Somewhere in the Middle

Today I met with the radiation oncologist. She was great. Yesterday I was feeling more than a little overwhelmed with all that needs to be decided in the next week. This morning I walked into the office and one of the first things I was told by the woman who warmly greeted me was, "We will take good care of you here." After going over my information for their computer system and signing necessary papers, she pointed me toward the waiting room where there was hot coffee, hot water, tea, juice and hot chocolate. Then she said, "I also have a gift for you." A gift? Yes. She handed me a basket full of a variety of colorful cards with earrings and an inspirational verse on each one. These are called Gems of Hope. On the back of my little card it says, "This inspirational card with earrings has been handcrafted for you by cancer survivors, family and friends. We hope this gift will encourage feelings of optimism and hope." I had hardly begun looking through the basket when the nurse came for me. It took me quite a while to chose one, they were all so lovely! I finally chose a pair of teal blue earrings. The verse on my card reads: Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is! Now this is a doctor appointment! We discussed all that I could expect with radiation treatment as well as my diagnosis. I left very encouraged and feeling almost pampered. Only a complementary massage would have made it more complete! :-)

Something else I have begun to notice is that random thoughts will often creep into my brain at odd times. For example, today I had the thought that I should try to complete our Christmas shopping in the next few weeks since I don't know how much radiation (if I go that route - still undecided) will affect my energy level. Plus I figure my strength needs to be reserved for schooling the kids, doctor appointments and keeping us fed and in clean clothes. Everything else will be "extra". This being said, I am also recognizing my perfectionistic tendancies playing a part here and with them, the potenial for unnecessary burden.

I just want to keep doing things well for those I love the most. Perhaps this is another area of pride the Lord is working on. Maybe I'm going to learn how to ask for help... Some time ago I remember asking Him to prune out the pride in me. Even as I prayed I recognized that I was asking for something that would likely be painful. I had a couple of specific areas in mind, and wouldn't you know it, God has revealed a few more... As I cringe, I also embrace what He is doing. Not always right away, but gently, faithfully He brings me there.

I end tonight's posting with the lyrics to song. It's another one that speaks to me. There are many...

Somewhere in the Middle by Casting Crowns

Somewhere between the hot and cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences,
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the alter and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence,
reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences,
the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle

Lord, I fell You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle