Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Late Disclaimer
Right now I am having a good laugh at myself. You know they mentioned that the drug they give you before the anesthesia, which I didn't get before the last surgery, has an amnesthia affect. Wow! I had completely forgotten that I did write something about the phone call I received from my surgeon's office last Monday. Oh, well. I guess my last post is a bit more clarification once my mind and heart cleared of anxiety! :-)
Considering the Blessings
I should have posted this sooner, but frankly, it didn't occur to me to do so. Last Tuesday, October 21st I received a call in the afternoon from the surgeon's office. His nurse explained to me she was just calling because the test results had come back. She went on to say the lymph nodes were clear, but that there was some tissue on the margin and the doctor wanted to talk to me about that at my appointment on Thursday.
In the interest of making sense of my thought process, I should probably mention that my mother had a second surgery on her hip in August. Part of her surgery included taking a tissue sample from the area to determine if there was any infection. It was explained to us by her surgeon that a pathologist would look at the white cell count in that tissue sample. Up to a certain number of white cells was good, within another range of numbers was a gray area, or possible infection, and above that range of numbers was not good. If the cell count had been above that number a heavy duty round of antibiotics as well as a complete removal of the previously replaced joint would have been necessary.
Now fast forward back to my phone call. In my mind I heard - the lymph nodes are technically clear of cancer, but they are right on the margin of not being clear. The doctor will talk to you about how we'll need to proceed with treatment in two days...a.k.a. an eternity.
A rational person, thinking clearly would have said, "Wait a minute, what does that mean? Explain what you just said to me." Therein lies the problem. I have a pretty good imagination and times like this do not necessarily make that an asset. Rather than ask questions, my emotions and mind took over. What I did do right, as my mind imagined it necessary to remove some lymph nodes and/or receive chemotherapy, is I cried out to God and I asked several close friends and family for prayer.
By Thursday's appointment I had again surrendered to God's plan, whatever that was. I don't remember exactly what I said to her, but the nurse explained in greater detail - or at least I understood it this time - that my lymph nodes were in fact completely clear of cancer. The margin she had mentioned related to the tumor and surrounding tissue taken from the breast. They like to have a minimum of 2mm of space (or margin) between the cancerous tissue and the edge. There was one spot as they tested that tissue that the margin was 1mm. My surgeon then explained that there were two ways to move forward:
1. Do nothing and let radiation therapy finish killing any cancerous tissue that may have been left behind.
2. Another surgery which would open up the same area and he would remove a little more tissue from that spot. No injection of dye to look at lymph nodes or guide wire needed this time. A period of healing and radiation therapy would follow this second surgery as well.
He asked my feelings on which step to take and I responded that I didn't feel terribly equipped or educated to make that call, but I was comfortable with whatever he and my radiation oncologist thought was in my best interests. He then went to consult over the phone with my radiation oncologist and returned stating she wanted to remove a little more tissue.
Honestly, I didn't particularly care either way. I was so joyful that none of my fears (Isn't that usually the way it goes?) were my reality. While I wasn't thrilled to endure the discomfort of healing again, I was also very aware of the blessings involved in my diagnosis. I did take the opportunity to ask my surgeon before things got underway yesterday whether this one was on him...with a smile of course. :-) I'm not upset with how things went. People do their very best and sometimes that isn't quite enough. In my case, there was another chance to 'finish the job'.
Today I am trying to recover. Although I was told it would be easier, I am finding that at least initially it is not. I have felt nauseous and a bit more weak this time. The sight of the surgery was a little more painful yesterday too, but today seems to be better. I will go back to see the surgeon next Tuesday for follow up, but for now I plan to take it easy and consider my blessings.
In the interest of making sense of my thought process, I should probably mention that my mother had a second surgery on her hip in August. Part of her surgery included taking a tissue sample from the area to determine if there was any infection. It was explained to us by her surgeon that a pathologist would look at the white cell count in that tissue sample. Up to a certain number of white cells was good, within another range of numbers was a gray area, or possible infection, and above that range of numbers was not good. If the cell count had been above that number a heavy duty round of antibiotics as well as a complete removal of the previously replaced joint would have been necessary.
Now fast forward back to my phone call. In my mind I heard - the lymph nodes are technically clear of cancer, but they are right on the margin of not being clear. The doctor will talk to you about how we'll need to proceed with treatment in two days...a.k.a. an eternity.
A rational person, thinking clearly would have said, "Wait a minute, what does that mean? Explain what you just said to me." Therein lies the problem. I have a pretty good imagination and times like this do not necessarily make that an asset. Rather than ask questions, my emotions and mind took over. What I did do right, as my mind imagined it necessary to remove some lymph nodes and/or receive chemotherapy, is I cried out to God and I asked several close friends and family for prayer.
By Thursday's appointment I had again surrendered to God's plan, whatever that was. I don't remember exactly what I said to her, but the nurse explained in greater detail - or at least I understood it this time - that my lymph nodes were in fact completely clear of cancer. The margin she had mentioned related to the tumor and surrounding tissue taken from the breast. They like to have a minimum of 2mm of space (or margin) between the cancerous tissue and the edge. There was one spot as they tested that tissue that the margin was 1mm. My surgeon then explained that there were two ways to move forward:
1. Do nothing and let radiation therapy finish killing any cancerous tissue that may have been left behind.
2. Another surgery which would open up the same area and he would remove a little more tissue from that spot. No injection of dye to look at lymph nodes or guide wire needed this time. A period of healing and radiation therapy would follow this second surgery as well.
He asked my feelings on which step to take and I responded that I didn't feel terribly equipped or educated to make that call, but I was comfortable with whatever he and my radiation oncologist thought was in my best interests. He then went to consult over the phone with my radiation oncologist and returned stating she wanted to remove a little more tissue.
Honestly, I didn't particularly care either way. I was so joyful that none of my fears (Isn't that usually the way it goes?) were my reality. While I wasn't thrilled to endure the discomfort of healing again, I was also very aware of the blessings involved in my diagnosis. I did take the opportunity to ask my surgeon before things got underway yesterday whether this one was on him...with a smile of course. :-) I'm not upset with how things went. People do their very best and sometimes that isn't quite enough. In my case, there was another chance to 'finish the job'.
Today I am trying to recover. Although I was told it would be easier, I am finding that at least initially it is not. I have felt nauseous and a bit more weak this time. The sight of the surgery was a little more painful yesterday too, but today seems to be better. I will go back to see the surgeon next Tuesday for follow up, but for now I plan to take it easy and consider my blessings.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
How God Sees Me ( a break from breast cancer )
The carousel was full of brightly colored animals of all kinds. Our daughter quickly chose a horse on the inner circle with its mane flowing majestically behind it. As the carousel began to turn and her horse slowly lept into the air, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirrors that surrounded the center. I watched as she smiled at herself, shyly at first, and then with a huge ear-to-ear grin. The familiar carousel tune played and she delightfully gazed at herself, enjoying the ride, almost as if she were sharing it with her friend in the mirror.
I'm not sure if our daughter's reaction to herself in the mirror would be the same now. I wrote the above paragraph for an article three years ago, but I certainly hope she would still smile at her reflection. Have you ever noticed how much little kids enjoy seeing themselves in the mirror? It makes me smile just thinking about it.
When and why exactly do we lose that I wonder? Is it when that kid in the school yard calls us a name? Is it when our parents speak harshly to us making us feel small? I'm sure this ending of the love affair we have with ourselves can't be linked to just one event, but rather erodes away over time and experience. While I do think it's important to learn humility and certainly to learn my position before a Holy God, I'm not sure it's such a great thing overall - this becoming so aware of personal "faults".
Too often my assessment of my faults is really a comparison of myself to others or a comparison of myself to what society around me seems to hold up as valuable. He said to them, "You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight." Luke 16:15. Wow, that sort of hits me. The interesting part is I have this feeling that although God certainly knows my faults and failings intimately, He (unlike me) doesn't dwell on those things.
The Bible tells me that I am made in His image. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. Genesis 1:31a. God calls me very good.
I also wonder would God have gone to the trouble and heartache to send His own Son to die a terrible death on a cross if He didn't think me worth saving. As I look at my role of parent and how I feel about my kids I can learn something about God here too. Although it is a very inadequate picture of my relationship with God, I do think He gave us family, in part, to demonstrate His great love for us. I know I would do anything to save my children, even give my own life if necessary as Christ gave His for mine.
As my Father in Heaven is aware of my faults, so too am I aware of my children's. They have areas we need to and are working on in their character development. Do I love them any less for that? Absolutely not! If anything, I want to help them improve, learn and grow in those areas. What a joy it is when they master something that had previously been a struggle. How proud I am when they care for another and put the desires of someone else above their own. When I think of my children or describe them to someone else, it's not their shortfalls I mention. I talk about how my daughter loves animals, music and art and is sensitive and caring of others. I talk about how my son has a sunny happy-go-lucky personality, loves to be the center of attention and has never met anyone who isn't his friend. These are the things that God has placed within them; it is who they are in His image. The rest will come as they learn to trust Him along the way, just as I am learning who I am in Him and little by little turning areas of struggle over to Him for character development.
I know all these things to be true. It's the putting them into practice that can be difficult. When I gaze into a mirror I see the circles under my eyes and the extra pounds I need to lose. Lord, help me to remember - Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30.
I'm not sure if our daughter's reaction to herself in the mirror would be the same now. I wrote the above paragraph for an article three years ago, but I certainly hope she would still smile at her reflection. Have you ever noticed how much little kids enjoy seeing themselves in the mirror? It makes me smile just thinking about it.
When and why exactly do we lose that I wonder? Is it when that kid in the school yard calls us a name? Is it when our parents speak harshly to us making us feel small? I'm sure this ending of the love affair we have with ourselves can't be linked to just one event, but rather erodes away over time and experience. While I do think it's important to learn humility and certainly to learn my position before a Holy God, I'm not sure it's such a great thing overall - this becoming so aware of personal "faults".
Too often my assessment of my faults is really a comparison of myself to others or a comparison of myself to what society around me seems to hold up as valuable. He said to them, "You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight." Luke 16:15. Wow, that sort of hits me. The interesting part is I have this feeling that although God certainly knows my faults and failings intimately, He (unlike me) doesn't dwell on those things.
The Bible tells me that I am made in His image. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. Genesis 1:31a. God calls me very good.
I also wonder would God have gone to the trouble and heartache to send His own Son to die a terrible death on a cross if He didn't think me worth saving. As I look at my role of parent and how I feel about my kids I can learn something about God here too. Although it is a very inadequate picture of my relationship with God, I do think He gave us family, in part, to demonstrate His great love for us. I know I would do anything to save my children, even give my own life if necessary as Christ gave His for mine.
