Today, I was able to get the final Saturday radiation treatment I needed in order to finish all 33 treatments by the end of the year. I will get three more treatments next week and the radiation portion of my treatment will be complete. As the weeks have gone on, the slight fatigue has stayed about the same, but the discomfort increased. What began as mild soreness, has grown into a sunburn-like irritation. There is also at times a sharp pain in the area the tumor was removed. Thankfully it doesn't last for more than a moment or two, but it too has become more frequent as the weeks progressed. The nurse I see weekly at the radiation center said this can last for up to a year and in rare cases doesn't go away. Only time will tell...
September 29th, the day I learned of my cancer, seems like so long ago. We have physically and emotionally come a long way since then. At the same time though, the time has gone fast. While I didn't feel like I had much time to process things and treatment options at the time, I feel good about the choices we made. I really was able to sort through some things emotionally along the way as well.
The next phase of treatment is five years of hormone therapy, which will involve taking tamoxifen daily for that time. There are some side affects that I'm not excited about, but I am choosing to focus on the blessings and not the costs. I will meet again with my medical oncologist Tuesday and will know more about the next steps then. I had also considered participating in a study involving taking a bone strengthening drug for three of the five years. After reading the material I was given and reading up on the drugs involved, I have decided against it. The side affects for the three drugs were pretty severe and I would definitely be on one of them. I concluded that the negatives outweighed the positives by too much and I didn't sense that this was something I was supposed to do.
The Lord has been so good to us. He has faithfully worked out each detail as we knew He would. As of January 1st I will be back on the group medical converage through Jim's employer that was flooded out. They aren't back to work, but since they haven't closed up or let employees go, that insurance is still available to us. I also cannot adequately express our deep gratitude for the outpouring of love we have experienced throughout these last couple of months. The loving care our family received has allowed us to focus on resting, healing and each other.
Today as I was traveling home from treatment it occurred to me that I will need to be careful not to forget the things I have discovered along the way. Unfortunately, it's so easy to forget. I get busy and once again let daily life rule the day rather than being intentional about my choices and where my heart is. I pray that the Lord will help me to both remember what I have learned and to continue on this road of being transformed into the likeness of Christ. I've come a long way, but there's so much more road to travel.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
"The Word" by Sara Groves
I've done every devotional
Been everyplace emotional
Trying to hear a new word from God
And I think it's very odd
That while I intend to help myself
My Bible sits upon the shelf
With every promise I could ever need
Chorus:
And the Word was
And the Word is
And the Word will be
And the Word was
And the Word is
And the Word will be
People are getting fit for Truth
Like they're buyin' a new tailored suit
Does it fit across the shoulders
Will it fade when it get's older
We throw ideas that aren't in style
In the Salvation Army pile
And search for something more to meet our needs
Chorus (two times)
I think it's time I rediscover
All the ground that I have covered
Like 'Seek ye first'
What a verse
We are pressed but not crushed
Perplexed but don't despair
We are persecuted but not abandoned
We are no longer slaves
We are daughters and sons
And when we are weak we are very strong
And neither death nor life
Nor present nor future
Nor depth nor height
Can keep us from the love of Christ
And the Word I need
Is the Word that was
That put on flesh to dwell with us
In the beginning...
Chorus
Rather than write more, I think I'll let the song speak for itself. A good reminder to us all that God doesn't change, yet remains relevant yesterday, today and tomorrow. Rediscover or discover Him for yourself...
Been everyplace emotional
Trying to hear a new word from God
And I think it's very odd
That while I intend to help myself
My Bible sits upon the shelf
With every promise I could ever need
Chorus:
And the Word was
And the Word is
And the Word will be
And the Word was
And the Word is
And the Word will be
People are getting fit for Truth
Like they're buyin' a new tailored suit
Does it fit across the shoulders
Will it fade when it get's older
We throw ideas that aren't in style
In the Salvation Army pile
And search for something more to meet our needs
Chorus (two times)
I think it's time I rediscover
All the ground that I have covered
Like 'Seek ye first'
What a verse
We are pressed but not crushed
Perplexed but don't despair
We are persecuted but not abandoned
We are no longer slaves
We are daughters and sons
And when we are weak we are very strong
And neither death nor life
Nor present nor future
Nor depth nor height
Can keep us from the love of Christ
And the Word I need
Is the Word that was
That put on flesh to dwell with us
In the beginning...
Chorus
Rather than write more, I think I'll let the song speak for itself. A good reminder to us all that God doesn't change, yet remains relevant yesterday, today and tomorrow. Rediscover or discover Him for yourself...
The Half Way Point
I am officially half way through my radiation treatments now. As the weeks have progressed I have noticed a bit more fatigue, which usually begins to set in mid to late afternoon. For the most part I manage to push through it without much difficulty, but there have been days that I have become "zombie mom" by early evening. I will add that those have been rare, maybe just one or two days. I have managed to get a nap in here and there too, which helps.
The other affect of radiation that I am beginning to notice is skin tenderness. Thus far my skin is just mildly pink. Given my sensitivity to the sun, I really expected to react fairly quickly. Whether due to my being faithful to apply the creams I was given or due to skin reacting differently to radiation X-rays than to the suns rays, I do not know. Now along with that pink tone a slight discomfort has set in. It's very subtle and not extremely uncomfortable. I would liken it to when you have been out in the sun just a bit too long, narrowly escaping a sunburn. Your skin becomes somewhat dry, tight and perhaps the slightest bit sore. This is the closest I can come to describing how I feel at the moment.
I am also pleased to report that I will be receiving a treatment this Saturday morning, which will get me one day closer to completing everything before the end of the year. Although I am thrilled to be able to get this treatment, I also feel a little guilty about it. I spoke with my radiation oncologist this past Monday about whether it looked as though a Saturday treatment would be possible. She encouraged me to check with the technicians each Friday about it and also placed a note regarding this in my file. Yesterday I decided to ask about the possibility of not doing the last two treatments if Saturday treatments weren't possible. I had learned earlier in the week that the final five treatments, rather than treating the whole breast, are more localized to the spot where the tumor was removed. My thinking was that I could stop treatments at number 31, but they could perhaps "bump up" the final five localized ones to treatments 27 - 31 (rather than 29 - 33). Upon checking with the doctor about this, I was told that although they didn't have anyone coming in for emergency treatment this Saturday, they were going to schedule me to come in and do a treatment. I felt more than a little sheepish since it was not my intent to force their hand so-to-speak and said so to the technician. She assured me it wasn't a problem. I have decided I need to just get over it and be thankful for the opportunity.
We have been getting meals at least two times each week from wonderful friends from our Adult Bible Fellowship at church and the rotation of sitters I have in place for our children is going well too. They are having a wonderful time going to play at different places each day for a short while, although I must admit, I will be glad when treatments are complete and there will not be a need to go out each day, especially when the weather turns bad.
I have more on my mind and heart today, but time does not allow for more at the moment...
The other affect of radiation that I am beginning to notice is skin tenderness. Thus far my skin is just mildly pink. Given my sensitivity to the sun, I really expected to react fairly quickly. Whether due to my being faithful to apply the creams I was given or due to skin reacting differently to radiation X-rays than to the suns rays, I do not know. Now along with that pink tone a slight discomfort has set in. It's very subtle and not extremely uncomfortable. I would liken it to when you have been out in the sun just a bit too long, narrowly escaping a sunburn. Your skin becomes somewhat dry, tight and perhaps the slightest bit sore. This is the closest I can come to describing how I feel at the moment.
I am also pleased to report that I will be receiving a treatment this Saturday morning, which will get me one day closer to completing everything before the end of the year. Although I am thrilled to be able to get this treatment, I also feel a little guilty about it. I spoke with my radiation oncologist this past Monday about whether it looked as though a Saturday treatment would be possible. She encouraged me to check with the technicians each Friday about it and also placed a note regarding this in my file. Yesterday I decided to ask about the possibility of not doing the last two treatments if Saturday treatments weren't possible. I had learned earlier in the week that the final five treatments, rather than treating the whole breast, are more localized to the spot where the tumor was removed. My thinking was that I could stop treatments at number 31, but they could perhaps "bump up" the final five localized ones to treatments 27 - 31 (rather than 29 - 33). Upon checking with the doctor about this, I was told that although they didn't have anyone coming in for emergency treatment this Saturday, they were going to schedule me to come in and do a treatment. I felt more than a little sheepish since it was not my intent to force their hand so-to-speak and said so to the technician. She assured me it wasn't a problem. I have decided I need to just get over it and be thankful for the opportunity.
We have been getting meals at least two times each week from wonderful friends from our Adult Bible Fellowship at church and the rotation of sitters I have in place for our children is going well too. They are having a wonderful time going to play at different places each day for a short while, although I must admit, I will be glad when treatments are complete and there will not be a need to go out each day, especially when the weather turns bad.
I have more on my mind and heart today, but time does not allow for more at the moment...
Friday, November 21, 2008
Just What I Need
Last week was a flurry of phone calls in order to try to get a grasp of what was ahead. I first called the radiation oncologist to see if my appointment could be moved up. Early in the week, I realized that I would not finish all 33 of my treatments before the end of this year and with insurance still so up in the air I wanted to at least attempt to get most, if not all, in by December 31st.
After I explained our situation, both with my husband's employment and my insurance coverage, they were able to work me in a bit earlier. Although, I was told that moving forward would depend on the degree I had healed from surgery. There was nothing I could do about that but pray and pray I did - that I would be sufficiently healed to move forward if that was God's plan for me.
I also verified with our state insurance division what I had suspected. Due to the nature of my policy, each time it is renewed it goes through underwriting. This means they have every legal right to call my treatment for breast cancer a pre-existing condition even though it was covered by them in the previous six months. I will be doing some additional calling and research in the coming weeks as I explore what every option for insurance may be. This will be yet another prayer concern...for patience as I wade through the details, phone calls, automated voice operators, etc. Lord help me!!
As I said, my appointment with the radiation oncologist was moved up and I met with her last Thursday. She did think I was healed enough to proceed (thank you, God), but also told me they normally like to wait four weeks after surgery to begin radiation. I was then taken to another room where they mold a special pillow to your arms as they are raised above your head, measure everything to get the precise angles for treatment, and mark you to ensure each treatment is given in the same location each time. Everyone was very kind and thoughtful. I was also thrilled to learn that I was going to begin treatment the following Monday rather than Tuesday or Wednesday as I thought it would be. Yet another day or two I'd get in before December 31st! Finally, the doctor returned to go over basic instructions prior to treatment on Monday. She also told me that she was trying to be very sensitive to our insurance/financial situation and that, while she couldn't promise me anything, occasionally they come in on Saturdays and if that happened she would make every effort to have me come in so that I could get all treatments completed before the end of the year. Wow! God is so good!!
In addition to praying that two Saturday treatments will be possible, my prayer will be that I continue to stay healthy and able to do each treatment. As I pray though, I also recognize that my Father is in complete control and I can trust Him no matter how it all comes together.
I began radiation treatment this past Monday and have now completed five of the 33 treatments. Thus far, I haven't noticed any side affects. I'm a little sore perhaps, but my body has been through a biopsy, two surgeries and now a week of radiation in a little less than two months. I'm a little tired maybe, but truth-be-told I haven't managed to get into my intended routine of going to bed earlier each night, slowing down and taking care of myself. I'll get there...
The outpouring of concern and care has been amazing. We are doing so well, I am certain, because of the prayers of many. Meals have begun to come a couple times each week. I have a team of wonderful people who are either on my rotation of child care or are on a back up list should the need arise. I am blessed to have both my parents and my husbands parents living nearby, willing and able to help out. One friend informed me that she would be paying to have her cleaning service come in every other week so I don't have to worry about keeping up with everything. I have a husband that is happy to help with whatever task I may need help with. It is truly overwhelming at times. And I am so incredibly grateful that the Lord provides just what I/we need, just when we need it.
After I explained our situation, both with my husband's employment and my insurance coverage, they were able to work me in a bit earlier. Although, I was told that moving forward would depend on the degree I had healed from surgery. There was nothing I could do about that but pray and pray I did - that I would be sufficiently healed to move forward if that was God's plan for me.
I also verified with our state insurance division what I had suspected. Due to the nature of my policy, each time it is renewed it goes through underwriting. This means they have every legal right to call my treatment for breast cancer a pre-existing condition even though it was covered by them in the previous six months. I will be doing some additional calling and research in the coming weeks as I explore what every option for insurance may be. This will be yet another prayer concern...for patience as I wade through the details, phone calls, automated voice operators, etc. Lord help me!!
As I said, my appointment with the radiation oncologist was moved up and I met with her last Thursday. She did think I was healed enough to proceed (thank you, God), but also told me they normally like to wait four weeks after surgery to begin radiation. I was then taken to another room where they mold a special pillow to your arms as they are raised above your head, measure everything to get the precise angles for treatment, and mark you to ensure each treatment is given in the same location each time. Everyone was very kind and thoughtful. I was also thrilled to learn that I was going to begin treatment the following Monday rather than Tuesday or Wednesday as I thought it would be. Yet another day or two I'd get in before December 31st! Finally, the doctor returned to go over basic instructions prior to treatment on Monday. She also told me that she was trying to be very sensitive to our insurance/financial situation and that, while she couldn't promise me anything, occasionally they come in on Saturdays and if that happened she would make every effort to have me come in so that I could get all treatments completed before the end of the year. Wow! God is so good!!
In addition to praying that two Saturday treatments will be possible, my prayer will be that I continue to stay healthy and able to do each treatment. As I pray though, I also recognize that my Father is in complete control and I can trust Him no matter how it all comes together.
I began radiation treatment this past Monday and have now completed five of the 33 treatments. Thus far, I haven't noticed any side affects. I'm a little sore perhaps, but my body has been through a biopsy, two surgeries and now a week of radiation in a little less than two months. I'm a little tired maybe, but truth-be-told I haven't managed to get into my intended routine of going to bed earlier each night, slowing down and taking care of myself. I'll get there...
The outpouring of concern and care has been amazing. We are doing so well, I am certain, because of the prayers of many. Meals have begun to come a couple times each week. I have a team of wonderful people who are either on my rotation of child care or are on a back up list should the need arise. I am blessed to have both my parents and my husbands parents living nearby, willing and able to help out. One friend informed me that she would be paying to have her cleaning service come in every other week so I don't have to worry about keeping up with everything. I have a husband that is happy to help with whatever task I may need help with. It is truly overwhelming at times. And I am so incredibly grateful that the Lord provides just what I/we need, just when we need it.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Twists and Turns in the Road
I find it interesting to reflect on the chain of events or twists and turns in the road we have experienced over this past year. Like a good story, I notice something new each time I think about all that has transpired. And I am amazed and humbled to see how the Creator of all things has worked in my life.
I could easily sit and lament over all the difficulties that have come our way. Industry downturns leading to decreased sales and commissions for my husband in April and May. A flood of epic proportions wiping out his employer and devastating the community around us in June. A decision to move me, temporarily, from group medical coverage to individual short term major medical coverage for a $225 per month savings in June. A struggle to clean up and rebuild in our community over the summer. A diagnosis of breast cancer in September. Not to mention the things of concern going on nationally.
And yet, I'm not (most of the time)fearful. Do I wish we had made some different choices along the way? Sometimes. Knowing what we know now, perhaps we would have made different ones. None of us gets a window to the future and so we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. My one regret would be not seeking wisdom in prayer more often, for even the "little" things. Perhaps we may have made some different choices if we had prayed through them more. Only the Lord knows.
And yet I am grateful for what we are going through. That sounds crazy I know, but we are learning things about God, about ourselves, about those caring for us that we may never have learned another way. For example, one lesson came from a short passage in Micah 5:13b "...you will no longer bow down to the work of your hands." That verse pierced me like an arrow. Honestly, I have always considered us a bit less fortunate in the financial area than many of those around us. While we are extremely wealthy when compared with most of the world, I compared myself with my neighbor and I was envious. Envious of nice vacations, stylish wardrobes, larger homes... Rather than being content with what I do have, I wished for more and was always planning on how we could budget better or work harder to get more. Then our ship would come in and I would be so generous with all that God would bless us with! Reading that verse in Micah as we studied it brought home the realization that I was worshiping the idol of things, the idol of self-effort and the idol of my perceived control instead of worshiping my Creator who is Provider and Sustainer of all things. While I know God does not want me to sit idle, I have a greater understanding that the fact we can pay our bills is because of His faithfulness. He has given us the ability to work and earn an income. He has caused others to give out of their abundance to us. (Because of my pride, that's not always an easy thing to accept.) He has provided my husband's work, our home, our food, our clothing, the ability to breathe... I can't take credit for one iota of it. And that's the way He wants it. The glory is His alone.
As I reflect on my list of twists and turns in our road, I can name a blessing, or many, that have come out of each difficulty. Here are just a few: an awe inspiring outpouring of neighbor helping neighbor and a community coming together, Eight Days of Hope - where over a thousand people came from all over this nation to rebuild homes and lives and to give hope and got nothing monetary in return, the opportunity to share my faith as I walk through this health challenge, being a witness to the greatness of my God and being able to testify to how He has seen us through every trial, dealing with medical billing departments and insurance people not only ethically, but righteously (another lesson from our Adult Bible Fellowship at church)...
And so, while I can't deny that there is some stress and I do wonder how we will manage to stay on top of medical bills along with our other expenses, I also know that the Lord is again showing me His sovereignty, faithfulness and love.
I could easily sit and lament over all the difficulties that have come our way. Industry downturns leading to decreased sales and commissions for my husband in April and May. A flood of epic proportions wiping out his employer and devastating the community around us in June. A decision to move me, temporarily, from group medical coverage to individual short term major medical coverage for a $225 per month savings in June. A struggle to clean up and rebuild in our community over the summer. A diagnosis of breast cancer in September. Not to mention the things of concern going on nationally.
And yet, I'm not (most of the time)fearful. Do I wish we had made some different choices along the way? Sometimes. Knowing what we know now, perhaps we would have made different ones. None of us gets a window to the future and so we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. My one regret would be not seeking wisdom in prayer more often, for even the "little" things. Perhaps we may have made some different choices if we had prayed through them more. Only the Lord knows.
And yet I am grateful for what we are going through. That sounds crazy I know, but we are learning things about God, about ourselves, about those caring for us that we may never have learned another way. For example, one lesson came from a short passage in Micah 5:13b "...you will no longer bow down to the work of your hands." That verse pierced me like an arrow. Honestly, I have always considered us a bit less fortunate in the financial area than many of those around us. While we are extremely wealthy when compared with most of the world, I compared myself with my neighbor and I was envious. Envious of nice vacations, stylish wardrobes, larger homes... Rather than being content with what I do have, I wished for more and was always planning on how we could budget better or work harder to get more. Then our ship would come in and I would be so generous with all that God would bless us with! Reading that verse in Micah as we studied it brought home the realization that I was worshiping the idol of things, the idol of self-effort and the idol of my perceived control instead of worshiping my Creator who is Provider and Sustainer of all things. While I know God does not want me to sit idle, I have a greater understanding that the fact we can pay our bills is because of His faithfulness. He has given us the ability to work and earn an income. He has caused others to give out of their abundance to us. (Because of my pride, that's not always an easy thing to accept.) He has provided my husband's work, our home, our food, our clothing, the ability to breathe... I can't take credit for one iota of it. And that's the way He wants it. The glory is His alone.
As I reflect on my list of twists and turns in our road, I can name a blessing, or many, that have come out of each difficulty. Here are just a few: an awe inspiring outpouring of neighbor helping neighbor and a community coming together, Eight Days of Hope - where over a thousand people came from all over this nation to rebuild homes and lives and to give hope and got nothing monetary in return, the opportunity to share my faith as I walk through this health challenge, being a witness to the greatness of my God and being able to testify to how He has seen us through every trial, dealing with medical billing departments and insurance people not only ethically, but righteously (another lesson from our Adult Bible Fellowship at church)...
And so, while I can't deny that there is some stress and I do wonder how we will manage to stay on top of medical bills along with our other expenses, I also know that the Lord is again showing me His sovereignty, faithfulness and love.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
The True Reality
Shadowfeet by Brooke Fraser
Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing, less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
and I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day
[CHORUS]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
Theres distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way
[CHORUS]
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things
You make all things
[CHORUS 2]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
(You can listen to this song below on my playlist if you haven't heard it.)
Wow, does this song say exactly what I'm feeling. I feel as though my faith has grown exponentially over the last couple of years and particularly now. One of the things I have been learning is that the spiritual is the reality (the true reality) and the physical on this earth is just a type and picture or a shadow of that reality. As I begin to grasp this more and more, and believe me I have a long way to go, I feel more and more an alien in this place. Both Hebrews 11:13 and 1 Peter 2:11 refer to believers as aliens and strangers in the world.
Looking at the larger physical world around me I feel two things. The first is a deep sadness for all the ways that this man/I blow it. We are often so far from God's ways. In fact too many times we create a god of our own making and fancy rather than serving the God that is God. The God of the Bible, both Old and New Testament. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He doesn't change with the times, with the latest style, cultural norm or even the polls. He will not be conformed to my image of Him, but as His child, He WILL conform me to His image.
The second thing I feel as I look at the world around me is that I don't belong here. I love my family and my life, but at times living in this fallen world knowing (as much as humanly possible) what awaits me in eternity is almost too much. How I long for Jesus to return and take His children up with Him in the clouds(1 Thessalonians 4:16 - 17). Recently, we have been listening to Focus on the Families Radio Theater series on the Chronicles of Narnia. We have the entire CD set. I have read all the books, but there's also something about listening to them come alive. The Last Battle, the seventh and final book in the series, is becoming one of my favorite. I so identify with the characters at the end when they discover the "true Narnia" or the true reality as the song puts it. The absolute bursting joy the characters express is exactly what I imagine experiencing heaven to be like. I can't wait.
You may think after reading all this that I am just eagerly waiting to die. Not exactly. While I believe I can say that I don't fear death, I'm not ready just yet. I still have children to raise, teach and love. I still have a husband to love and, I hope, spend much more time with. I still have family and friends that are dear to me. Yes, this is the paradox. I can't wait to go, but I want so much to stay. And so my prayer will be to recognize and experience the kingdom of heaven on earth while I wait upon the true reality.
I have had people say to me over the course of the last month or so, "You are so strong." or "You are handling this so well." If I appear to be strong it is only Christ in me that makes it so. If I appear to be handling things well, you have probably seen me on those days that I have clung again to the hope that is my Lord and Savior and not on the days that I have tried to keep things under control on my own and failed. As this journey has begun, and not by my choosing I will add, I have stood at a crossroads. One path led to self pity, fear, anguish and despair. Another led to trust, faith, peace and hope. As I see it, there is only one path and by His grace I am on it. He does make all things new.
Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing, less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
and I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day
[CHORUS]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
Theres distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way
[CHORUS]
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things new
You make all things
You make all things
[CHORUS 2]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
When time and space are through
I'll be found in you
(You can listen to this song below on my playlist if you haven't heard it.)
Wow, does this song say exactly what I'm feeling. I feel as though my faith has grown exponentially over the last couple of years and particularly now. One of the things I have been learning is that the spiritual is the reality (the true reality) and the physical on this earth is just a type and picture or a shadow of that reality. As I begin to grasp this more and more, and believe me I have a long way to go, I feel more and more an alien in this place. Both Hebrews 11:13 and 1 Peter 2:11 refer to believers as aliens and strangers in the world.
Looking at the larger physical world around me I feel two things. The first is a deep sadness for all the ways that this man/I blow it. We are often so far from God's ways. In fact too many times we create a god of our own making and fancy rather than serving the God that is God. The God of the Bible, both Old and New Testament. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He doesn't change with the times, with the latest style, cultural norm or even the polls. He will not be conformed to my image of Him, but as His child, He WILL conform me to His image.
The second thing I feel as I look at the world around me is that I don't belong here. I love my family and my life, but at times living in this fallen world knowing (as much as humanly possible) what awaits me in eternity is almost too much. How I long for Jesus to return and take His children up with Him in the clouds(1 Thessalonians 4:16 - 17). Recently, we have been listening to Focus on the Families Radio Theater series on the Chronicles of Narnia. We have the entire CD set. I have read all the books, but there's also something about listening to them come alive. The Last Battle, the seventh and final book in the series, is becoming one of my favorite. I so identify with the characters at the end when they discover the "true Narnia" or the true reality as the song puts it. The absolute bursting joy the characters express is exactly what I imagine experiencing heaven to be like. I can't wait.
You may think after reading all this that I am just eagerly waiting to die. Not exactly. While I believe I can say that I don't fear death, I'm not ready just yet. I still have children to raise, teach and love. I still have a husband to love and, I hope, spend much more time with. I still have family and friends that are dear to me. Yes, this is the paradox. I can't wait to go, but I want so much to stay. And so my prayer will be to recognize and experience the kingdom of heaven on earth while I wait upon the true reality.
I have had people say to me over the course of the last month or so, "You are so strong." or "You are handling this so well." If I appear to be strong it is only Christ in me that makes it so. If I appear to be handling things well, you have probably seen me on those days that I have clung again to the hope that is my Lord and Savior and not on the days that I have tried to keep things under control on my own and failed. As this journey has begun, and not by my choosing I will add, I have stood at a crossroads. One path led to self pity, fear, anguish and despair. Another led to trust, faith, peace and hope. As I see it, there is only one path and by His grace I am on it. He does make all things new.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
I Am Blessed
It's been a little while since my last post and I feel like so much has happened! In the time since my last surgery we have celebrated Halloween, said good bye to a loved friend (a year old filly named Seattle Scoot, granddaughter of Seattle Slew, which belonged to close friends who are more like family), and elected a new President as well as traversed the ups and downs of this second recovery for me. While I have had much on my mind and heart this last week+, I opted not to get on my soapbox...at least not now. :-)
Yesterday I had my follow up visit with the surgeon. It went well and I am healing fine. The additional tissue that was taken was completely free of cancer. I will now move on to the next phase of treatment, which I expect to be radiation therapy. My surgeon has been very careful not to say chemotherapy is off the table, mainly I think because that is not for him to decide. However, I am hanging on to what my radiation oncologist told me which was that she would be very surprised if chemotherapy was found to be necessary. I will meet with a medical oncologist on Friday of this week and look forward (if that's quite possible or accurate to say) to hearing what she has to say about my treatment and prognosis. I chose, at least initially, to see the same medical oncologist as my mother. I am hoping that there may be some benefit to her seeing both my mom and I. We are considering doing some genetic testing at some point.
On Tuesday, November 18th, I will go to the radiation oncologist and have the preliminary work done that is necessary to begin radiation therapy. I am guessing at this point, but I think I will begin radiation therapy the week of Thanksgiving and should finish the six and a half week daily treatments just after the first of the year.
The first few days after surgery were a little rough with nausea, weakness and discomfort and then I came down with a cold too. After a couple of days I felt better for the most part, but by midday would be just exhausted and unable to tackle much. It was during this time that I made the decision to take a leave of absence from my part time job. While I'm only scheduled four hours per week, I realized in those moments of fatigue that having one more thing to worry about "handling" just isn't worth it. It has been interesting on this journey to come to those realizations of what I truely value in my life and what is an extra. We are funny creatures really. It has taken looking squarely at my own mortality to have a better understanding of what is important in my life. Unfortunately, I don't think my experience is uncommon. I highly recommend the movie The Bucket List if you haven't seen it. You will laugh and you will cry (if you are like me). While I'm not planning to skydive or go on any exotic trips and I'm not terminally ill like the characters in the movie, it did give me pause to think about some things.
