One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today I met with my doctor to learn the results of my biopsy. One year ago today I began the journey of a breast cancer survivor. One year ago today I stumbled forward into the process of surrender to the Lord's plans for my life, no matter what they were.

I remember that day well. My thought process was a series of questions and statements that didn't necessarily connect one to the other. "What if I have cancer? Am I going to die? How will Jim manage to do everything? I can face this. God, what are you doing? How will we manage the medical expenses if I have cancer? The Lord has provided for us before in job loss, He will be faithful to us again. I'm going to trust."

I wasn't sure how I would react upon receiving the diagnosis. I had already reasoned that the news was likely not good. Afterall, if the biopsy showed good results wouldn't they just give me those over the phone? Instead I had received a call that Monday morning that my doctor wanted to see me at 1:00 to go over the results. I positive self-talked my way into thinking I would handle whatever the doctor had to say just fine. We would get through this just like we had gotten through so many other hard things. We would trust God through it. When my doctor gave Jim and I the news I wasn't prepared for the wave of emotion that washed over me. Surrender is not something you can resolve to do. It is a letting go, it is a washing of the Spirit over you.

Monday, September 29, 2008 was a very hard day, but in many ways it was a very good day. I again came to the end of myself and in so doing placed my life fully in the hands of my Creator, the Author of my life. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (Psalm 139:13 -16 NIV)

I have continually looked back and thought over the journey in an effort not to forget. We are really quite flaky, easily growing complacent when things are going smoothly, at least I am. I don't like to dwell on the actual cancer and treatment. It even feels almost awkward when people ask me how I'm doing with an unspoken reference to my health. I want to say, "That's in the past, I'm moving forward." It's not the cancer that is important, it's what you do with it that is. While I hope that having cancer has changed me, I don't want it to define me. And so looking back over the emotion, the lessons, the faithfulness of God is what really matters to me, those things, not the cancer, are what I will take with me into eternity