As my Father in Heaven is aware of my faults, so too am I aware of my children's. They have areas we need to and are working on in their character development. Do I love them any less for that? Absolutely not! If anything, I want to help them improve, learn and grow in those areas. What a joy it is when they master something that had previously been a struggle. How proud I am when they care for another and put the desires of someone else above their own. When I think of my children or describe them to someone else, it's not their shortfalls I mention. I talk about how my daughter loves animals, music and art and is sensitive and caring of others. I talk about how my son has a sunny happy-go-lucky personality, loves to be the center of attention and has never met anyone who isn't his friend. These are the things that God has placed within them; it is who they are in His image. The rest will come as they learn to trust Him along the way, just as I am learning who I am in Him and little by little turning areas of struggle over to Him for character development.
I know all these things to be true. It's the putting them into practice that can be difficult. When I gaze into a mirror I see the circles under my eyes and the extra pounds I need to lose. Lord, help me to remember - Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30.
Monday, October 20, 2008
I'll Be Found in You, Still Standing
I took myself off the pain killers yesterday afternoon and substituted Ibuprophen, at least during the day. I'm still getting along quite comfortably for the most part, but now I can hold a conversation and easily remember what was said ten minutes ago. I'm also far less tired. I did call the surgeon's office to okay this decision today and was given their blessing, but truth be told, I probably would have continued without their blessing.
I received a call from the surgeon's office again this afternoon. The nurse told me that the tests had come back and shown the lymph nodes to be clear of cancer. Great news!! But just as I was preparing to celebrate she also said, the numbers where right on the line though, so he wants to discuss that with you when you come in Thursday to see him. I sat there processing what that could possibly mean and should have said, "Well, what does that mean?" Most of the time it is a serious effort to keep my tongue from moving much faster than my brain, why can't this information that comes with my cancer be one of those times it's actually helpful for my tongue to keep moving?! Instead, it seems to be tied up or in slow motion.
I haven't decided whether I'll call back tomorrow or just wait until Thursday's appointment. This would drive one of my friend's crazy. She would have said, "I'll be right down to get a copy of that report", so she could do her own research before Thursday's appointment. I'll probably be hearing from her! :-) I feel sort of stuck between wanting to know everything I can to make the best decision and wanting to just waiting to see how it all turns out. I take comfort in the fact that my Father knows exactly how things will turn out and it will happen according to His plan and purpose, but I also know that my desire to "hide" from it all does nothing to exercise my faith either. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue turning to Him when there's a new "development", good or bad.
There's a line to a song that goes - "When the world is falling out from under me. I'll be found in You, still standing..." I don't remember who sings it or what it's called, but I find myself in the lyrics of many songs it seems lately. It's in these moments of wondering and uncertainty that my faith is stretched even further and I cling to my Lord and Savior. It's because of Him that I can be found still standing.
I received a call from the surgeon's office again this afternoon. The nurse told me that the tests had come back and shown the lymph nodes to be clear of cancer. Great news!! But just as I was preparing to celebrate she also said, the numbers where right on the line though, so he wants to discuss that with you when you come in Thursday to see him. I sat there processing what that could possibly mean and should have said, "Well, what does that mean?" Most of the time it is a serious effort to keep my tongue from moving much faster than my brain, why can't this information that comes with my cancer be one of those times it's actually helpful for my tongue to keep moving?! Instead, it seems to be tied up or in slow motion.
I haven't decided whether I'll call back tomorrow or just wait until Thursday's appointment. This would drive one of my friend's crazy. She would have said, "I'll be right down to get a copy of that report", so she could do her own research before Thursday's appointment. I'll probably be hearing from her! :-) I feel sort of stuck between wanting to know everything I can to make the best decision and wanting to just waiting to see how it all turns out. I take comfort in the fact that my Father knows exactly how things will turn out and it will happen according to His plan and purpose, but I also know that my desire to "hide" from it all does nothing to exercise my faith either. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue turning to Him when there's a new "development", good or bad.
There's a line to a song that goes - "When the world is falling out from under me. I'll be found in You, still standing..." I don't remember who sings it or what it's called, but I find myself in the lyrics of many songs it seems lately. It's in these moments of wondering and uncertainty that my faith is stretched even further and I cling to my Lord and Savior. It's because of Him that I can be found still standing.
Friday, October 17, 2008
To God Be the Glory
I am beginning to come out of the fog of anesthesia a bit more, so I thought I would sit down to write. I haven't had many "procedures" in my life, so this is sort of new. I have had two children, but had only meds toward the end of labor to take the edge off contractions and I had an appendectomy when our daughter was a month old. I was so doubled over with pain from my appendix that I don't remember much of that at all. My husband reminded me yesterday that I drove myself to the hospital from my doctor's office. I had forgotten that! Anyway, the best way to describe this feeling is that my head is actually a helium filled balloon and traveling slightly slower than my body. I find myself having to read things a few times before they sink in. I hope this part goes away soon.
My only other complaint is an itchy rash mainly on my torso, but also on my head and upper arms. I had a similar reaction after my biopsy and due to the orangish color of the swabs they used, I had thought it was an allergic reaction to Betadine. Yesterday I learned that they don't use Betadine for biopsies and it was likely something called Chlora-prep. This information was given to those prepping me for surgery, but alas I still reacted to something. I figure if a foggy head and an itchy body are my biggest issues, I am doing pretty well!