Yesterday was also the first day that I felt like myself again, at least mostly. My energy level was good. I accomplished several things. I'm sure my husband was especially glad. He really is a marvelous man, husband, father and friend. His job currently involves construction and at times, some pretty labor intensive work. He comes home some evenings exhausted, but never complains if supper isn't much to write home about or even if he has to handle making supper or caring for kids or whatever. I would also be remiss if I didn't say that we have been well cared for by many friends and family with meals and outings for the kids. This has also helped tremendously. More than anything though, I am gratefully aware that my husband will be there with me every step of this journey. I know times like this can be stressful on some marriages, but it has made ours stronger. I am very blessed.
Yesterday I had my follow up visit with the surgeon. It went well and I am healing fine. The additional tissue that was taken was completely free of cancer. I will now move on to the next phase of treatment, which I expect to be radiation therapy. My surgeon has been very careful not to say chemotherapy is off the table, mainly I think because that is not for him to decide. However, I am hanging on to what my radiation oncologist told me which was that she would be very surprised if chemotherapy was found to be necessary. I will meet with a medical oncologist on Friday of this week and look forward (if that's quite possible or accurate to say) to hearing what she has to say about my treatment and prognosis. I chose, at least initially, to see the same medical oncologist as my mother. I am hoping that there may be some benefit to her seeing both my mom and I. We are considering doing some genetic testing at some point.
On Tuesday, November 18th, I will go to the radiation oncologist and have the preliminary work done that is necessary to begin radiation therapy. I am guessing at this point, but I think I will begin radiation therapy the week of Thanksgiving and should finish the six and a half week daily treatments just after the first of the year.
The first few days after surgery were a little rough with nausea, weakness and discomfort and then I came down with a cold too. After a couple of days I felt better for the most part, but by midday would be just exhausted and unable to tackle much. It was during this time that I made the decision to take a leave of absence from my part time job. While I'm only scheduled four hours per week, I realized in those moments of fatigue that having one more thing to worry about "handling" just isn't worth it. It has been interesting on this journey to come to those realizations of what I truely value in my life and what is an extra. We are funny creatures really. It has taken looking squarely at my own mortality to have a better understanding of what is important in my life. Unfortunately, I don't think my experience is uncommon. I highly recommend the movie The Bucket List if you haven't seen it. You will laugh and you will cry (if you are like me). While I'm not planning to skydive or go on any exotic trips and I'm not terminally ill like the characters in the movie, it did give me pause to think about some things.
Yesterday was also the first day that I felt like myself again, at least mostly. My energy level was good. I accomplished several things. I'm sure my husband was especially glad. He really is a marvelous man, husband, father and friend. His job currently involves construction and at times, some pretty labor intensive work. He comes home some evenings exhausted, but never complains if supper isn't much to write home about or even if he has to handle making supper or caring for kids or whatever. I would also be remiss if I didn't say that we have been well cared for by many friends and family with meals and outings for the kids. This has also helped tremendously. More than anything though, I am gratefully aware that my husband will be there with me every step of this journey. I know times like this can be stressful on some marriages, but it has made ours stronger. I am very blessed.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Late Disclaimer
Right now I am having a good laugh at myself. You know they mentioned that the drug they give you before the anesthesia, which I didn't get before the last surgery, has an amnesthia affect. Wow! I had completely forgotten that I did write something about the phone call I received from my surgeon's office last Monday. Oh, well. I guess my last post is a bit more clarification once my mind and heart cleared of anxiety! :-)
Considering the Blessings
I should have posted this sooner, but frankly, it didn't occur to me to do so. Last Tuesday, October 21st I received a call in the afternoon from the surgeon's office. His nurse explained to me she was just calling because the test results had come back. She went on to say the lymph nodes were clear, but that there was some tissue on the margin and the doctor wanted to talk to me about that at my appointment on Thursday.
In the interest of making sense of my thought process, I should probably mention that my mother had a second surgery on her hip in August. Part of her surgery included taking a tissue sample from the area to determine if there was any infection. It was explained to us by her surgeon that a pathologist would look at the white cell count in that tissue sample. Up to a certain number of white cells was good, within another range of numbers was a gray area, or possible infection, and above that range of numbers was not good. If the cell count had been above that number a heavy duty round of antibiotics as well as a complete removal of the previously replaced joint would have been necessary.
Now fast forward back to my phone call. In my mind I heard - the lymph nodes are technically clear of cancer, but they are right on the margin of not being clear. The doctor will talk to you about how we'll need to proceed with treatment in two days...a.k.a. an eternity.
A rational person, thinking clearly would have said, "Wait a minute, what does that mean? Explain what you just said to me." Therein lies the problem. I have a pretty good imagination and times like this do not necessarily make that an asset. Rather than ask questions, my emotions and mind took over. What I did do right, as my mind imagined it necessary to remove some lymph nodes and/or receive chemotherapy, is I cried out to God and I asked several close friends and family for prayer.
By Thursday's appointment I had again surrendered to God's plan, whatever that was. I don't remember exactly what I said to her, but the nurse explained in greater detail - or at least I understood it this time - that my lymph nodes were in fact completely clear of cancer. The margin she had mentioned related to the tumor and surrounding tissue taken from the breast. They like to have a minimum of 2mm of space (or margin) between the cancerous tissue and the edge. There was one spot as they tested that tissue that the margin was 1mm. My surgeon then explained that there were two ways to move forward:
1. Do nothing and let radiation therapy finish killing any cancerous tissue that may have been left behind.
2. Another surgery which would open up the same area and he would remove a little more tissue from that spot. No injection of dye to look at lymph nodes or guide wire needed this time. A period of healing and radiation therapy would follow this second surgery as well.
He asked my feelings on which step to take and I responded that I didn't feel terribly equipped or educated to make that call, but I was comfortable with whatever he and my radiation oncologist thought was in my best interests. He then went to consult over the phone with my radiation oncologist and returned stating she wanted to remove a little more tissue.
Honestly, I didn't particularly care either way. I was so joyful that none of my fears (Isn't that usually the way it goes?) were my reality. While I wasn't thrilled to endure the discomfort of healing again, I was also very aware of the blessings involved in my diagnosis. I did take the opportunity to ask my surgeon before things got underway yesterday whether this one was on him...with a smile of course. :-) I'm not upset with how things went. People do their very best and sometimes that isn't quite enough. In my case, there was another chance to 'finish the job'.
Today I am trying to recover. Although I was told it would be easier, I am finding that at least initially it is not. I have felt nauseous and a bit more weak this time. The sight of the surgery was a little more painful yesterday too, but today seems to be better. I will go back to see the surgeon next Tuesday for follow up, but for now I plan to take it easy and consider my blessings.
In the interest of making sense of my thought process, I should probably mention that my mother had a second surgery on her hip in August. Part of her surgery included taking a tissue sample from the area to determine if there was any infection. It was explained to us by her surgeon that a pathologist would look at the white cell count in that tissue sample. Up to a certain number of white cells was good, within another range of numbers was a gray area, or possible infection, and above that range of numbers was not good. If the cell count had been above that number a heavy duty round of antibiotics as well as a complete removal of the previously replaced joint would have been necessary.
Now fast forward back to my phone call. In my mind I heard - the lymph nodes are technically clear of cancer, but they are right on the margin of not being clear. The doctor will talk to you about how we'll need to proceed with treatment in two days...a.k.a. an eternity.
A rational person, thinking clearly would have said, "Wait a minute, what does that mean? Explain what you just said to me." Therein lies the problem. I have a pretty good imagination and times like this do not necessarily make that an asset. Rather than ask questions, my emotions and mind took over. What I did do right, as my mind imagined it necessary to remove some lymph nodes and/or receive chemotherapy, is I cried out to God and I asked several close friends and family for prayer.
By Thursday's appointment I had again surrendered to God's plan, whatever that was. I don't remember exactly what I said to her, but the nurse explained in greater detail - or at least I understood it this time - that my lymph nodes were in fact completely clear of cancer. The margin she had mentioned related to the tumor and surrounding tissue taken from the breast. They like to have a minimum of 2mm of space (or margin) between the cancerous tissue and the edge. There was one spot as they tested that tissue that the margin was 1mm. My surgeon then explained that there were two ways to move forward:
1. Do nothing and let radiation therapy finish killing any cancerous tissue that may have been left behind.
2. Another surgery which would open up the same area and he would remove a little more tissue from that spot. No injection of dye to look at lymph nodes or guide wire needed this time. A period of healing and radiation therapy would follow this second surgery as well.
He asked my feelings on which step to take and I responded that I didn't feel terribly equipped or educated to make that call, but I was comfortable with whatever he and my radiation oncologist thought was in my best interests. He then went to consult over the phone with my radiation oncologist and returned stating she wanted to remove a little more tissue.
Honestly, I didn't particularly care either way. I was so joyful that none of my fears (Isn't that usually the way it goes?) were my reality. While I wasn't thrilled to endure the discomfort of healing again, I was also very aware of the blessings involved in my diagnosis. I did take the opportunity to ask my surgeon before things got underway yesterday whether this one was on him...with a smile of course. :-) I'm not upset with how things went. People do their very best and sometimes that isn't quite enough. In my case, there was another chance to 'finish the job'.
