This is Only a Test...

My name is Wendy, and I'm addicted to the world's standards, the comparison game.  I like to seem as though I'm not.  I even fool myself occasionally and think I'm not, but the truth smacked me right in the gut the other day.

In Minnesota, home schooled students are required to take standardized tests once each year.  A few days ago our kids took the tests we chose to use and I received their scores.  My morning prayer time had been sprinkled with petitions that the kids do their best, that they be at ease and confident about what they know and that I not take the results, whatever they may be, too seriously.  They have tested before, so I know the drill.  I view their test scores more a measure of me as their teacher than I do a measure of them as the student.  I understand, at least intellectually, standardized tests can't measure all of what a student knows let alone all of the areas in which they excel.  They don't measure creative talent, compassion, athletic ability, generosity, trustworthiness, etc.  Yet, I still feel defeated when our kids don't excel in every area on those tests.

The truth is, I think every parent secretly hopes their child is gifted, a genius, amazingly talented in some way.  The truth is, if I'm painfully transparent, I want our children to excel by the world's standards in order to reap the world's praise for what an exceptional homeschooling mom and teacher I am.  Ick!!  It's difficult to admit that to myself, let alone publicly, but somehow I don't think I'm alone.  If I were the only one, there wouldn't be parents yelling at Little League refs, 'helping' young Suzy or Johnny with their homework or making themselves crazy taxiing their children to a different activity every night (or multiple activities!).

Unfortunately, over and over I measure this idea of giftedness by the world's standards.  It's a great paradox really, one of the reasons we chose to school our children at home was so we could provide the kind of individualized learning environment where our children would love to learn and could thrive in every academic area.  Yet I find myself battling against the 'norm', the type of education I experienced, over and over.  I smile as I write, idealism is rarely reality.  I need daily reminders (sometimes minute by minute!) not to follow the way of the masses, but to follow the way of the Master.  In a nutshell, I am my biggest hindrance.  Me, with my faults and my flesh.  Me, with my unrealistic pie-in-the-sky expectations.  Me, with my mistaken notions about who God created these children, on loan to us, to be.  Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."  Part of parenting is training to be sure, but too often I attempt to train our children in my way, rather than the way they should go.

Expectations can be insidious things.  They don't often match up with heavenly plans, heavenly paths.

So Wednesday, I hit a wall.  Again.  As I tried to fend off the tears welling up and threatening to crack my confident teacher-mom exterior to the kind woman who administered the tests, I was intermittently telling myself to pull it together, praying for help to keep it all in perspective and mentally fighting off the accusations of self-doubt and failure.  I asked her about curriculum suggestions of all things, knowing full well this was not about curriculum or even really about my ability as their teacher.  This was about my own worldly perspective.  This was about me trying to pigeon hole our children into the same molds, the same ways of learning, the same measures of success, the world uses.  As this realization dawned yet again, I felt my broken heart crying out with Paul, "Wretched man that I am! Who will save me from this body of death." (Romans 7:24)  I know the Truth, yet I'm duped again and again by the false promises of the world!

Then quietly, like a balm to my soul, the Lord reminded me of the myriad ways our kids are thriving.  While I was lamenting math and spelling scores, He was speaking truth into my heart.  He showed me the creative gifts He has given our daughter.  She sees things in living color and embraces the big picture.  She has an inner 'sense' about people, is compassionate and other focused.  She is a thinker and considers things critically.  The Lord also showed me the ways He has gifted our son.  He has never met a soul who he wouldn't or didn't consider a friend.  He is a noticer, often commenting about things when I thought he hadn't been paying attention at all.  He is tender-hearted and embraces life with laughter and delight.  Both of our children love the Lord and desire to follow Him.

Our oldest and I were having a conversation last week about President Lincoln.  We talked about how hard he worked to keep our nation together when it seemed impossible.  We talked about how he believed in the states' rights, but some might have felt he overstepped those rights.  Then she made this observation, "He believed in the rights and freedoms of the individual more than he did the rights of the government, but it was for the good of all."

So what is the measure of success?  Is it a test score or is it a growing, developing human being?  Is it the assembly line of the masses or is it the pathway of the individual?  Do I want our children to follow the way of the world and it's empty praise?

Or do I pray they follow the Way of the Master, the One who uniquely created them so they might one day hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant"?