The surgery yesterday went very smoothly. I spent the morning getting injected with a dye so the doctors would be able to see the lymph nodes better and then having a guide wire placed in the area of the tumor since it was so small. It felt as though I might be able to pick up a signal or something! After being wheeled around and getting prepped for surgery, I spent the remainder of time in a room with my husband, my parents and a close friend talking and laughing. Around 11:30, I was taken to the operating room by someone I graduated with from high school. Although Kim and I didn't travel in the same circles so-to-speak, I remember her as a fun and easy to get along with person. She still is. We spent the few moments prior to my surgery talking about who still lived around here and about our class reunion coming up next summer.
By 1:30, the surgeon was speaking to my family about how everything went. There was no cancer found in the centinal lymph nodes. This means there is not cancer in my lymph nodes at all since it would start in the centinal lymph nodes and spread from there. Great news!! Back in recovery, someone was saying my name and I was thinking I am so tired, I don't want to wake up. Then I remembered where I was and slowly began to come around. As soon as I thought I could formulate words, I asked the nurse, "Did they find anything in the lymph nodes?" At first she answered, "I don't know", but then she said, "Let me look at your records here." What wonderful words they were when she soon after replied, "No they didn't"! I spent a quiet moment praising my Heavenly Father.
Although there is still much ahead of me for treatment, I feel almost a sense of freedom now. I didn't realize that I felt so weighted down until that weight was lifted. And yet I know I was not and I am not carrying this burden alone. My Father in heaven is looking after every detail and there are so many covering us in prayer. Our very humble and grateful thanks to you all.
My only other complaint is an itchy rash mainly on my torso, but also on my head and upper arms. I had a similar reaction after my biopsy and due to the orangish color of the swabs they used, I had thought it was an allergic reaction to Betadine. Yesterday I learned that they don't use Betadine for biopsies and it was likely something called Chlora-prep. This information was given to those prepping me for surgery, but alas I still reacted to something. I figure if a foggy head and an itchy body are my biggest issues, I am doing pretty well!
The surgery yesterday went very smoothly. I spent the morning getting injected with a dye so the doctors would be able to see the lymph nodes better and then having a guide wire placed in the area of the tumor since it was so small. It felt as though I might be able to pick up a signal or something! After being wheeled around and getting prepped for surgery, I spent the remainder of time in a room with my husband, my parents and a close friend talking and laughing. Around 11:30, I was taken to the operating room by someone I graduated with from high school. Although Kim and I didn't travel in the same circles so-to-speak, I remember her as a fun and easy to get along with person. She still is. We spent the few moments prior to my surgery talking about who still lived around here and about our class reunion coming up next summer.
By 1:30, the surgeon was speaking to my family about how everything went. There was no cancer found in the centinal lymph nodes. This means there is not cancer in my lymph nodes at all since it would start in the centinal lymph nodes and spread from there. Great news!! Back in recovery, someone was saying my name and I was thinking I am so tired, I don't want to wake up. Then I remembered where I was and slowly began to come around. As soon as I thought I could formulate words, I asked the nurse, "Did they find anything in the lymph nodes?" At first she answered, "I don't know", but then she said, "Let me look at your records here." What wonderful words they were when she soon after replied, "No they didn't"! I spent a quiet moment praising my Heavenly Father.
Although there is still much ahead of me for treatment, I feel almost a sense of freedom now. I didn't realize that I felt so weighted down until that weight was lifted. And yet I know I was not and I am not carrying this burden alone. My Father in heaven is looking after every detail and there are so many covering us in prayer. Our very humble and grateful thanks to you all.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Do Not Worry...
Tomorrow begins the first step in my treatment and most importantly, recovery phase - Lord willing. I am scheduled for surgery to do a lumectomy at 12:00pm. The surgery is out patient and unless they find cancer in the lymph nodes and have to remove those, I should be back home tomorrow night.
I am amazingly calm tonight and have been really throughout the day. This is a testament I believe to the many who are praying for our family. I have received word from many friends in other places around the country that their Bible study or prayer groups are praying for our family. We are truly being uplifted to the Father by the family of God. It is an amazing and humbling experience for which I am eternally grateful.
Earlier this week I had some moments of real anguish and fear. I was looking at what seemed to be the facts of my insurance policy and was just overwhelmed with the thought of what was to come. My emotions began to run away with me as I imagined every possible hardship and problem that I was sure was coming our way. Why is it that I haven't learned that God is bigger than my circumstances? As I cry out to Him in my weakness, He melts away the fear and reassures me of His love once again.
I was just thinking this morning that Matthew 6:34 is coming alive for me right now. Then tonight at church, our daughter was sharing with her friend's mom that she was scared about my surgery tomorrow. Guess which verse this wonderful woman of God showed and read to her?
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own. My daughter was greatly comforted by that verse and couldn't wait to share it with me. Really, as I scan the living Word of God, I think Matthew 6:25-34 will be my morning nourishment... But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
I am amazingly calm tonight and have been really throughout the day. This is a testament I believe to the many who are praying for our family. I have received word from many friends in other places around the country that their Bible study or prayer groups are praying for our family. We are truly being uplifted to the Father by the family of God. It is an amazing and humbling experience for which I am eternally grateful.
Earlier this week I had some moments of real anguish and fear. I was looking at what seemed to be the facts of my insurance policy and was just overwhelmed with the thought of what was to come. My emotions began to run away with me as I imagined every possible hardship and problem that I was sure was coming our way. Why is it that I haven't learned that God is bigger than my circumstances? As I cry out to Him in my weakness, He melts away the fear and reassures me of His love once again.
I was just thinking this morning that Matthew 6:34 is coming alive for me right now. Then tonight at church, our daughter was sharing with her friend's mom that she was scared about my surgery tomorrow. Guess which verse this wonderful woman of God showed and read to her?
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own. My daughter was greatly comforted by that verse and couldn't wait to share it with me. Really, as I scan the living Word of God, I think Matthew 6:25-34 will be my morning nourishment... But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Transformation
We were recently given a butterfly garden by some dear friends. (http://www.insectlore.com/) The box arrived in the mail and we excitedly opened it to find a mesh habitat as well as a small plastic container of caterpillars and all they needed to survive. The caterpillars began fairly small, maybe an inch long and not quite as big around as a pencil. Over the course of a week, they ate and ate getting bigger and fatter. Then a few days ago we noticed that several of them had moved to the top of the container and were sort of hanging there. This was the beginning of the pupal stage. A change was taking place. Yesterday, we carefully opened the plastic container, removed a liner from the lid with five chrysalids attached and pinned it to the inside mesh of the habitat where we will anxiously await the emergence of our painted lady butterflies.
As the weeks have progressed I have been more and more aware of the picture this is of our lives. I began as a caterpillar. My life was not terribly beautiful and my primary interest was me. What could I do to get ahead. What could I do to get bigger and fatter, metaphorically speaking. I grew up "knowing" God. I was raised going to church and could recite all the basic doctrine, but nothing about it changed me. I did have a few times that I resolved to change and be closer to God, and I would start out well, but somehow my life never looked much different for very long. Did you catch that? I resolved to change. A caterpillar can't change without his Creator. At one point in my life, God drew me to himself. He helped me to see that I was living a lie and to begin to recognize my utter weakness and need for Him. From the time I turned my life over to Him, which I want to add is also a daily thing, He has begun the process of transformation in my life. Because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross for my sin, I have been transformed into a butterfly. It's only as I learn to live in the freedom of His grace and in the power of His Spirit, that I learn to fly.
There's a song by Brandon Heath called I'm Not Who I Was. The video shows people holding signs that say who they were in their bondage to sin before Christ and then those are turned around and say who they are set free by Christ. Things like - Broken... Mending, Addiction...Grateful and Thankful. I am also thankful that I'm not who I was. I am thankful that the Lord is more interested in my character and who He created me to be than in my comfort and "happiness". Don't misunderstand me. God wants me to be joyful in all things because of His great love for me and the hope I have in Him, but "happy" is fickle because it depends on the moment and circumstance. It's not lasting. Joy is lasting. As I think about what my sign would read if I were in Brandon Heath's video, it could say many things - Living for self...Serving others, Controlling...Learning to let go, but the one I think I'd settle on is Looking for happiness...Learning to live joyfully.
As the weeks have progressed I have been more and more aware of the picture this is of our lives. I began as a caterpillar. My life was not terribly beautiful and my primary interest was me. What could I do to get ahead. What could I do to get bigger and fatter, metaphorically speaking. I grew up "knowing" God. I was raised going to church and could recite all the basic doctrine, but nothing about it changed me. I did have a few times that I resolved to change and be closer to God, and I would start out well, but somehow my life never looked much different for very long. Did you catch that? I resolved to change. A caterpillar can't change without his Creator. At one point in my life, God drew me to himself. He helped me to see that I was living a lie and to begin to recognize my utter weakness and need for Him. From the time I turned my life over to Him, which I want to add is also a daily thing, He has begun the process of transformation in my life. Because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross for my sin, I have been transformed into a butterfly. It's only as I learn to live in the freedom of His grace and in the power of His Spirit, that I learn to fly.
There's a song by Brandon Heath called I'm Not Who I Was. The video shows people holding signs that say who they were in their bondage to sin before Christ and then those are turned around and say who they are set free by Christ. Things like - Broken... Mending, Addiction...Grateful and Thankful. I am also thankful that I'm not who I was. I am thankful that the Lord is more interested in my character and who He created me to be than in my comfort and "happiness". Don't misunderstand me. God wants me to be joyful in all things because of His great love for me and the hope I have in Him, but "happy" is fickle because it depends on the moment and circumstance. It's not lasting. Joy is lasting. As I think about what my sign would read if I were in Brandon Heath's video, it could say many things - Living for self...Serving others, Controlling...Learning to let go, but the one I think I'd settle on is Looking for happiness...Learning to live joyfully.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
The Faithful One
I have been reading through the book of Isaiah for a while now. It never ceases to amaze me how the Lord will speak to me through His word. I have experienced this many times as I have been struggling with various things. I will read a passage from a book I have been studying at church or a passage from a book I have just been working through on my own as is the case here, and the words seem to leap off the page and into my heart. It is a moving and often humbling experience.
Yesterday evening I read through my insurance book. Now there is some entertaining and enlightening reading! It did answer a few of my basic questions about what I can expect from them financially over the course of my treatment, but it also raised questions that I hadn't thought of - some of them alarming quite frankly. I have been working very hard to keep my sometimes easy-to-run-away-with-me emotions in check. When I feel myself getting sad or worried about things, I try to pray and focus on how big God is and that even if I don't, He has everything under control. He has been faithful to remind me of His love and care for me as I have both good and bad days emotionally.
A lot of what I read this morning was familiar, but today it took on new meaning in my life. God's Word often does that too. Here is what He had for me today:
"To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grown weary, they will walk and not grow faint. Isaiah 40:25-31
We cannot even comprehand how big God is. He is all powerful, holy, magnificent, sovereign... I may think at times He is too big to be concerned with my issues in light of the issues of our world and His plan for it, and yet His Word tells me just the opposite is true. God is so big that even the smallest of things are under His control. Not only that, but He CARES about all those smallest of things.