Today I am trying to recover. Although I was told it would be easier, I am finding that at least initially it is not. I have felt nauseous and a bit more weak this time. The sight of the surgery was a little more painful yesterday too, but today seems to be better. I will go back to see the surgeon next Tuesday for follow up, but for now I plan to take it easy and consider my blessings.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
How God Sees Me ( a break from breast cancer )
The carousel was full of brightly colored animals of all kinds. Our daughter quickly chose a horse on the inner circle with its mane flowing majestically behind it. As the carousel began to turn and her horse slowly lept into the air, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirrors that surrounded the center. I watched as she smiled at herself, shyly at first, and then with a huge ear-to-ear grin. The familiar carousel tune played and she delightfully gazed at herself, enjoying the ride, almost as if she were sharing it with her friend in the mirror.
I'm not sure if our daughter's reaction to herself in the mirror would be the same now. I wrote the above paragraph for an article three years ago, but I certainly hope she would still smile at her reflection. Have you ever noticed how much little kids enjoy seeing themselves in the mirror? It makes me smile just thinking about it.
When and why exactly do we lose that I wonder? Is it when that kid in the school yard calls us a name? Is it when our parents speak harshly to us making us feel small? I'm sure this ending of the love affair we have with ourselves can't be linked to just one event, but rather erodes away over time and experience. While I do think it's important to learn humility and certainly to learn my position before a Holy God, I'm not sure it's such a great thing overall - this becoming so aware of personal "faults".
Too often my assessment of my faults is really a comparison of myself to others or a comparison of myself to what society around me seems to hold up as valuable. He said to them, "You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight." Luke 16:15. Wow, that sort of hits me. The interesting part is I have this feeling that although God certainly knows my faults and failings intimately, He (unlike me) doesn't dwell on those things.
The Bible tells me that I am made in His image. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. Genesis 1:31a. God calls me very good.
I also wonder would God have gone to the trouble and heartache to send His own Son to die a terrible death on a cross if He didn't think me worth saving. As I look at my role of parent and how I feel about my kids I can learn something about God here too. Although it is a very inadequate picture of my relationship with God, I do think He gave us family, in part, to demonstrate His great love for us. I know I would do anything to save my children, even give my own life if necessary as Christ gave His for mine.
As my Father in Heaven is aware of my faults, so too am I aware of my children's. They have areas we need to and are working on in their character development. Do I love them any less for that? Absolutely not! If anything, I want to help them improve, learn and grow in those areas. What a joy it is when they master something that had previously been a struggle. How proud I am when they care for another and put the desires of someone else above their own. When I think of my children or describe them to someone else, it's not their shortfalls I mention. I talk about how my daughter loves animals, music and art and is sensitive and caring of others. I talk about how my son has a sunny happy-go-lucky personality, loves to be the center of attention and has never met anyone who isn't his friend. These are the things that God has placed within them; it is who they are in His image. The rest will come as they learn to trust Him along the way, just as I am learning who I am in Him and little by little turning areas of struggle over to Him for character development.
I know all these things to be true. It's the putting them into practice that can be difficult. When I gaze into a mirror I see the circles under my eyes and the extra pounds I need to lose. Lord, help me to remember - Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30.
I'm not sure if our daughter's reaction to herself in the mirror would be the same now. I wrote the above paragraph for an article three years ago, but I certainly hope she would still smile at her reflection. Have you ever noticed how much little kids enjoy seeing themselves in the mirror? It makes me smile just thinking about it.
When and why exactly do we lose that I wonder? Is it when that kid in the school yard calls us a name? Is it when our parents speak harshly to us making us feel small? I'm sure this ending of the love affair we have with ourselves can't be linked to just one event, but rather erodes away over time and experience. While I do think it's important to learn humility and certainly to learn my position before a Holy God, I'm not sure it's such a great thing overall - this becoming so aware of personal "faults".
Too often my assessment of my faults is really a comparison of myself to others or a comparison of myself to what society around me seems to hold up as valuable. He said to them, "You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight." Luke 16:15. Wow, that sort of hits me. The interesting part is I have this feeling that although God certainly knows my faults and failings intimately, He (unlike me) doesn't dwell on those things.
The Bible tells me that I am made in His image. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. Genesis 1:31a. God calls me very good.
I also wonder would God have gone to the trouble and heartache to send His own Son to die a terrible death on a cross if He didn't think me worth saving. As I look at my role of parent and how I feel about my kids I can learn something about God here too. Although it is a very inadequate picture of my relationship with God, I do think He gave us family, in part, to demonstrate His great love for us. I know I would do anything to save my children, even give my own life if necessary as Christ gave His for mine.
As my Father in Heaven is aware of my faults, so too am I aware of my children's. They have areas we need to and are working on in their character development. Do I love them any less for that? Absolutely not! If anything, I want to help them improve, learn and grow in those areas. What a joy it is when they master something that had previously been a struggle. How proud I am when they care for another and put the desires of someone else above their own. When I think of my children or describe them to someone else, it's not their shortfalls I mention. I talk about how my daughter loves animals, music and art and is sensitive and caring of others. I talk about how my son has a sunny happy-go-lucky personality, loves to be the center of attention and has never met anyone who isn't his friend. These are the things that God has placed within them; it is who they are in His image. The rest will come as they learn to trust Him along the way, just as I am learning who I am in Him and little by little turning areas of struggle over to Him for character development.
I know all these things to be true. It's the putting them into practice that can be difficult. When I gaze into a mirror I see the circles under my eyes and the extra pounds I need to lose. Lord, help me to remember - Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30.
Monday, October 20, 2008
I'll Be Found in You, Still Standing
I took myself off the pain killers yesterday afternoon and substituted Ibuprophen, at least during the day. I'm still getting along quite comfortably for the most part, but now I can hold a conversation and easily remember what was said ten minutes ago. I'm also far less tired. I did call the surgeon's office to okay this decision today and was given their blessing, but truth be told, I probably would have continued without their blessing.
I received a call from the surgeon's office again this afternoon. The nurse told me that the tests had come back and shown the lymph nodes to be clear of cancer. Great news!! But just as I was preparing to celebrate she also said, the numbers where right on the line though, so he wants to discuss that with you when you come in Thursday to see him. I sat there processing what that could possibly mean and should have said, "Well, what does that mean?" Most of the time it is a serious effort to keep my tongue from moving much faster than my brain, why can't this information that comes with my cancer be one of those times it's actually helpful for my tongue to keep moving?! Instead, it seems to be tied up or in slow motion.
I haven't decided whether I'll call back tomorrow or just wait until Thursday's appointment. This would drive one of my friend's crazy. She would have said, "I'll be right down to get a copy of that report", so she could do her own research before Thursday's appointment. I'll probably be hearing from her! :-) I feel sort of stuck between wanting to know everything I can to make the best decision and wanting to just waiting to see how it all turns out. I take comfort in the fact that my Father knows exactly how things will turn out and it will happen according to His plan and purpose, but I also know that my desire to "hide" from it all does nothing to exercise my faith either. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue turning to Him when there's a new "development", good or bad.
There's a line to a song that goes - "When the world is falling out from under me. I'll be found in You, still standing..." I don't remember who sings it or what it's called, but I find myself in the lyrics of many songs it seems lately. It's in these moments of wondering and uncertainty that my faith is stretched even further and I cling to my Lord and Savior. It's because of Him that I can be found still standing.
I received a call from the surgeon's office again this afternoon. The nurse told me that the tests had come back and shown the lymph nodes to be clear of cancer. Great news!! But just as I was preparing to celebrate she also said, the numbers where right on the line though, so he wants to discuss that with you when you come in Thursday to see him. I sat there processing what that could possibly mean and should have said, "Well, what does that mean?" Most of the time it is a serious effort to keep my tongue from moving much faster than my brain, why can't this information that comes with my cancer be one of those times it's actually helpful for my tongue to keep moving?! Instead, it seems to be tied up or in slow motion.
I haven't decided whether I'll call back tomorrow or just wait until Thursday's appointment. This would drive one of my friend's crazy. She would have said, "I'll be right down to get a copy of that report", so she could do her own research before Thursday's appointment. I'll probably be hearing from her! :-) I feel sort of stuck between wanting to know everything I can to make the best decision and wanting to just waiting to see how it all turns out. I take comfort in the fact that my Father knows exactly how things will turn out and it will happen according to His plan and purpose, but I also know that my desire to "hide" from it all does nothing to exercise my faith either. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue turning to Him when there's a new "development", good or bad.
There's a line to a song that goes - "When the world is falling out from under me. I'll be found in You, still standing..." I don't remember who sings it or what it's called, but I find myself in the lyrics of many songs it seems lately. It's in these moments of wondering and uncertainty that my faith is stretched even further and I cling to my Lord and Savior. It's because of Him that I can be found still standing.
Friday, October 17, 2008
To God Be the Glory
I am beginning to come out of the fog of anesthesia a bit more, so I thought I would sit down to write. I haven't had many "procedures" in my life, so this is sort of new. I have had two children, but had only meds toward the end of labor to take the edge off contractions and I had an appendectomy when our daughter was a month old. I was so doubled over with pain from my appendix that I don't remember much of that at all. My husband reminded me yesterday that I drove myself to the hospital from my doctor's office. I had forgotten that! Anyway, the best way to describe this feeling is that my head is actually a helium filled balloon and traveling slightly slower than my body. I find myself having to read things a few times before they sink in. I hope this part goes away soon.
My only other complaint is an itchy rash mainly on my torso, but also on my head and upper arms. I had a similar reaction after my biopsy and due to the orangish color of the swabs they used, I had thought it was an allergic reaction to Betadine. Yesterday I learned that they don't use Betadine for biopsies and it was likely something called Chlora-prep. This information was given to those prepping me for surgery, but alas I still reacted to something. I figure if a foggy head and an itchy body are my biggest issues, I am doing pretty well!
The surgery yesterday went very smoothly. I spent the morning getting injected with a dye so the doctors would be able to see the lymph nodes better and then having a guide wire placed in the area of the tumor since it was so small. It felt as though I might be able to pick up a signal or something! After being wheeled around and getting prepped for surgery, I spent the remainder of time in a room with my husband, my parents and a close friend talking and laughing. Around 11:30, I was taken to the operating room by someone I graduated with from high school. Although Kim and I didn't travel in the same circles so-to-speak, I remember her as a fun and easy to get along with person. She still is. We spent the few moments prior to my surgery talking about who still lived around here and about our class reunion coming up next summer.
By 1:30, the surgeon was speaking to my family about how everything went. There was no cancer found in the centinal lymph nodes. This means there is not cancer in my lymph nodes at all since it would start in the centinal lymph nodes and spread from there. Great news!! Back in recovery, someone was saying my name and I was thinking I am so tired, I don't want to wake up. Then I remembered where I was and slowly began to come around. As soon as I thought I could formulate words, I asked the nurse, "Did they find anything in the lymph nodes?" At first she answered, "I don't know", but then she said, "Let me look at your records here." What wonderful words they were when she soon after replied, "No they didn't"! I spent a quiet moment praising my Heavenly Father.
Although there is still much ahead of me for treatment, I feel almost a sense of freedom now. I didn't realize that I felt so weighted down until that weight was lifted. And yet I know I was not and I am not carrying this burden alone. My Father in heaven is looking after every detail and there are so many covering us in prayer. Our very humble and grateful thanks to you all.
My only other complaint is an itchy rash mainly on my torso, but also on my head and upper arms. I had a similar reaction after my biopsy and due to the orangish color of the swabs they used, I had thought it was an allergic reaction to Betadine. Yesterday I learned that they don't use Betadine for biopsies and it was likely something called Chlora-prep. This information was given to those prepping me for surgery, but alas I still reacted to something. I figure if a foggy head and an itchy body are my biggest issues, I am doing pretty well!
The surgery yesterday went very smoothly. I spent the morning getting injected with a dye so the doctors would be able to see the lymph nodes better and then having a guide wire placed in the area of the tumor since it was so small. It felt as though I might be able to pick up a signal or something! After being wheeled around and getting prepped for surgery, I spent the remainder of time in a room with my husband, my parents and a close friend talking and laughing. Around 11:30, I was taken to the operating room by someone I graduated with from high school. Although Kim and I didn't travel in the same circles so-to-speak, I remember her as a fun and easy to get along with person. She still is. We spent the few moments prior to my surgery talking about who still lived around here and about our class reunion coming up next summer.
By 1:30, the surgeon was speaking to my family about how everything went. There was no cancer found in the centinal lymph nodes. This means there is not cancer in my lymph nodes at all since it would start in the centinal lymph nodes and spread from there. Great news!! Back in recovery, someone was saying my name and I was thinking I am so tired, I don't want to wake up. Then I remembered where I was and slowly began to come around. As soon as I thought I could formulate words, I asked the nurse, "Did they find anything in the lymph nodes?" At first she answered, "I don't know", but then she said, "Let me look at your records here." What wonderful words they were when she soon after replied, "No they didn't"! I spent a quiet moment praising my Heavenly Father.
Although there is still much ahead of me for treatment, I feel almost a sense of freedom now. I didn't realize that I felt so weighted down until that weight was lifted. And yet I know I was not and I am not carrying this burden alone. My Father in heaven is looking after every detail and there are so many covering us in prayer. Our very humble and grateful thanks to you all.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Do Not Worry...
Tomorrow begins the first step in my treatment and most importantly, recovery phase - Lord willing. I am scheduled for surgery to do a lumectomy at 12:00pm. The surgery is out patient and unless they find cancer in the lymph nodes and have to remove those, I should be back home tomorrow night.
I am amazingly calm tonight and have been really throughout the day. This is a testament I believe to the many who are praying for our family. I have received word from many friends in other places around the country that their Bible study or prayer groups are praying for our family. We are truly being uplifted to the Father by the family of God. It is an amazing and humbling experience for which I am eternally grateful.
Earlier this week I had some moments of real anguish and fear. I was looking at what seemed to be the facts of my insurance policy and was just overwhelmed with the thought of what was to come. My emotions began to run away with me as I imagined every possible hardship and problem that I was sure was coming our way. Why is it that I haven't learned that God is bigger than my circumstances? As I cry out to Him in my weakness, He melts away the fear and reassures me of His love once again.
I was just thinking this morning that Matthew 6:34 is coming alive for me right now. Then tonight at church, our daughter was sharing with her friend's mom that she was scared about my surgery tomorrow. Guess which verse this wonderful woman of God showed and read to her?
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own. My daughter was greatly comforted by that verse and couldn't wait to share it with me. Really, as I scan the living Word of God, I think Matthew 6:25-34 will be my morning nourishment... But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
I am amazingly calm tonight and have been really throughout the day. This is a testament I believe to the many who are praying for our family. I have received word from many friends in other places around the country that their Bible study or prayer groups are praying for our family. We are truly being uplifted to the Father by the family of God. It is an amazing and humbling experience for which I am eternally grateful.
Earlier this week I had some moments of real anguish and fear. I was looking at what seemed to be the facts of my insurance policy and was just overwhelmed with the thought of what was to come. My emotions began to run away with me as I imagined every possible hardship and problem that I was sure was coming our way. Why is it that I haven't learned that God is bigger than my circumstances? As I cry out to Him in my weakness, He melts away the fear and reassures me of His love once again.
I was just thinking this morning that Matthew 6:34 is coming alive for me right now. Then tonight at church, our daughter was sharing with her friend's mom that she was scared about my surgery tomorrow. Guess which verse this wonderful woman of God showed and read to her?
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own. My daughter was greatly comforted by that verse and couldn't wait to share it with me. Really, as I scan the living Word of God, I think Matthew 6:25-34 will be my morning nourishment... But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Transformation
We were recently given a butterfly garden by some dear friends. (http://www.insectlore.com/) The box arrived in the mail and we excitedly opened it to find a mesh habitat as well as a small plastic container of caterpillars and all they needed to survive. The caterpillars began fairly small, maybe an inch long and not quite as big around as a pencil. Over the course of a week, they ate and ate getting bigger and fatter. Then a few days ago we noticed that several of them had moved to the top of the container and were sort of hanging there. This was the beginning of the pupal stage. A change was taking place. Yesterday, we carefully opened the plastic container, removed a liner from the lid with five chrysalids attached and pinned it to the inside mesh of the habitat where we will anxiously await the emergence of our painted lady butterflies.
As the weeks have progressed I have been more and more aware of the picture this is of our lives. I began as a caterpillar. My life was not terribly beautiful and my primary interest was me. What could I do to get ahead. What could I do to get bigger and fatter, metaphorically speaking. I grew up "knowing" God. I was raised going to church and could recite all the basic doctrine, but nothing about it changed me. I did have a few times that I resolved to change and be closer to God, and I would start out well, but somehow my life never looked much different for very long. Did you catch that? I resolved to change. A caterpillar can't change without his Creator. At one point in my life, God drew me to himself. He helped me to see that I was living a lie and to begin to recognize my utter weakness and need for Him. From the time I turned my life over to Him, which I want to add is also a daily thing, He has begun the process of transformation in my life. Because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross for my sin, I have been transformed into a butterfly. It's only as I learn to live in the freedom of His grace and in the power of His Spirit, that I learn to fly.
There's a song by Brandon Heath called I'm Not Who I Was. The video shows people holding signs that say who they were in their bondage to sin before Christ and then those are turned around and say who they are set free by Christ. Things like - Broken... Mending, Addiction...Grateful and Thankful. I am also thankful that I'm not who I was. I am thankful that the Lord is more interested in my character and who He created me to be than in my comfort and "happiness". Don't misunderstand me. God wants me to be joyful in all things because of His great love for me and the hope I have in Him, but "happy" is fickle because it depends on the moment and circumstance. It's not lasting. Joy is lasting. As I think about what my sign would read if I were in Brandon Heath's video, it could say many things - Living for self...Serving others, Controlling...Learning to let go, but the one I think I'd settle on is Looking for happiness...Learning to live joyfully.
As the weeks have progressed I have been more and more aware of the picture this is of our lives. I began as a caterpillar. My life was not terribly beautiful and my primary interest was me. What could I do to get ahead. What could I do to get bigger and fatter, metaphorically speaking. I grew up "knowing" God. I was raised going to church and could recite all the basic doctrine, but nothing about it changed me. I did have a few times that I resolved to change and be closer to God, and I would start out well, but somehow my life never looked much different for very long. Did you catch that? I resolved to change. A caterpillar can't change without his Creator. At one point in my life, God drew me to himself. He helped me to see that I was living a lie and to begin to recognize my utter weakness and need for Him. From the time I turned my life over to Him, which I want to add is also a daily thing, He has begun the process of transformation in my life. Because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross for my sin, I have been transformed into a butterfly. It's only as I learn to live in the freedom of His grace and in the power of His Spirit, that I learn to fly.
There's a song by Brandon Heath called I'm Not Who I Was. The video shows people holding signs that say who they were in their bondage to sin before Christ and then those are turned around and say who they are set free by Christ. Things like - Broken... Mending, Addiction...Grateful and Thankful. I am also thankful that I'm not who I was. I am thankful that the Lord is more interested in my character and who He created me to be than in my comfort and "happiness". Don't misunderstand me. God wants me to be joyful in all things because of His great love for me and the hope I have in Him, but "happy" is fickle because it depends on the moment and circumstance. It's not lasting. Joy is lasting. As I think about what my sign would read if I were in Brandon Heath's video, it could say many things - Living for self...Serving others, Controlling...Learning to let go, but the one I think I'd settle on is Looking for happiness...Learning to live joyfully.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
The Faithful One
I have been reading through the book of Isaiah for a while now. It never ceases to amaze me how the Lord will speak to me through His word. I have experienced this many times as I have been struggling with various things. I will read a passage from a book I have been studying at church or a passage from a book I have just been working through on my own as is the case here, and the words seem to leap off the page and into my heart. It is a moving and often humbling experience.
Yesterday evening I read through my insurance book. Now there is some entertaining and enlightening reading! It did answer a few of my basic questions about what I can expect from them financially over the course of my treatment, but it also raised questions that I hadn't thought of - some of them alarming quite frankly. I have been working very hard to keep my sometimes easy-to-run-away-with-me emotions in check. When I feel myself getting sad or worried about things, I try to pray and focus on how big God is and that even if I don't, He has everything under control. He has been faithful to remind me of His love and care for me as I have both good and bad days emotionally.
A lot of what I read this morning was familiar, but today it took on new meaning in my life. God's Word often does that too. Here is what He had for me today:
"To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grown weary, they will walk and not grow faint. Isaiah 40:25-31
We cannot even comprehand how big God is. He is all powerful, holy, magnificent, sovereign... I may think at times He is too big to be concerned with my issues in light of the issues of our world and His plan for it, and yet His Word tells me just the opposite is true. God is so big that even the smallest of things are under His control. Not only that, but He CARES about all those smallest of things.
Last year one of the verses the kids and I memorized was Exodus 34:6-7a. In this passage God himself tells Moses of His own nature and character. Our 5 year old can still recite it. I am grateful the Lord has tucked this one in our hearts.
And [the Lord] passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin."
Lord, help me focus on who You are today and what You have promised.
Yesterday evening I read through my insurance book. Now there is some entertaining and enlightening reading! It did answer a few of my basic questions about what I can expect from them financially over the course of my treatment, but it also raised questions that I hadn't thought of - some of them alarming quite frankly. I have been working very hard to keep my sometimes easy-to-run-away-with-me emotions in check. When I feel myself getting sad or worried about things, I try to pray and focus on how big God is and that even if I don't, He has everything under control. He has been faithful to remind me of His love and care for me as I have both good and bad days emotionally.
A lot of what I read this morning was familiar, but today it took on new meaning in my life. God's Word often does that too. Here is what He had for me today:
"To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grown weary, they will walk and not grow faint. Isaiah 40:25-31
We cannot even comprehand how big God is. He is all powerful, holy, magnificent, sovereign... I may think at times He is too big to be concerned with my issues in light of the issues of our world and His plan for it, and yet His Word tells me just the opposite is true. God is so big that even the smallest of things are under His control. Not only that, but He CARES about all those smallest of things.
Last year one of the verses the kids and I memorized was Exodus 34:6-7a. In this passage God himself tells Moses of His own nature and character. Our 5 year old can still recite it. I am grateful the Lord has tucked this one in our hearts.
And [the Lord] passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin."
Lord, help me focus on who You are today and what You have promised.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Somewhere in the Middle
Today I met with the radiation oncologist. She was great. Yesterday I was feeling more than a little overwhelmed with all that needs to be decided in the next week. This morning I walked into the office and one of the first things I was told by the woman who warmly greeted me was, "We will take good care of you here." After going over my information for their computer system and signing necessary papers, she pointed me toward the waiting room where there was hot coffee, hot water, tea, juice and hot chocolate. Then she said, "I also have a gift for you." A gift? Yes. She handed me a basket full of a variety of colorful cards with earrings and an inspirational verse on each one. These are called Gems of Hope. On the back of my little card it says, "This inspirational card with earrings has been handcrafted for you by cancer survivors, family and friends. We hope this gift will encourage feelings of optimism and hope." I had hardly begun looking through the basket when the nurse came for me. It took me quite a while to chose one, they were all so lovely! I finally chose a pair of teal blue earrings. The verse on my card reads: Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is! Now this is a doctor appointment! We discussed all that I could expect with radiation treatment as well as my diagnosis. I left very encouraged and feeling almost pampered. Only a complementary massage would have made it more complete! :-)
Something else I have begun to notice is that random thoughts will often creep into my brain at odd times. For example, today I had the thought that I should try to complete our Christmas shopping in the next few weeks since I don't know how much radiation (if I go that route - still undecided) will affect my energy level. Plus I figure my strength needs to be reserved for schooling the kids, doctor appointments and keeping us fed and in clean clothes. Everything else will be "extra". This being said, I am also recognizing my perfectionistic tendancies playing a part here and with them, the potenial for unnecessary burden.
I just want to keep doing things well for those I love the most. Perhaps this is another area of pride the Lord is working on. Maybe I'm going to learn how to ask for help... Some time ago I remember asking Him to prune out the pride in me. Even as I prayed I recognized that I was asking for something that would likely be painful. I had a couple of specific areas in mind, and wouldn't you know it, God has revealed a few more... As I cringe, I also embrace what He is doing. Not always right away, but gently, faithfully He brings me there.
I end tonight's posting with the lyrics to song. It's another one that speaks to me. There are many...
Somewhere between the hot and cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences,
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves
Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the alter and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences,
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Lord, I fell You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle
Something else I have begun to notice is that random thoughts will often creep into my brain at odd times. For example, today I had the thought that I should try to complete our Christmas shopping in the next few weeks since I don't know how much radiation (if I go that route - still undecided) will affect my energy level. Plus I figure my strength needs to be reserved for schooling the kids, doctor appointments and keeping us fed and in clean clothes. Everything else will be "extra". This being said, I am also recognizing my perfectionistic tendancies playing a part here and with them, the potenial for unnecessary burden.
I just want to keep doing things well for those I love the most. Perhaps this is another area of pride the Lord is working on. Maybe I'm going to learn how to ask for help... Some time ago I remember asking Him to prune out the pride in me. Even as I prayed I recognized that I was asking for something that would likely be painful. I had a couple of specific areas in mind, and wouldn't you know it, God has revealed a few more... As I cringe, I also embrace what He is doing. Not always right away, but gently, faithfully He brings me there.
I end tonight's posting with the lyrics to song. It's another one that speaks to me. There are many...
Somewhere in the Middle by Casting Crowns
Somewhere between the hot and cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences,
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves
Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the alter and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me
Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control
Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences,
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Lord, I fell You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Choosing a Path
I met with my surgeon yesterday. I have said I hoped to be armed with more information after seeing him. I am armed with more information, but I also now have more questions! Some important pieces of information I learned yesterday were my stage of cancer has not been diagnosed yet (I have been telling people I am stage 1). That diagnosis will come with surgery and will be determined by a few factors including whether there is any cancer in my lymph nodes. The second piece of information was that early indicators are the type of cancer I have will be very receptive to treatment. Finally, I have two options for treatment essentially. My explanation will be much simpler than the surgeon's - 1. Mastectomy, reconstruction and potentially other therapy depending on the stage of cancer and 2. Lumpectomy and radiation therapy or chemotherapy depending on the stage of cancer. There were many other things I was told, but they have escaped me for now. I may take a friends example and advice and start taking a recording device with me! According to my friend, it tends to make doctors a little nervous at first, but it is a wonderful help to have a record of ALL the information discussed.
Today I got a call back from the surgeon's office and my surgery has been scheduled for next Thursday. I have also been scheduled to meet with a radiology oncologist tomorrow to discuss that treatment option. The nurse I spoke with this afternoon asked if I had thought of any questions. Well, they are all still swimming around my head. I mean, a month ago I was moving through life as usual... One question I did think of last night though I asked her about. What are the overall cost differences between getting a mastectomy verses radiation therapy? Her answer was not what I had expected to hear. A mastectomy is much less than radiation therapy. I don't know why, but mastecomy wasn't even on my radar until yesterday. I also don't really know why, but I assumed a mastectomy would cost more.
Another factor in this is that my husband lost his job (at least temporarily) with the flooding in June. Their office building had 7 feet of water in it. The owner plans to rebuild, but the Christmas season, critical for their sales, is quickly approaching... Back in June we switched my insurance coverage to a major medical policy, something we could afford with a loss of income. Thankfully, my husband's employer initially continued to pay his insurance and then we took over paying for his more manageable premium. The kids are also covered. God has continually amazed us as our needs have been consistently met where that didn't seem possible. With God ALL things are possible. That will be what we hang on to now as we look at medical expenses that seem daunting.
