I still remember with a slight wince what my oldest daughter said to me when she was probably about four or five. She was again lamenting the fact that her younger brother, then one or two, "never" got into trouble, meanwhile she was "always" in trouble. I assured her that it may seem that way now, but as he got older and busier, he would get into his fair share of trouble. I proclaimed to her the truth that everyone gets into trouble sometimes. It was then she hit me with the zinger. "But you never get in trouble Mommy. You do everything right." Ouch. If she only knew. Slowly, steadily, like the first rays of sun bursting over the horizon, I came to the realization that she needed to know that Mommy doesn't do everything right. The last thing I wanted her to do was equate love with perfection.
I'm not sure when the carefully constructed walls protecting my own desire for perfection began to crumble, but a hole was knocked in those walls that day. Little by little, I have grown more at ease with the real and scrambled less for the facade. It's a process that I suspect will take a lifetime of learning and growing. My daughter? She's now almost fifteen and believe me, she knows her mother is not perfect! With this in mind, I am stepping forward to break down more of that wall. To kick another hole in the facade.
My last post told of this my first lent, giving up unnecessary spending and resting in all that God has provided me. Several weeks ago I had a mini triumph. We traveled back to our home town for a weekend and I forgot to pack my make-up bag. I had thoughts of running to the drug store to pick up "the essentials", but then decided rather than spend that money needlessly, I would be real for the weekend. Yea, me! Yea, God! Fast forward to this past weekend. Tax return in hand, we headed for the Twin Cities and the IKEA store. You know where this is headed... We now have a wonderful big girl bed for our youngest and a bed for the guest room that together allow us to accommodate four guests. (You see how I rationalized that there? Did you notice I told you about the triumph before I admitted the failure?) So what do we do, what do I do when I fall flat on my face before God? Well...perhaps that's the posture He wants me to take in the first place. Sure it feels great when I'm running this race with grace and ease, but who usually gets the glory? Do I really grow that way? Isn't it the times that I stumble or crash and burn completely that as I look back I can point to those moments and say, "Look what God did in the midst of all that mess!" It's true that He is faithful and I am not, but isn't that the point? He is faithful. He picks me up. Hecleans me off. Hesays, "I love you. Keep running." It's not about me, not really. It's about the glory of Him shining through me, broken and unfaithful as I am, because He loves me that much. He knows I am unable to shine without Him, but I need reminding. For many months now I have slowly begun to come to a greater awareness of my idols. I can't point to a specific experience that was the catalyst to asking God to show me the idols in my life, but I've been requesting over and over that He open my eyes, that He break my heart, that He transform my mind. I've known they were there, but until I really asked for eyes to see, my flesh wanted to continually turn away, gloss over, pretend. As I travel this Lenten journey, I'm discovering a few more idols lurking in the corners, trying to blend into the scenery as they have so effectively done before. I confess, I'm having difficulty focusing on just the one idol. I may be the worst participant of lent ever. But I wonder, is the point to give something up for 40 days successfully or is the point to surrender something (or somethings) over each and every day.
Will you, will I, live out of our need for a reputation? Or will we live out the promise of redemption? There's grace and love for this journey and this traveler. The same is true for you.
When Jennifer Dukes Lee sent out the invitation for people to join her on a Lenten journey as part of the launch of her new book, Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need for Approval - and Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes, I knew I wanted to jump on board. The Lord had already been quietly showing me the many ways I have not been wholly devoted to Him. Maybe it's my strong will, but He doesn't usually leave me room to doubt when I am hearing from Him.
I have never participated in giving up something for Lent before. I thought it was for those raised in a different religious tradition than I and it seemed like a Christian twist on making a New Year's resolution that appeared less than genuine to me. Just being honest here, so please don't condemn me for my ignorance! I was intrigued and interested in being intentional for 40 days prior to the celebration of Easter. It seemed quite fitting to focus my heart and mind on recognizing and ridding myself of those things that take my time, my attention, my mind and heart away from Jesus. So I began thinking about what I should give up.
Where are the idols in my life and where do I sense the Lord wanting me to begin?
I considered several things, but the thing that kept returning to my mind was...
That master the Bible warns us about over and over, money.
I have always been a pretty thrifty person, though I'd much rather it be out of desire than necessity. I do enjoy consignment/thrift store shopping, craigslist, do-it-yourself projects, pinterest, and finding a great deal. Is there anything wrong with that? Not exactly. There's nothing wrong with being a good steward and providing for your family. The Proverbs 31 woman was an expert at this. "She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night." Proverbs 31: 16-18 (ESV). Where I go wrong is making purchases that go beyond our budget, loving that 'thrill' of buying something new only to think I shouldn't have bought it later, feeling ashamed of our less than put-together home, and wishing for more money so I could buy more stuff rather than being content with the abundance I have.
The truth? I would have much rather given up Facebook, sugar or some other idol in my life because it would have been easier and I would much rather tell you about something else than this. I'm not proud to tell you, this particular idol and I go back a looong way. It goes back to wanting to have the brand name stuff that all the 'cool' kids wore. It goes back to my thinking that success and having a lot of money and material things go hand-in-hand. It goes back to wanting the attention or approval of others because I have achieved 'the American dream'.