Last year one of the verses the kids and I memorized was Exodus 34:6-7a. In this passage God himself tells Moses of His own nature and character. Our 5 year old can still recite it. I am grateful the Lord has tucked this one in our hearts.
And [the Lord] passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin."
Lord, help me focus on who You are today and what You have promised.
Yesterday evening I read through my insurance book. Now there is some entertaining and enlightening reading! It did answer a few of my basic questions about what I can expect from them financially over the course of my treatment, but it also raised questions that I hadn't thought of - some of them alarming quite frankly. I have been working very hard to keep my sometimes easy-to-run-away-with-me emotions in check. When I feel myself getting sad or worried about things, I try to pray and focus on how big God is and that even if I don't, He has everything under control. He has been faithful to remind me of His love and care for me as I have both good and bad days emotionally.
A lot of what I read this morning was familiar, but today it took on new meaning in my life. God's Word often does that too. Here is what He had for me today:
"To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grown weary, they will walk and not grow faint. Isaiah 40:25-31
We cannot even comprehand how big God is. He is all powerful, holy, magnificent, sovereign... I may think at times He is too big to be concerned with my issues in light of the issues of our world and His plan for it, and yet His Word tells me just the opposite is true. God is so big that even the smallest of things are under His control. Not only that, but He CARES about all those smallest of things.
Last year one of the verses the kids and I memorized was Exodus 34:6-7a. In this passage God himself tells Moses of His own nature and character. Our 5 year old can still recite it. I am grateful the Lord has tucked this one in our hearts.
And [the Lord] passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin."
Lord, help me focus on who You are today and what You have promised.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Somewhere in the Middle
Today I met with the radiation oncologist. She was great. Yesterday I was feeling more than a little overwhelmed with all that needs to be decided in the next week. This morning I walked into the office and one of the first things I was told by the woman who warmly greeted me was, "We will take good care of you here." After going over my information for their computer system and signing necessary papers, she pointed me toward the waiting room where there was hot coffee, hot water, tea, juice and hot chocolate. Then she said, "I also have a gift for you." A gift? Yes. She handed me a basket full of a variety of colorful cards with earrings and an inspirational verse on each one. These are called Gems of Hope. On the back of my little card it says, "This inspirational card with earrings has been handcrafted for you by cancer survivors, family and friends. We hope this gift will encourage feelings of optimism and hope." I had hardly begun looking through the basket when the nurse came for me. It took me quite a while to chose one, they were all so lovely! I finally chose a pair of teal blue earrings. The verse on my card reads: Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is! Now this is a doctor appointment! We discussed all that I could expect with radiation treatment as well as my diagnosis. I left very encouraged and feeling almost pampered. Only a complementary massage would have made it more complete! :-)
Something else I have begun to notice is that random thoughts will often creep into my brain at odd times. For example, today I had the thought that I should try to complete our Christmas shopping in the next few weeks since I don't know how much radiation (if I go that route - still undecided) will affect my energy level. Plus I figure my strength needs to be reserved for schooling the kids, doctor appointments and keeping us fed and in clean clothes. Everything else will be "extra". This being said, I am also recognizing my perfectionistic tendancies playing a part here and with them, the potenial for unnecessary burden.
I just want to keep doing things well for those I love the most. Perhaps this is another area of pride the Lord is working on. Maybe I'm going to learn how to ask for help... Some time ago I remember asking Him to prune out the pride in me. Even as I prayed I recognized that I was asking for something that would likely be painful. I had a couple of specific areas in mind, and wouldn't you know it, God has revealed a few more... As I cringe, I also embrace what He is doing. Not always right away, but gently, faithfully He brings me there.
I end tonight's posting with the lyrics to song. It's another one that speaks to me. There are many...
Somewhere between the hot and cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences,
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves
Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the alter and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences,
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Lord, I fell You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle
Something else I have begun to notice is that random thoughts will often creep into my brain at odd times. For example, today I had the thought that I should try to complete our Christmas shopping in the next few weeks since I don't know how much radiation (if I go that route - still undecided) will affect my energy level. Plus I figure my strength needs to be reserved for schooling the kids, doctor appointments and keeping us fed and in clean clothes. Everything else will be "extra". This being said, I am also recognizing my perfectionistic tendancies playing a part here and with them, the potenial for unnecessary burden.
I just want to keep doing things well for those I love the most. Perhaps this is another area of pride the Lord is working on. Maybe I'm going to learn how to ask for help... Some time ago I remember asking Him to prune out the pride in me. Even as I prayed I recognized that I was asking for something that would likely be painful. I had a couple of specific areas in mind, and wouldn't you know it, God has revealed a few more... As I cringe, I also embrace what He is doing. Not always right away, but gently, faithfully He brings me there.
I end tonight's posting with the lyrics to song. It's another one that speaks to me. There are many...
