, not the cancer, are what I will take with me into eternity
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Health Update - The Grace of God
A few people have asked me recently and so I thought I should post a brief update on how I am doing.
First, here's the timeline:
September 10, 2008 - Routine yearly mammogram
September 19, 2008 - Second mammogram
September 25, 2008 - Biospy
September 29, 2008 - Results of biopsy from my family doctor
October 7, 2008 - Meet with surgeon
October 16, 2008 - Surgery to remove tumor
October 23, 2008 - Follow up with surgeon
October 27, 2008 - Second surgery to remove more tissue
November 4, 2008 - Follow up with surgeon
November 7, 2008 - Meet with medical oncologist to discuss diagnosis and treatment
November 13, 2008 - Meet with radiation oncologist to discuss treatment
November 17, 2008 - Begin daily radiation treatments
December 31, 2008 - Complete daily radiation treatments
January 28, 2009 - Begin daily pill (Tamoxifen) to be taken for five years and also follow up with radiation oncologist
Wow, my head sort of spins looking over all that again! I am also once again awed by the grace of God that was given to me through that time.
I am feeling well and doing well. There have been no noticable side affects from the Tamoxifen, another thing for which to be thankful. I am scheduled to meet with my medical oncologist again at the end of April and I will have a mammogram in July. Other than that and a bit of soreness if I stretch my right arm just right, things have pretty much returned to "normal". However, even as I write that statement, I am hopeful that I haven't returned to where I was prior to my diagnosis. I hope that I am moving toward transformation into the image of Christ little by little, day by day.
First, here's the timeline:
September 10, 2008 - Routine yearly mammogram
September 19, 2008 - Second mammogram
September 25, 2008 - Biospy
September 29, 2008 - Results of biopsy from my family doctor
October 7, 2008 - Meet with surgeon
October 16, 2008 - Surgery to remove tumor
October 23, 2008 - Follow up with surgeon
October 27, 2008 - Second surgery to remove more tissue
November 4, 2008 - Follow up with surgeon
November 7, 2008 - Meet with medical oncologist to discuss diagnosis and treatment
November 13, 2008 - Meet with radiation oncologist to discuss treatment
November 17, 2008 - Begin daily radiation treatments
December 31, 2008 - Complete daily radiation treatments
January 28, 2009 - Begin daily pill (Tamoxifen) to be taken for five years and also follow up with radiation oncologist
Wow, my head sort of spins looking over all that again! I am also once again awed by the grace of God that was given to me through that time.
I am feeling well and doing well. There have been no noticable side affects from the Tamoxifen, another thing for which to be thankful. I am scheduled to meet with my medical oncologist again at the end of April and I will have a mammogram in July. Other than that and a bit of soreness if I stretch my right arm just right, things have pretty much returned to "normal". However, even as I write that statement, I am hopeful that I haven't returned to where I was prior to my diagnosis. I hope that I am moving toward transformation into the image of Christ little by little, day by day.
Friday, January 30, 2009
I Was Made for Another World
"C. S. Lewis Song" by Brooke Fraser
If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free,
wanting to come alive?
Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath,
so we better breathe it
And I was made to live,
I was made to love,
I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
You may wonder as I did why the song is titled as it is. I love the writings of C.S. Lewis. In the book Mere Christianity, he writes, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." I believe this song was born out of this very idea. It's not a new idea at all. King Solomon put it to the test and you can read about it in Ecclesiastes. Although I have come no where near experiencing everything in this world, I can also say with certainty that I was made for another world.
I have somewhat recently "discovered" Brooke Fraser. Her music is thought provoking and beautiful.
If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free,
wanting to come alive?
Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath,
so we better breathe it
And I was made to live,
I was made to love,
I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
You may wonder as I did why the song is titled as it is. I love the writings of C.S. Lewis. In the book Mere Christianity, he writes, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." I believe this song was born out of this very idea. It's not a new idea at all. King Solomon put it to the test and you can read about it in Ecclesiastes. Although I have come no where near experiencing everything in this world, I can also say with certainty that I was made for another world.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Out With the Old...
I am soaking in the "newness" of this day. In reality, each day is new and I don't normally make grand resolutions or things of that sort with the new year, but today feels different. Today I am cancer free.
One of my friends laughs at me because she makes resolutions, and I say, "Why do I want to make a resolution I know full well I will break? There's nothing magical about January 1st." - my more cynical side. I don't have anything against resolving changes or improvements in your life. I just think those resolutions mean more when you make them in the moment, rather than waiting to officially begin on a certain date or day of the week even. I mean, how many times have I thought to myself - starting Monday I'm going to be disciplined about getting to the gym or eating better or organizing my craft room or whatever?
As I look ahead to 2009 I have many thoughts running through my mind. My list can be pretty long when I get rolling on it. I would like to spend more time snuggling with my kids, reading, playing games or whatever rather than feeling guilty about my to do list. I would like to get serious about taking care of myself. I want to eat more healthy, fruits and vegetables especially. I want to get more physically fit, which does include shedding some pounds so I have more energy and feel better overall. I want to finish decluttering. We did a lot before and after we moved into our house a little over a year ago, but I still have a couple of untouched areas that make me feel weighted down. I would also like to read through the Bible this year in addition to studying some books individually. I'd like to be more intentional about keeping in touch with people and getting to know others better. There are some other thoughts I could mention too, but it's already looking like a pretty busy year!
I feel I should also mention that, although I am feeling good about my health right now, I didn't wait for the completion of my treatment to begin some of these things. With the exception of the recent cookie and sweet treat season, I have been eating healthier. I have also been more intentional about snuggling and playing with our children as well as working on some other things as time and energy have allowed. Life is worth living well, whether things are rosey or not.
If I had to summerize - I want to live authentically, purposefully and well in 2009. On my own, I would only fail miserably, but Lord willing, I will move one step at a time toward His plan and purpose for my life.
One of my friends laughs at me because she makes resolutions, and I say, "Why do I want to make a resolution I know full well I will break? There's nothing magical about January 1st." - my more cynical side. I don't have anything against resolving changes or improvements in your life. I just think those resolutions mean more when you make them in the moment, rather than waiting to officially begin on a certain date or day of the week even. I mean, how many times have I thought to myself - starting Monday I'm going to be disciplined about getting to the gym or eating better or organizing my craft room or whatever?
As I look ahead to 2009 I have many thoughts running through my mind. My list can be pretty long when I get rolling on it. I would like to spend more time snuggling with my kids, reading, playing games or whatever rather than feeling guilty about my to do list. I would like to get serious about taking care of myself. I want to eat more healthy, fruits and vegetables especially. I want to get more physically fit, which does include shedding some pounds so I have more energy and feel better overall. I want to finish decluttering. We did a lot before and after we moved into our house a little over a year ago, but I still have a couple of untouched areas that make me feel weighted down. I would also like to read through the Bible this year in addition to studying some books individually. I'd like to be more intentional about keeping in touch with people and getting to know others better. There are some other thoughts I could mention too, but it's already looking like a pretty busy year!
I feel I should also mention that, although I am feeling good about my health right now, I didn't wait for the completion of my treatment to begin some of these things. With the exception of the recent cookie and sweet treat season, I have been eating healthier. I have also been more intentional about snuggling and playing with our children as well as working on some other things as time and energy have allowed. Life is worth living well, whether things are rosey or not.
If I had to summerize - I want to live authentically, purposefully and well in 2009. On my own, I would only fail miserably, but Lord willing, I will move one step at a time toward His plan and purpose for my life.
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