So now begins the heavy research, prayer, decision phase that needs to happen within a week. No pressure...
Finally, I received a card in the mail yesterday from my doctor. Many of you have heard me talk about our family doctor. We think she is really great. When I was pregnant with our son and was having some false labor, she called me at home after her work hours, to check and see how I was doing. My husband and I were talking through the events of the day last Monday when we received the biopsy results. My husband said, "I think it was almost harder for [our doctor] to give you the news than it was for you to get it." I had thought the same thing. I don't think she would mind my sharing her note, it really touched me.
"Dear Wendy -
I know this is a tough time for you and your family.
I just wanted to let you know what an inspiration you are to me. You are in my prayers.
God has all the answers - look to him."
Yes He does and I will.
Today I got a call back from the surgeon's office and my surgery has been scheduled for next Thursday. I have also been scheduled to meet with a radiology oncologist tomorrow to discuss that treatment option. The nurse I spoke with this afternoon asked if I had thought of any questions. Well, they are all still swimming around my head. I mean, a month ago I was moving through life as usual... One question I did think of last night though I asked her about. What are the overall cost differences between getting a mastectomy verses radiation therapy? Her answer was not what I had expected to hear. A mastectomy is much less than radiation therapy. I don't know why, but mastecomy wasn't even on my radar until yesterday. I also don't really know why, but I assumed a mastectomy would cost more.
Another factor in this is that my husband lost his job (at least temporarily) with the flooding in June. Their office building had 7 feet of water in it. The owner plans to rebuild, but the Christmas season, critical for their sales, is quickly approaching... Back in June we switched my insurance coverage to a major medical policy, something we could afford with a loss of income. Thankfully, my husband's employer initially continued to pay his insurance and then we took over paying for his more manageable premium. The kids are also covered. God has continually amazed us as our needs have been consistently met where that didn't seem possible. With God ALL things are possible. That will be what we hang on to now as we look at medical expenses that seem daunting.
So now begins the heavy research, prayer, decision phase that needs to happen within a week. No pressure...
Finally, I received a card in the mail yesterday from my doctor. Many of you have heard me talk about our family doctor. We think she is really great. When I was pregnant with our son and was having some false labor, she called me at home after her work hours, to check and see how I was doing. My husband and I were talking through the events of the day last Monday when we received the biopsy results. My husband said, "I think it was almost harder for [our doctor] to give you the news than it was for you to get it." I had thought the same thing. I don't think she would mind my sharing her note, it really touched me.
"Dear Wendy -
I know this is a tough time for you and your family.
I just wanted to let you know what an inspiration you are to me. You are in my prayers.
God has all the answers - look to him."
Yes He does and I will.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
My Diagnosis
My diagnosis reads as follows:
FRAGMENTS OF INVASIVE, GRADE 1, DUCTAL CARCINOMA OF THE BREAST.
I don't like that word "invasive", but as I have googled to read up a bit, I have also come to the conclusion that, 'if you have to pick a cancer to have...'
I will meet with my surgeon on Tuesday of this week. This will be a consultation and I hope to be armed with a bit more information. The radiologist showed me the mammogram pictures after my biopsy. There was no visible lump on those pictures, but I may still need to undergo a lumpectomy. Hopefully, my consultation will provide some answers.
My mother is a breast cancer survior. Our cases are almost identical in terms of how the lump was found and even the diagnosis' are identical. As odd as it is, this gives some measure of comfort in anticipating what is to come next. I don't know that my treatment will be identical, but it doesn't seem as unknown I guess. This fact was very helpful when we told our two children last Monday that I have breast cancer.
Our 5 year old is happily unaware of the evils of cancer and seems to be going about life as usual. Our 9 year old's initial reaction was one of fear. We went on to explain and reinforce all the positives - it was caught very early, my treatment will probably not be too hard (compared to other's), we're going to fight this cancer together and most importantly, God will be with us.
The first question she asked was, "Is Mommy going to die?" We answered this one carefully. We will all die and we have no way of knowing when, cancer or not. Our answer was, "No, this cancer is very treatable and Mommy is going to be okay." But we also emphasized the Sovereignty of God and our trust in Him.
The second question was, "Is Mommy going to lose her hair?" On the surface this seems like a question about looks and to some degree it is. My husband, always one to lighten a moment replied, "If Mommy loses her hair, I'm going to shave my head too. Do you want to shave your head if Mommy loses her hair?", to which an emphatic "No!" was the reply. As I pondered our daughter's question a little more, I think this question was also one of wondering what was going to change in our lives. Perhaps I am glad she didn't ask that question. I don't know the answer. Only God and time will reveal, at least in part, the answer to that question...
My diagnosis is this: (thanks Rachelle)
God is who He says He is
God can do what He says He can do
I am who God says I am
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
God's Word is alive and active in me
FRAGMENTS OF INVASIVE, GRADE 1, DUCTAL CARCINOMA OF THE BREAST.
I don't like that word "invasive", but as I have googled to read up a bit, I have also come to the conclusion that, 'if you have to pick a cancer to have...'
I will meet with my surgeon on Tuesday of this week. This will be a consultation and I hope to be armed with a bit more information. The radiologist showed me the mammogram pictures after my biopsy. There was no visible lump on those pictures, but I may still need to undergo a lumpectomy. Hopefully, my consultation will provide some answers.
My mother is a breast cancer survior. Our cases are almost identical in terms of how the lump was found and even the diagnosis' are identical. As odd as it is, this gives some measure of comfort in anticipating what is to come next. I don't know that my treatment will be identical, but it doesn't seem as unknown I guess. This fact was very helpful when we told our two children last Monday that I have breast cancer.
Our 5 year old is happily unaware of the evils of cancer and seems to be going about life as usual. Our 9 year old's initial reaction was one of fear. We went on to explain and reinforce all the positives - it was caught very early, my treatment will probably not be too hard (compared to other's), we're going to fight this cancer together and most importantly, God will be with us.
The first question she asked was, "Is Mommy going to die?" We answered this one carefully. We will all die and we have no way of knowing when, cancer or not. Our answer was, "No, this cancer is very treatable and Mommy is going to be okay." But we also emphasized the Sovereignty of God and our trust in Him.
The second question was, "Is Mommy going to lose her hair?" On the surface this seems like a question about looks and to some degree it is. My husband, always one to lighten a moment replied, "If Mommy loses her hair, I'm going to shave my head too. Do you want to shave your head if Mommy loses her hair?", to which an emphatic "No!" was the reply. As I pondered our daughter's question a little more, I think this question was also one of wondering what was going to change in our lives. Perhaps I am glad she didn't ask that question. I don't know the answer. Only God and time will reveal, at least in part, the answer to that question...
My diagnosis is this: (thanks Rachelle)
God is who He says He is
God can do what He says He can do
I am who God says I am
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
God's Word is alive and active in me
Friday, October 3, 2008
Something Heavenly
For several days now I have been trying to find out the name of a song and well as the group who sings it. On Monday as I was traveling to my doctors office to get the biopsy results, I heard this song for the first time.
My mind was a jumble of thoughts and I really wasn't listening to the radio, but then I remember the thought, "I'm not wild about this song..." breaking through the mental noise. As soon as that thought came I began to really listen to the words. Just as quickly as I thought, "I'm not wild about this song", the words began to sink into my soul and I had an overwhelming sense of the Lord's preparation of my heart for what was to come. Not wanting to let my emotions get carried away, I tucked the message and sense of preparation away to ponder later.
After getting the diagnosis and the emotional roller coaster that went with that day, I was certain that the song was meant for me in that moment. Now I realize that this statement may seem "out there" to some reading this, but I cannot deny what I know is true. I am so grateful to the Lord for the way He met me in those quiet moments on Monday...
My mind was a jumble of thoughts and I really wasn't listening to the radio, but then I remember the thought, "I'm not wild about this song..." breaking through the mental noise. As soon as that thought came I began to really listen to the words. Just as quickly as I thought, "I'm not wild about this song", the words began to sink into my soul and I had an overwhelming sense of the Lord's preparation of my heart for what was to come. Not wanting to let my emotions get carried away, I tucked the message and sense of preparation away to ponder later.
After getting the diagnosis and the emotional roller coaster that went with that day, I was certain that the song was meant for me in that moment. Now I realize that this statement may seem "out there" to some reading this, but I cannot deny what I know is true. I am so grateful to the Lord for the way He met me in those quiet moments on Monday...
Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real
It's time for healing, time to move on,
it's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
it's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You're doing inside of me
it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone, time to begin again,
re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me I give everything - I surrender
Whatever You're doing inside of me
it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see,
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
that I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing inside of me
it feels like chaos, but I believe...
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
it feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly
Something heavenly
Thursday, October 2, 2008
A Bend in the Road
On September 10th, 2008, I went for a routine mammogram. I returned for additional mammograms and ultrasound on Friday, September 19th. The radiologist seemed sure the lump that was there wasn't cancerous, but recommended a biopsy to be sure. September 25th was the day of the biopsy. It took longer than expected, but was overall uneventful. Then, Monday, September 29th I learned I have stage 1 breast cancer. This, Lord willing, will be my story.
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