Somewhere in the Middle by Casting Crowns
Somewhere between the hot and cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences,
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves
Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the alter and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences,
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Lord, I fell You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Choosing a Path
I met with my surgeon yesterday. I have said I hoped to be armed with more information after seeing him. I am armed with more information, but I also now have more questions! Some important pieces of information I learned yesterday were my stage of cancer has not been diagnosed yet (I have been telling people I am stage 1). That diagnosis will come with surgery and will be determined by a few factors including whether there is any cancer in my lymph nodes. The second piece of information was that early indicators are the type of cancer I have will be very receptive to treatment. Finally, I have two options for treatment essentially. My explanation will be much simpler than the surgeon's - 1. Mastectomy, reconstruction and potentially other therapy depending on the stage of cancer and 2. Lumpectomy and radiation therapy or chemotherapy depending on the stage of cancer. There were many other things I was told, but they have escaped me for now. I may take a friends example and advice and start taking a recording device with me! According to my friend, it tends to make doctors a little nervous at first, but it is a wonderful help to have a record of ALL the information discussed.
Today I got a call back from the surgeon's office and my surgery has been scheduled for next Thursday. I have also been scheduled to meet with a radiology oncologist tomorrow to discuss that treatment option. The nurse I spoke with this afternoon asked if I had thought of any questions. Well, they are all still swimming around my head. I mean, a month ago I was moving through life as usual... One question I did think of last night though I asked her about. What are the overall cost differences between getting a mastectomy verses radiation therapy? Her answer was not what I had expected to hear. A mastectomy is much less than radiation therapy. I don't know why, but mastecomy wasn't even on my radar until yesterday. I also don't really know why, but I assumed a mastectomy would cost more.
Another factor in this is that my husband lost his job (at least temporarily) with the flooding in June. Their office building had 7 feet of water in it. The owner plans to rebuild, but the Christmas season, critical for their sales, is quickly approaching... Back in June we switched my insurance coverage to a major medical policy, something we could afford with a loss of income. Thankfully, my husband's employer initially continued to pay his insurance and then we took over paying for his more manageable premium. The kids are also covered. God has continually amazed us as our needs have been consistently met where that didn't seem possible. With God ALL things are possible. That will be what we hang on to now as we look at medical expenses that seem daunting.
So now begins the heavy research, prayer, decision phase that needs to happen within a week. No pressure...
Finally, I received a card in the mail yesterday from my doctor. Many of you have heard me talk about our family doctor. We think she is really great. When I was pregnant with our son and was having some false labor, she called me at home after her work hours, to check and see how I was doing. My husband and I were talking through the events of the day last Monday when we received the biopsy results. My husband said, "I think it was almost harder for [our doctor] to give you the news than it was for you to get it." I had thought the same thing. I don't think she would mind my sharing her note, it really touched me.
"Dear Wendy -
I know this is a tough time for you and your family.
I just wanted to let you know what an inspiration you are to me. You are in my prayers.
God has all the answers - look to him."
Yes He does and I will.
Today I got a call back from the surgeon's office and my surgery has been scheduled for next Thursday. I have also been scheduled to meet with a radiology oncologist tomorrow to discuss that treatment option. The nurse I spoke with this afternoon asked if I had thought of any questions. Well, they are all still swimming around my head. I mean, a month ago I was moving through life as usual... One question I did think of last night though I asked her about. What are the overall cost differences between getting a mastectomy verses radiation therapy? Her answer was not what I had expected to hear. A mastectomy is much less than radiation therapy. I don't know why, but mastecomy wasn't even on my radar until yesterday. I also don't really know why, but I assumed a mastectomy would cost more.
Another factor in this is that my husband lost his job (at least temporarily) with the flooding in June. Their office building had 7 feet of water in it. The owner plans to rebuild, but the Christmas season, critical for their sales, is quickly approaching... Back in June we switched my insurance coverage to a major medical policy, something we could afford with a loss of income. Thankfully, my husband's employer initially continued to pay his insurance and then we took over paying for his more manageable premium. The kids are also covered. God has continually amazed us as our needs have been consistently met where that didn't seem possible. With God ALL things are possible. That will be what we hang on to now as we look at medical expenses that seem daunting.
So now begins the heavy research, prayer, decision phase that needs to happen within a week. No pressure...
Finally, I received a card in the mail yesterday from my doctor. Many of you have heard me talk about our family doctor. We think she is really great. When I was pregnant with our son and was having some false labor, she called me at home after her work hours, to check and see how I was doing. My husband and I were talking through the events of the day last Monday when we received the biopsy results. My husband said, "I think it was almost harder for [our doctor] to give you the news than it was for you to get it." I had thought the same thing. I don't think she would mind my sharing her note, it really touched me.
"Dear Wendy -
I know this is a tough time for you and your family.
I just wanted to let you know what an inspiration you are to me. You are in my prayers.
God has all the answers - look to him."
Yes He does and I will.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
My Diagnosis
My diagnosis reads as follows:
FRAGMENTS OF INVASIVE, GRADE 1, DUCTAL CARCINOMA OF THE BREAST.
I don't like that word "invasive", but as I have googled to read up a bit, I have also come to the conclusion that, 'if you have to pick a cancer to have...'
I will meet with my surgeon on Tuesday of this week. This will be a consultation and I hope to be armed with a bit more information. The radiologist showed me the mammogram pictures after my biopsy. There was no visible lump on those pictures, but I may still need to undergo a lumpectomy. Hopefully, my consultation will provide some answers.
My mother is a breast cancer survior. Our cases are almost identical in terms of how the lump was found and even the diagnosis' are identical. As odd as it is, this gives some measure of comfort in anticipating what is to come next. I don't know that my treatment will be identical, but it doesn't seem as unknown I guess. This fact was very helpful when we told our two children last Monday that I have breast cancer.
Our 5 year old is happily unaware of the evils of cancer and seems to be going about life as usual. Our 9 year old's initial reaction was one of fear. We went on to explain and reinforce all the positives - it was caught very early, my treatment will probably not be too hard (compared to other's), we're going to fight this cancer together and most importantly, God will be with us.