Truth? A wise friend told me years ago as we were making the agonizing decision to sell our home rather than declare bankruptcy, "It's all gonna burn one day anyway. Your house is not your home." Truth? True friends, the ones that genuinely care about me, could care less what stuff I have, how my house looks or how large my bank account is. Truth? I already have all the approval I need in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
If you'd like to join me, you can check out more by clicking the links above. You can also join the The Love Idol Movement on Facebook and you can print some great cut outs to remind you that you are Preapproved here and here.
"In love he predestined us for adoption through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved." Ephesians 1:5-6 (ESV)
I thought I was past it. Had moved on. Let it go. Sure I was disappointed things hadn't turned out differently, but both parties had made their choices. We'd made our beds and now it was time to lie in them.
So why then, did I feel such frustration and even anger as we visited churches after our move? I was critical of everything. The music was too loud and concert-like or too traditional and rigid. The people? Too cold and unwelcoming or too friendly and smothering. The service? Too free and loose or too stiff and liturgical. Too this or too that... You see where I'm going. And though I didn't like the self-righteous attitude I felt rising up in me, I also felt powerless to stop it.
Bitterness. There it was, rearing it's ugly head from a deep place in my heart. A place I had been unwilling to go. A place I told myself didn't exist.
I'm still angry, Lord. Now what? I still have feelings of betrayal, disappointment and disbelief. People who were supposed to lead, were supposed to be mature Christians, were supposed to shepherd the flock -- didn't. And before I get too far down the road of 'it's their fault', where am I guilty? Did I fail to encourage grace and unity along the way? Did I hold up in my heart and mind a person or group higher than they should have been? A place only You should dwell in? The answer to those questions is, yes.
It has been more than seven months since very suddenly, everything came to a head between the pastors and elders of the church we were attending and our Bible study teacher and class. It's a tale of frustration and pride on both sides and nobody wins. Least of all, Jesus. It's a court where there is no dialog, no charges that are both examined and cross-examined, witness testimony is not admissible and judgement is passed before even entering the courtroom. But you know what is especially missing? Humility. Humility that is rooted in love and grace. Humility that knows what Jeremiah 17:9 &10 says is true, and it's true of me!
"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve." (NIV) There was no soft-hearted seeking forgiveness where there were legitimate faults on either side -- and there were many on both sides.
You might say to yourself, 'Well, your bitterness is understandable given how those in authority should have behaved and didn't. They let you down.' You may be thinking of James 3:1 "Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness." (ESV) But here's the thing, bitterness festered out of deep disappointment and deep disappointment was born from holding these men up as greater, more learned, more spiritually mature than myself and holding them to a standard that I don't demand from myself. The reality is none of us is better, wiser, more spiritual than another, because as soon as we dare to think so, we have by that assumption proven the contrary. There is only living in the flesh or living in the spirit and that can change moment by moment as my wandering heart can attest.
I have made an idol out of many things and many people. Those in leadership, those who teach the Bible, those who seem to have it together or figured out spiritually, certain kinds of music, certain ways of preaching, certain programs or ministries, certain spiritual gifts... I shudder at just how lengthy my list is. At various times I have worshiped each of those people and things, rather than the only One worthy of my worship. Like Esau, I have sold the birthright that is mine in Christ for a trivial self-indulgence, for affirmation or admiration from others, for things that make me feel good and loved. Each and every time I do that I proclaim with my worship that Christ is not enough and each and every time I'm left hollow, disappointed, bitter.
I'm beginning to recognize that if I'm going to weep with Jesus over Jerusalem, His Church, I must first weep from a place of deep and profound love for Jerusalem, His Church. So this, this is where the Lord has been leading me. To recognize the many idols in my life and to expel them one by one from the places they've taken up residence in my heart. Wrestling with this flesh is not a new endeavor. I know from experience this won't be a 'once and for all' kind of work, at least not on this side of Heaven. And so I begin crying out anew. "Help me Abba, Father. Teach me what love is. Enable me to freely give it, but to worship You and You alone."
This work is something the Lord has been preparing me for for some time. Slowly, gently, He has lovingly been preparing my heart and tending the ground of my mind to receive this work of His Spirit in me. It's interesting how the preparation will begin to come in many forms and as the time arrives, will build in frequency and intensity. This work of removing idols in my life is relatively new and yet I recognize it has been 'coming on' for awhile. Maybe He has been calling to me, waiting to have my undivided attention. When my friend, Jennifer Dukes Lee announced the launch of her book, Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need for Approval - and Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes, I knew that I knew, this was a Divine appointment. If you feel stirrings in your own heart, would you consider joining me in cleaning out the nooks and crannies that may have been unattended for awhile?
I don't typically participate in Lent activities; however, this year I plan to spend the 40 days prior to the celebration of Easter more intentionally. Not because I must or because of church tradition, but because I know the Lord has begun something I want to be fully present for. I'll share more in the coming days, again, not because I must, in fact, I'd rather keep it between the Lord and myself. But there's something freeing (and incredibly frightening) about being transparent. I can't hide behind my rationalizations and excuses if I share, out loud, my insecurities and brokenness. I can rest, however, in the arms of the One who calls me beloved. I am Pre-Approved in Christ. No other approval is needed.
