The Heart of the Matter

I thought I was past it.  Had moved on.  Let it go.  Sure I was disappointed things hadn't turned out differently, but both parties had made their choices.  We'd made our beds and now it was time to lie in them.

So why then, did I feel such frustration and even anger as we visited churches after our move?  I was critical of everything.  The music was too loud and concert-like or too traditional and rigid.  The people?  Too cold and unwelcoming or too friendly and smothering.  The service?  Too free and loose or too stiff and liturgical.  Too this or too that...  You see where I'm going.  And though I didn't like the self-righteous attitude I felt rising up in me, I also felt powerless to stop it.

Bitterness.  There it was, rearing it's ugly head from a deep place in my heart.  A place I had been unwilling to go.  A place I told myself didn't exist.

I'm still angry, Lord.  Now what?  I still have feelings of betrayal, disappointment and disbelief.  People who were supposed to lead, were supposed to be mature Christians, were supposed to shepherd the flock -- didn't.  And before I get too far down the road of 'it's their fault', where am I guilty?  Did I fail to encourage grace and unity along the way?  Did I hold up in my heart and mind a person or group higher than they should have been?  A place only You should dwell in?  The answer to those questions is, yes.

It has been more than seven months since very suddenly, everything came to a head between the pastors and elders of the church we were attending and our Bible study teacher and class.  It's a tale of frustration and pride on both sides and nobody wins.  Least of all, Jesus.  It's a court where there is no dialog, no charges that are both examined and cross-examined, witness testimony is not admissible and judgement is passed before even entering the courtroom.  But you know what is especially missing?  Humility.  Humility that is rooted in love and grace.  Humility that knows what Jeremiah 17:9 &10 says is true, and it's true of me!

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?  I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve." (NIV)  There was no soft-hearted seeking forgiveness where there were legitimate faults on either side -- and there were many on both sides.

You might say to yourself, 'Well, your bitterness is understandable given how those in authority should have behaved and didn't.  They let you down.'  You may be thinking of James 3:1 "Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness." (ESV)   But here's the thing, bitterness festered out of deep disappointment and deep disappointment was born from holding these men up as greater, more learned, more spiritually mature than myself and holding them to a standard that I don't demand from myself.  The reality is none of us is better, wiser, more spiritual than another, because as soon as we dare to think so, we have by that assumption proven the contrary.  There is only living in the flesh or living in the spirit and that can change moment by moment as my wandering heart can attest.

I have made an idol out of many things and many people.  Those in leadership, those who teach the Bible, those who seem to have it together or figured out spiritually, certain kinds of music, certain ways of preaching, certain programs or ministries, certain spiritual gifts...  I shudder at just how lengthy my list is.  At various times I have worshiped each of those people and things, rather than the only One worthy of my worship.  Like Esau, I have sold the birthright that is mine in Christ for a trivial self-indulgence, for affirmation or admiration from others, for things that make me feel good and loved.  Each and every time I do that I proclaim with my worship that Christ is not enough and each and every time I'm left hollow, disappointed, bitter.

I'm beginning to recognize that if I'm going to weep with Jesus over Jerusalem, His Church, I must first weep from a place of deep and profound love for Jerusalem, His Church.  So this, this is where the Lord has been leading me.  To recognize the many idols in my life and to expel them one by one from the places they've taken up residence in my heart.  Wrestling with this flesh is not a new endeavor.  I know from experience this won't be a 'once and for all' kind of work, at least not on this side of Heaven.  And so I begin crying out anew.  "Help me Abba, Father.  Teach me what love is.  Enable me to freely give it, but to worship You and You alone."

This work is something the Lord has been preparing me for for some time.  Slowly, gently, He has lovingly been preparing my heart and tending the ground of my mind to receive this work of His Spirit in me.  It's interesting how the preparation will begin to come in many forms and as the time arrives, will build in frequency and intensity.  This work of removing idols in my life is relatively new and yet I recognize it has been 'coming on' for awhile.  Maybe He has been calling to me, waiting to have my undivided attention.  When my friend, Jennifer Dukes Lee announced the launch of her book, Love Idol: Letting Go of Your Need for Approval - and Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes, I knew that I knew, this was a Divine appointment.  If you feel stirrings in your own heart, would you consider joining me in cleaning out the nooks and crannies that may have been unattended for awhile?  

I don't typically participate in Lent activities; however, this year I plan to spend the 40 days prior to the celebration of Easter more intentionally.  Not because I must or because of church tradition, but because I know the Lord has begun something I want to be fully present for.  I'll share more in the coming days, again, not because I must, in fact, I'd rather keep it between the Lord and myself.  But there's something freeing (and incredibly frightening) about being transparent.  I can't hide behind my rationalizations and excuses if I share, out loud, my insecurities and brokenness.  I can rest, however, in the arms of the One who calls me beloved.  I am Pre-Approved in Christ.  No other approval is needed.

If You Are Hungry For Love (A Lenten Journey to Change Your Life)