The first question she asked was, "Is Mommy going to die?" We answered this one carefully. We will all die and we have no way of knowing when, cancer or not. Our answer was, "No, this cancer is very treatable and Mommy is going to be okay." But we also emphasized the Sovereignty of God and our trust in Him.
The second question was, "Is Mommy going to lose her hair?" On the surface this seems like a question about looks and to some degree it is. My husband, always one to lighten a moment replied, "If Mommy loses her hair, I'm going to shave my head too. Do you want to shave your head if Mommy loses her hair?", to which an emphatic "No!" was the reply. As I pondered our daughter's question a little more, I think this question was also one of wondering what was going to change in our lives. Perhaps I am glad she didn't ask that question. I don't know the answer. Only God and time will reveal, at least in part, the answer to that question...
My diagnosis is this: (thanks Rachelle)
God is who He says He is
God can do what He says He can do
I am who God says I am
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
God's Word is alive and active in me
FRAGMENTS OF INVASIVE, GRADE 1, DUCTAL CARCINOMA OF THE BREAST.
I don't like that word "invasive", but as I have googled to read up a bit, I have also come to the conclusion that, 'if you have to pick a cancer to have...'
I will meet with my surgeon on Tuesday of this week. This will be a consultation and I hope to be armed with a bit more information. The radiologist showed me the mammogram pictures after my biopsy. There was no visible lump on those pictures, but I may still need to undergo a lumpectomy. Hopefully, my consultation will provide some answers.
My mother is a breast cancer survior. Our cases are almost identical in terms of how the lump was found and even the diagnosis' are identical. As odd as it is, this gives some measure of comfort in anticipating what is to come next. I don't know that my treatment will be identical, but it doesn't seem as unknown I guess. This fact was very helpful when we told our two children last Monday that I have breast cancer.
Our 5 year old is happily unaware of the evils of cancer and seems to be going about life as usual. Our 9 year old's initial reaction was one of fear. We went on to explain and reinforce all the positives - it was caught very early, my treatment will probably not be too hard (compared to other's), we're going to fight this cancer together and most importantly, God will be with us.
The first question she asked was, "Is Mommy going to die?" We answered this one carefully. We will all die and we have no way of knowing when, cancer or not. Our answer was, "No, this cancer is very treatable and Mommy is going to be okay." But we also emphasized the Sovereignty of God and our trust in Him.
The second question was, "Is Mommy going to lose her hair?" On the surface this seems like a question about looks and to some degree it is. My husband, always one to lighten a moment replied, "If Mommy loses her hair, I'm going to shave my head too. Do you want to shave your head if Mommy loses her hair?", to which an emphatic "No!" was the reply. As I pondered our daughter's question a little more, I think this question was also one of wondering what was going to change in our lives. Perhaps I am glad she didn't ask that question. I don't know the answer. Only God and time will reveal, at least in part, the answer to that question...
My diagnosis is this: (thanks Rachelle)
God is who He says He is
God can do what He says He can do
I am who God says I am
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
God's Word is alive and active in me
Friday, October 3, 2008
Something Heavenly
For several days now I have been trying to find out the name of a song and well as the group who sings it. On Monday as I was traveling to my doctors office to get the biopsy results, I heard this song for the first time.
My mind was a jumble of thoughts and I really wasn't listening to the radio, but then I remember the thought, "I'm not wild about this song..." breaking through the mental noise. As soon as that thought came I began to really listen to the words. Just as quickly as I thought, "I'm not wild about this song", the words began to sink into my soul and I had an overwhelming sense of the Lord's preparation of my heart for what was to come. Not wanting to let my emotions get carried away, I tucked the message and sense of preparation away to ponder later.
After getting the diagnosis and the emotional roller coaster that went with that day, I was certain that the song was meant for me in that moment. Now I realize that this statement may seem "out there" to some reading this, but I cannot deny what I know is true. I am so grateful to the Lord for the way He met me in those quiet moments on Monday...
My mind was a jumble of thoughts and I really wasn't listening to the radio, but then I remember the thought, "I'm not wild about this song..." breaking through the mental noise. As soon as that thought came I began to really listen to the words. Just as quickly as I thought, "I'm not wild about this song", the words began to sink into my soul and I had an overwhelming sense of the Lord's preparation of my heart for what was to come. Not wanting to let my emotions get carried away, I tucked the message and sense of preparation away to ponder later.
After getting the diagnosis and the emotional roller coaster that went with that day, I was certain that the song was meant for me in that moment. Now I realize that this statement may seem "out there" to some reading this, but I cannot deny what I know is true. I am so grateful to the Lord for the way He met me in those quiet moments on Monday...
Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real
It's time for healing, time to move on,
it's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
it's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You're doing inside of me
it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone, time to begin again,
re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me I give everything - I surrender
Whatever You're doing inside of me
it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
that I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
it feels like chaos, but I believe...
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
it feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly
Something heavenly
Thursday, October 2, 2008
A Bend in the Road
On September 10th, 2008, I went for a routine mammogram. I returned for additional mammograms and ultrasound on Friday, September 19th. The radiologist seemed sure the lump that was there wasn't cancerous, but recommended a biopsy to be sure. September 25th was the day of the biopsy. It took longer than expected, but was overall uneventful. Then, Monday, September 29th I learned I have stage 1 breast cancer. This, Lord willing, will be my story.
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